I am your addiction

[axa]

I have been working with a group of addicts in recovery over the past weeks.  One of them gave me a piece of writing that I wiould like to share with you.  It hit me like a bolt from the sky.  I have edited it as it is really long but will write what was relevant to me.

"I am your addiction"

I am your friend and your lover.  I have given comfort, have I not.  Wasn't I there when you were lonely.  When you wanted to die did you not call me.  I was there.  I love to make you hurt.  I love to make you cry.  Better yet I love it when I make you so numb, you neither hurt nor cry.  You can't feel anything at all .  This is true glory. I will give you instant gratification and all I ask is for long term suffereing.  I have been thre for you.  When things were going right in your life you invited me.  You said you didn't deserve these good things and I was the only one who agreed with you.

Together we were able to destroy all things good in your life.  People don't take me seriously.  They take strokes seriously, heart attacks, even diabetes .

You choose to have me.  So many have chosen me over reality and peace.  More than you hate me.  I hate all of you who seek to heal.  Your healing, your growth, your finding support ino thers all weakens me and I can't function in the manner I am accustomed to.  Now I must lie here quietly.  You don't see me but I am growing bigger than ever.  When you exist I live.  When you live I only exist.

But I am here and until we meet again if we meet again I wish you sufferening and death that I may life.

When I read this I thought of XN being my addiction and felt the horror of the words but on reflection I realised that what I was reading about was the spoiling side of me.  The side that wants to stop me finding my wings, being free, being adult.

I have been quite stressed over the past few days and on Tuesday night decided not to go on the river which I usually do on Tuesday evenings but a voice inside me said "If you go on the river you will feel better, everything will seem more managable afterwards" and rather than listen to the addictive spoiling voice I spent three hours on the river.  I felt wonderful afterwards.  This is real growth for me, to not sabotage myself, to take care of myself.  I think I will always have to be vigilant around this spoiling voice - the internalized Nparent, I think. 

Last week I made a kind of committment to someone that I would share their house.  When I got back home I thought about it and realised I do not want to live in that area.  I sweated about how I was going to call this woman and explain my change of mind.  I rehearsed my words, picked up the phone 20 times, put it back down.  I was so caught up in my badness about changing my mind, that I was unrelieable etc.

I phone this woman yesterday and she was so great about it.  She said it is most important that you feel comfortable in a neighbourhood and the offer was open but it was completely up to me.  She also said she would like to get to know me in any case whatever decision I made.  It was so lovely to have contact with someone who was so respectful and kind.

Just wanted to share these words.

I would be interested to read people's reaction to the "I am your addiction " piece and how it relates to them.

Axa

axa

[Ami]

POWERFUL, very ,very powerful  piece, Axa
  I can so relate to self sabotage. I have been doing it by eating too much and then not feeling good. I am so, so ,so mad at myself. However, I need to address it with my "inner child". I think that I am AFRAID of feeling good. I think that fear of being well, powerful and strong are fears, too. My M would not hurt me IF I was weak.WHEN I was strong was when I would get the WRATH.When I felt GOOD about myself--- WATCH out-- the smirking, mocking face that I HATED would emerge. I would do anything to make that face go away. I guess that I threw myself away. That is one reason that I got so uncomfortable with my own power.
  So, that could be part of the problem.
   The addiction to people or things is a strong deep process.it is really a throwing away of our own lives. It is a giving up of ourselves.
   I  am really glad that you shared this. It helped me very much                    Love    Ami

[Certain Hope]

Dear Axa,

Thank you for this.

My mother's legacy is an addiction to control and my dad's is.... using alcohol as a means of escaping control.
Talk about an impossible, self-defeating cycle.
Between the two, control is the hardest to forsake... but oh how liberating to release it!

This is what I hear my mother saying to me now:   
You choose to have me.  So many have chosen me over reality and peace.  More than you hate me,  I hate all of you who seek to heal.  Your healing, your growth, your finding support in others all weakens me and I can't function in the manner I am accustomed to.  Now I must lie here quietly.  You don't see me but I am growing bigger than ever.  When you exist I live.  When you live I only exist.

She is an addiction to me, as well. My feelings toward her now remind me of the phase when I was marking days-not-drinking off the calendar and adding them up... a very strong energy focused at NOT doing, thinking about, acting out. This is something more than existence and yet less than life. And finally, one day, I realized that my calendar was far out of date... I'd stopped putting X's...
and then I felt free. I want to put that final X onto the legacies left to me by my parents... and then just live.

Thank you again, so much, for this insight, Axa... I see... the end of existence.

Hope

[BonesMS]

I have been working with a group of addicts in recovery over the past weeks.  One of them gave me a piece of writing that I wiould like to share with you.  It hit me like a bolt from the sky.  I have edited it as it is really long but will write what was relevant to me.

"I am your addiction"

I am your friend and your lover.  I have given comfort, have I not.  Wasn't I there when you were lonely.  When you wanted to die did you not call me.  I was there.  I love to make you hurt.  I love to make you cry.  Better yet I love it when I make you so numb, you neither hurt nor cry.  You can't feel anything at all .  This is true glory. I will give you instant gratification and all I ask is for long term suffereing.  I have been thre for you.  When things were going right in your life you invited me.  You said you didn't deserve these good things and I was the only one who agreed with you.

Together we were able to destroy all things good in your life.  People don't take me seriously.  They take strokes seriously, heart attacks, even diabetes .

You choose to have me.  So many have chosen me over reality and peace.  More than you hate me.  I hate all of you who seek to heal.  Your healing, your growth, your finding support ino thers all weakens me and I can't function in the manner I am accustomed to.  Now I must lie here quietly.  You don't see me but I am growing bigger than ever.  When you exist I live.  When you live I only exist.

But I am here and until we meet again if we meet again I wish you sufferening and death that I may life.

When I read this I thought of XN being my addiction and felt the horror of the words but on reflection I realised that what I was reading about was the spoiling side of me.  The side that wants to stop me finding my wings, being free, being adult.

I have been quite stressed over the past few days and on Tuesday night decided not to go on the river which I usually do on Tuesday evenings but a voice inside me said "If you go on the river you will feel better, everything will seem more managable afterwards" and rather than listen to the addictive spoiling voice I spent three hours on the river.  I felt wonderful afterwards.  This is real growth for me, to not sabotage myself, to take care of myself.  I think I will always have to be vigilant around this spoiling voice - the internalized Nparent, I think. 

Last week I made a kind of committment to someone that I would share their house.  When I got back home I thought about it and realised I do not want to live in that area.  I sweated about how I was going to call this woman and explain my change of mind.  I rehearsed my words, picked up the phone 20 times, put it back down.  I was so caught up in my badness about changing my mind, that I was unrelieable etc.

I phone this woman yesterday and she was so great about it.  She said it is most important that you feel comfortable in a neighbourhood and the offer was open but it was completely up to me.  She also said she would like to get to know me in any case whatever decision I made.  It was so lovely to have contact with someone who was so respectful and kind.

Just wanted to share these words.

I would be interested to read people's reaction to the "I am your addiction " piece and how it relates to them.

Axa

axa

Hi, Axa.

When I was working in the prison system addiction program, I was given a copy of that by one of my now-former colleagues.  However, the administrators told us that we were not allowed to share that with the inmates struggling with addictions.  (Huh?)

Bones

[axa]

Bones,

WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?????????????

Hope,

Learning to live is difficult but taking it slowly and gently seems to be the way, well done on your journey.

Ami

I had an interesting convesation with my T recently.  I said I thought if the spoiling side of me was not active I would be free, float away, be powerful and the majesty of that frightened me.  She asked me was I afraid that I would become like XN if I did not have the spoiling part acting out and I thought probably yes.  But there is a difference, I am aware of others, I have empathy I am not him.  I think it is time for you and me to take the risk and soar high into life.  To risk being happy, to risk being free, to risk being our wonderful, imperfect selves.

axa

[Ami]

Dear Axa,
  It's got to beat the 'old bedraggled" selves---- HUH?                                 Love    Ami

[Poppyseed]

Who was it on the board that posted that quote by Nelson Mandella about the thing that we fear most is our own strength and our own wonderfulness?

I am with you, Axa, ready to risk being happy and free and wonderful and imperfect!!

Cheers to all of us in the effort!!

[reallyME]

Axa:  When you exist I live.  When you live I only exist.

THIS IS THE PART THAT JUMPED OFF THE PAGE AT ME!

In the case with abusers, they do their best to crush our very souls and maybe even spirits, steal our identity or prevent it from ever truly forming, so that their false-selves, can THRIVE!

When we merely "exist" that means we're just sort of "here" but not truly living; not making choices, mistakes, being funny, sad, angry, tired, bored.  We merely exist as "objects" meant to caretake of the abuser, meant to slave over him/her, but oh NO, never allowed to find out that we are an "I" or a "me" in this world

To LIVE, we'd have to be allowed to discover that we have our OWN brain, heart, choice, will, preference, decision.  We would have to learn that, apart from a "we" joined with"them" we/I am/ are an INDIVIDUAL.  THAT IS LIVING!  That KILLS ADDICTION!

~ Laura

[lighter]

I have been quite stressed over the past few days and on Tuesday night decided not to go on the river which I usually do on Tuesday evenings but a voice inside me said "If you go on the river you will feel better, everything will seem more managable afterwards" and rather than listen to the addictive spoiling voice I spent three hours on the river.  I felt wonderful afterwards.  This is real growth for me, to not sabotage myself, to take care of myself.  I think I will always have to be vigilant around this spoiling voice -

I would be interested to read people's reaction to the "I am your addiction " piece and how it relates to them.

Axa

::sigh::

 Wow.


Well said, whoever said it, the poem was scary and true, I think.

As for your going onto the river, when you felt like blowing it off..... that was so BIG.

You realize what it was that was going on..... even BIGGER.

You commit to being diligent and forcing yourself into self care, regardless of the killing voice inside.

Priceless. 

Someday self care won't be something you have to talk yourself into.

It'll be a habit.....

and what becomes habit,

becomes pleasure: )

So nice to read this post Axa. 

Thanks for sharing the poem. 

[Ami]

<sub>[qYou realize what it was that was going on..... even BIGGER.

You commit to being diligent and forcing yourself into self care, regardless of the killing voice inside.

Priceless. 

Someday self care won't be something you have to talk yourself into.

It'll be a habit.....

and what becomes habit,

becomes pleasure: )</sub>



Very, well said                                                              Ami

[lighter]

Oh Ami.... I wish you could force yourself to turn away from your mother, and your self soothing sabotaging habits, that don't really work.


I wish you could turn and face yourself, for just a little a while. 

Go out onto the river,


even though you don't feel like it.... along with Axa.


It would be (a step) away from the embrace of the things that hurt you. 


Just one tiny, uncomfortable step.

POWERFUL, very ,very powerful  piece, Axa
  I can so relate to self sabotage. I have been doing it by eating too much and then not feeling good. I am so, so ,so mad at myself. However, I need to address it with my "inner child". I think that I am AFRAID of feeling good. I think that fear of being well, powerful and strong are fears, too. My M would not hurt me IF I was weak.WHEN I was strong was when I would get the WRATH.When I felt GOOD about myself--- WATCH out-- the smirking, mocking face that I HATED would emerge. I would do anything to make that face go away. I guess that I threw myself away. That is one reason that I got so uncomfortable with my own power.
  So, that could be part of the problem.
   The addiction to people or things is a strong deep process.it is really a throwing away of our own lives. It is a giving up of ourselves.
   I  am really glad that you shared this. It helped me very much                    Love    Ami