Oh Mati,
Your story breaks my heart in so many ways.
You have already given me an incredible gift.
I wrote this in another post:
Part of the pathology of being abused, at least for me, is feeling that I am ignored, feeling like I am negated, deemed less than, and an overwhelming feeling that I don’t belong.
You responded with the following:
This is exactly how I have felt due to childhood sexual abuse and if I open up about my history, unfortunately, it is filled with so much trauma that the usual muted response triggers my shame again. It makes me feel dirty and unacceptable.
You also told me:
Don't feel any more shame. You do not deserve to.
Your post helped me to realize that a muted response does not equal any of what I wrote about the pathology of being abused (feeling that I am ignored, feeling like I am negated, deemed less than, and an overwhelming feeling that I don’t belong) – a muted response is simply other’s not always understanding or knowing how to respond or being unable to respond for various reasons that have nothing to do with us and what we experienced.
A lack of response speaks to who
that person is and where they are coming from, not us, and this is not necessarily a negative at all. I realized after my “meltdown” this weekend that sometimes a lack of response is driven by a fear of not knowing how to respond or fear that one might not respond correctly; it may be that one is overwhelmed by their own situation and can’t respond to anyone else’s pain (understandably); or it may be that they don’t understand the depth of the pain that comes from this type of abuse (understandably).
I have also had a negative response to my story (not here by any means). I once spoke of my past with a friend who told another person. That person mocked me quite cruelly about it. (That memory is part of what was driving my fear this weekend.) Your post also helped me to realize that anyone who responds negatively is just as bad as the original abuser – and just as with the original abuser, the shame rests squarely with them not us.
You have given me incredible validation, you let me know that I am not alone, and you helped me get past a very difficult time. We are not alone. And you are absolutely right – it is time to get rid of the shame – it is not ours is it? That feeling of being dirty and feeling of being unacceptable does not belong to us it belongs to them. Neither of us deserves to feel one bit of that.
We are survivors.
Thank you so much for reaching through your pain to support me. Please know that I am reaching right back to you.
Much love,
Peace