I just want someone to know the truth!

[Screamer]

Hello to all.  This is a great forum.  There are so many people here that feel as I do.  I have been silent for so long and it is just bursting out of me.  This is the first mother's day I have let go by without some form of acknowledgement to my mother.

I think I have decided to put her out of my life for good.  I can't reconcile this in my mind fully.  I think I must be the most horrible person inthe world to keep my mother away from any potential grandchildren she might have.  I wonder if God will punish me for this.  

At the same time... the truth is I HATE THAT BITCH.

I hate how she treated me, as a child and as an adult.
I hate how she talks to me
I hate how she belittles me publically and privatley
I hate how she ignores my feelings, thoughts, needs everything!
I hate that she feels the whole world revolves around her.
I hate her superior attituded, her obnoxious snippy comments.
I hate that she has to show me up at every chance she gets.

The first time I cooked dinner for my boyfriend (now husband) she took over the kitchen and cooked my dish.

When my fiance (now husband) gave me a ring, she decided I needed to know about how badly diamond miners were treated.  God forbid I should enjoy anything guilt free.  No, I am just a contributor to the slavery of others!

She put me down in front of guy I was trying to flirt with.
She belittles my work... no matter what I am doing.

When I got listed as a high-potential employee (Meaning the company wanted to track me into upper management) you should have seen the jelousy on her face.  She has been trying to get me to quit the company ever since.

I reached out the last olive branch I had.  I asked her to stand as my matron of honor.  She had no time to throw me a small bridal shower, she could not even bother to come with me on wedding dress trips. (She did come to two... but getting her to focus on me was impossible. She finally left me there to go shop on her own.)

I let her pick out her own brides maid's dress.  She had to order them in time to for my other brides maid to get hers taken in.  She didn't.

Then she decided she wanted a special dress and a bigger flower arrangement to carry.  I told her all brides maids dress the same.  She said no... she was the Maid of Honor.  I said, the honor is standing next to the bride, etc.  She said... That's not an honor.

One of my ... I could go on forever.  I hate her.  I hate her and I never want to see her again.  

I would rather die.  I wish I were dead.  I am so alone and depressed.  I should have eaten a bullet years ago!

[Michelle]

Oh Screamer I am so glad you posted.  I see so much pain and suffering in your words and I am so so so sorry for everything you have had to endure so far with your mother.  You said so many things that caught my attention.  

At the same time... the truth is I HATE THAT BITCH.

I hate how she treated me, as a child and as an adult.
I hate how she talks to me
I hate how she belittles me publically and privatley
I hate how she ignores my feelings, thoughts, needs everything!
I hate that she feels the whole world revolves around her.
I hate her superior attituded, her obnoxious snippy comments.
I hate that she has to show me up at every chance she gets.

Wow!  Good for you!  You are very in touch with your feelings which is much more than I can say for myself.  You have inspired me to make my own "I hate" list.  How did that feel to get all that out?  Have you ever verbally said all that out loud before?  I imagine that would take a huge load off just to get all that anger out.  I am envious!  

I would rather die. I wish I were dead. I am so alone and depressed. I should have eaten a bullet years ago!

After seeing all the examples of your mother's crappy behavior toward you, I can totally see why you feel that way.  BUT you have so much to live for.  If this is your first step in healing, imagine your life even just a year from now.  You have already made so much progress just by posting your feelings.  Look at all you have shown that you have accomplished just in your one post:

*  Your not taking crap anymore from your mother - probably from anyone for that matter.
*  You know you do not deserve the treatment she has / is giving you...you deserve far better than that.
*  You have already begun to draw HUGE HUGE HUGE boundaries with her by drawing your line in not acknowledging mother's day.

Those are 3 HUGE accomplishments.  I have been in therapy for a year and have just begun to even think about those things.  

You are not a horrible person.  You are actually doing yourself and your potential future children and family a favor by limiting your contact with this awful, mean person that gives you nothing but abuse.

Michelle

[Anonymous]

I hate how she treated me, as a child and as an adult.
I hate how she talks to me
I hate how she belittles me publically and privatley
I hate how she ignores my feelings, thoughts, needs everything!
I hate that she feels the whole world revolves around her.
I hate her superior attituded, her obnoxious snippy comments.
I hate that she has to show me up at every chance she gets.

I very well understand your feeling and admire your courage. I am new here myself and I have also cut off relationship with my parents and have gone as fas as to say " i consider her dead already" to show my fury. Thankfully she is lucky enough because she lives away from me and my fury is not directly directed at her. I wish I could say more to her ( tried and failed before though.. I couldnt bring myself to it completely ) by writing with explanation plainly how I feel about her and why I am disappointed with her not cos she is going to change but because I deserve better justice !

There is nothing wrong in taking care of yourself and there is no point in feeling guilty about it ! Cos if I let that guilt 'implanted in our mind mainly due to selfish lies made by parents' run my life.. i would be losing out to myself ! You definitely deserved more from your mom and not vice versa !

Hoping to hear more from you
spirit

[Anonymous]

Welcome Screamer.

Well, there are consequences to your mother's actions. She may not accept this, but that's life. Perhaps your grandchildren need to be PROTECTED FROM HER. Hence you are doing a noble thing for them. You'd be sparing them what you went through. She doesn't sound healthy for children at all (nor for adults).

Hang in there and keep posting.

bunny

[mrt]

Welcome Screamer,

Scream away. We're here to listen to you - to help you as best as we can. Scream all you want. No judges here.
I have been dealing with 2 people who have attempted suicide this week - One succeeded and the other one is going to live. Believe me NO ONE IS WORTH KILLING YOURSELF OVER! Don't do that to those that do care about you - and there are people out there that even though you are not aware fully - they are a fan of yours and are looking up to you and care about you.

It's okay to have these feelings of hate & of utter frustration.

I wonder if God will punish me for this.

I've had the same feelings and wondered this myself. I know the Bible states that you should honor your mother and your father. I felt guilt about that one too until I realized that it also states "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man (or WOMAN) put asunder"

You are embarking on a new chapter of your life. You are moving on with your life and you need to protect your future with your husband and future children.  My mother tried her darndest to drive a wedge between me and my wife.  I let it happen for too long and it caused a lot of problems. She also started to systematically attack my children until I woke up and put a stop to it. You are ahead of the game in my book!

Be strong. Stand firm. Refuse to be treated badly anymore.

mrt

[Screamer]

Dear All,

I am extremely grateful for your words of support and encourgagement.  It means so much!!

I've lived with this for so long.  I always thought I was the problem.  My family consistently gave me messages that said, I was the problem.  In so many ways I have been told I was defective.  

My mother's favorite line has been, "you dreamed that."  If I brought up something that I was angry about, something from my childhood, she would say... "that never happened, you just dreamed that."  I have often wondered if this was true.  Was I really confusing my dreams with reality?  

However, I started dealing with the sexual abuse that occured in my family.  My father started assaulting me when I was 2.5 years old.  I read that telling victims that they just dreamed about the abuse was common place.

Now I have stopped believing all the lies.  I have insisted on telling the truth, even to myself.  Now I just can't stand to be around her any more.  I don't want to be around any of my family.  They are all content with the system they have established.  I feel they actually blame me for refusing to play the role of scape goat and whipping boy anymore.

Anyway... Thank you all for listening and replying to my post.  Your support is very meaningful and very appreciated!!

[Portia]

You know what screamer? Your father was a paedophile and your mother was an accessory to his crimes. They should both have been locked up and given intensive therapy. You are right to hate your mother. I hate your mother and any mother that (1) stands by and lets that happen to her child or anyone else’s child for that matter and (2) then not only denies knowledge of it, but denies it’s very existence. It’s cruelty and it’s torture. Good for you for letting mother’s day go by. Anytime you want to tell more truth, you can here. P

[Screamer]

Hi Portia,

Thank you for your support.  

My mother does acknowledge that it happens, but she swears she never knew anything about it.  However she did know that he was a schizophrenic, a drunk, a drug user, and violent!  She did know I was afraid of him, I lived in fear that he would kill me and never thought I would live to see 16.  She did know I wanted to commit suicide.  

He was violent with her as well.  She says she stayed with him so we would have a father.  I don't think that was entirely true.  That was the excuse she gave herself.  She didn't want to leave.  

At one point my mother and father separated (supposedly because of me).  Months later, I found out that my mother was still sleeping with him.  Despite everything he had done to me, despite the fact that he chose to leave, he chose not to be a father... she was still sleeping with him.  Somehow I doubt she was doing that for the kids.

One of the things my mother likes to say is how hard she worked for she and I to have a good relationship.  I just don't see it.  This is not how I remember it.

[seeker]

Hey Screamer,

I'm glad you found the board and are writing to us.  It can be a real lifesaver, literally.  Hope you are doing okay.  Your post is so valiant and brave!  You are screaming to save your life.  

Life is hard and a struggle, but where does it say we have to subject ourselves to situations that hurt us more when we can hurt less by moving away from the danger?  Your trauma would heal faster if you were in a safe place v. a place where the trauma happened (near your mother).  

Someone else here posted a great site: http://lynneforrest.com/artcls/fov9.html.  This is the last part of a great article, but this part says that to get out of the drama you must be willing to be perceived as the "bad guy" even if you aren't.  This is just how it went with me and my very toxic NSIL.  I walked away and was blamed for not caring, not accepting her kids (who do her dirty work), etc.  "Scorched earth" badmouthing all over the neighborhood.  I haven't looked back.

I will add to what mrtraced said about honoring your parents.  I struggled  a bit with this one, until I read "honor what is honorable" e.g. they brought you into the world.  If that is all you can think of to honor, that's quite okay, say "thanks" and off you go to recover and live a healthy life.  They don't own you.

Your mother sounds like she is lying to herself as much as she is to you.  This doesnt excuse it, but might explain part of it.  Stay focussed on safety and health.  Hang on to your truth.  

Again, I'm glad you are finding support.  Stay well, Seeker

[Michelle]

tried the post above and it didn't work!  is there possibly another link to the article?

thanks, Michelle

[Anonymous]

http://lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html#victim

[Anonymous]

Oops! Sorry--I took the URL off the bottom of my printed copy.  Thank you, Guest, for straightening that out.  Seeker

[Michelle]

Thank you for posting the correct address.  Can't wait to read that article it looked very enlightening.  : )

Michelle