Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mother's Day??
Caroline:
--- Quote from: Wildflower ---
I'm curious, though. Why hasn't she contacted you in the last 18 months?
--- End quote ---
Hi Wildflower,
In a nutshell, she's furious and depressed and thinks it's entirely my responsibility/daughterly duty to keep in touch. When I was 6 or 7 months pregnant, I got into a huge argument with my mother and our relationship has never recovered. I’ve never felt close to my mother (I was always afraid of her) and have always been really independent, which I think made her insecure. She always veiwed my independence as a rejection of her and was offended by it. She needs me to need her.
My sister, on the other hand was very dependent on my mother, which she LOVED. The two of them used to be extremely close -- too close. My sis had no friends except mom, she had no life, which I think mom also loved. When sis finally moved away from home at the age of 26, mom became very depressed. I was concerned and called her talk to her about it. She became furious with me saying that I couldn’t know what she feels like because I’m nothing like my sister and I can’t understand how close the two of them are.
Then came all the criticism about my independence, she said all my education turned me into a snob; she can’t believe that she sacrificed so much to pay for college to have me turn out like this; she was offended that I hired a doula for my daughters birth, that I didn’t ask her to be there (she’s offended at almost everything I do); she loves me but she doesn’t like me or my ugly ways; I could go on and on. I was shocked and devastated and told her I couldn’t handle arguing like this, being pregnant and all. She hasn't called me ever since. My parents came to visit after the baby was born and it was 10 days of agony that made things even worse-- details are on "Crazy making" thread. Up until a few months ago, I was calling dutifully every week, but after a big argument with my Dad, I gave up. It was so stressful and agonizing to call -- it really took a lot out of me and i decided that I needed a break.
My sister is trying to work out her life right now and has realized that her relationship with mom wasn’t very healthy. They got into a huge argument (in which mom was really cruel and ugly to sis) and sis has sort of cut her off. Needless to say, mom is DEVASTATED and I think she blames me for it, even though I had nothing to do with it. Sis and I were never really close, but we’re starting to bond over mom. That’s the only bright spot in all of this.
-Caroline
Caroline:
Hi Singer,
Welcome to the group! I'm new too and have found it soooo helpful to hear everyone's story and to share my own.
I notice that many of us had managed to maintain a decent relationship with our Ns until a big blowout occurs and they really become blatantly vicious. I think we don't really want to acknowledge how terrible our Ns are until we're forced to confront it. Personally, I find it somewhat embarassing to have such a screwed up family. When people ask about my parents, I just don't know what to say. I feel that somehow, I look like the selfish, ungrateful, evil daughter (I know that's what my mom is telling everyone!).
I spent most of my life not really understanding what was wrong with my relationship with mom. When my counselor told me mom was an extreme N, I ran home, did a google search and read and read and read because suddenly, everything made sense. So i can understand all of those light bulbs your'e talking about.
Unfortunately, I don't think Ns get better with age. This depresses me because my mom is only 55!
-Caroline
Nic:
Hello all :)
No i do not expect to do anything for my Nmother on mother's day. And, it no longer brings me the kind of grief i've had on other occasions where she's supposed to be the center of attention..oddly, I can't remember any occasion when she didn't make herself the center of attention in one way or another. By action or ommission! * cracking up* pffff hah!
I was helped along not too long ago by a guilt trip I laid on myself on april 16th. Her birthday was april 17th and the evening of the 16th I started having thoughts, memories if you will, of the few good times we had in the past.
I was longing for the normalcy of having a good or at least an adequate relationship with one's mother. I thought of sending her a card with some flowers..( we haven't spoken or seen one another in almost two years...) just so she would know I was still there..while at the same time resisting the temptation to " patch things somewhat up" because that was my role in my family. I went to bed sad, resolved not to do anything about it..the the guilt, odd yucky feeling persisted.
Until...on her birthday the 17th of april, I received yet another letter from their sollicitor stating how I had to be out of my house by may 20th or my " furniture and belongings would be at the road"! Needless to say, that was my final straw..I couldn't get over the sadistic satisfaction that N mother ( and N dad) were getting ..almost like her present to herself was to imagine me opening this letter and feeling horrible.
No there are no more mother's day for me...it's over.
Nic :)
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Caroline ---However, last year, she barely acknowledged my gift (I know she received it) and she hasn't called me in the last 18 months. My gifts are never good enough anyway -- she always has something to criticize -- and I 'm contemplating just sending a card, but I know this will make her furious (especially because she has been sending gifts for my daughter all year and therefore expects something in return).
--- End quote ---
If your mother hasn't called in 18 months, does it matter if she gets furious? Is there any way to please this woman? I think not. Send her a card. It's more than she deserves.
What will I do for the dreaded holiday? Probably give my mother a card and gift. She isn't as evil as your mother, however.
bunny
Caroline:
--- Quote ---
If your mother hasn't called in 18 months, does it matter if she gets furious? Is there any way to please this woman? I think not. Send her a card. It's more than she deserves.
bunny
--- End quote ---
Bunny,
thank you for the refreshing reality check!!!!!!!!!!! :D
You're absolutely right!!!! You made my day!
-Caroline
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