Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
How do you know for sure?
Learning:
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Anonymous:
Learning,
There's no way to know for absolute certain if your parents are Ns, since you can't give them a psychiatric evaluation. It's more of a decision you make based on their behavior over time.
bunny
Anonymous:
Dear Learning,
Yes, I think that some of it may be due to your voicelessness. When one is voiceless, as many of us here are (or WERE!) you are not used to expressing your thoughts, feelings or opinions. They are provided by the one or ones that try to keep you voiceless.
From what I have read here, most of us are dealing with N-type people that have not been officially diagnosed. Getting an N diagnosed is no easy thing !! They usually will not go for therapy and even when they do, they are very adept at behaving as their "image" would and not as their true self (that is....the one YOU have to deal with.) Also, they just plain lie a lot.
So, I wouldn't really worry about the LABEL part of it. If you can relate to what is being said here, then you are probably dealing with someone who is Narcissistic in some way. If you can relate, you probably are voiceless in some way because of the way someone has treated you. The name for what they are doesn't matter as much as the fact that you have now recognized your "voicelessness" and are searching for a way to heal. THAT is what is important.
And really.....if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck......it probably is a duck, isn't it ??
So, welcome Learning.....I like your name 'cause that's what we are all trying to do here.
Anonymous:
Welcome Learning,
Well, I can certainly understand your concern. I have a difficult time with labels too. I want to be careful not to dehuamize or depersonalize my loved ones. One day in my therapist's office I said said, "I don't know whether this classifies as 'abuse', or 'narcissism.' I just know he is driving me nuts!!!"
She said, it is indeed both, but the important part of that was that I had just validated my own experience! She went on to explain that lables help us to make sense of, validate, and interact differently with our experience.
Still not wanting to pin my experience on anyone but myself, my next question was, "Well, if someone is presenting such symptoms of having been emotionally abused, is there any possibility that it is in fact all in their head, or that abuse or narcissism is not to blame?"
She said "no." (In my mind I am still not certain about this one) but then maybe that is MY voicelessness coming through again!
All Ns are not alike in the manifestation of their behavior. I believe there is a scale of intensity, and different personalities of narcissism, if you will. I think in comparison, my H's N is mild, but it effects me negatively nonetheless. Relating to and learning from others on this board is much needed validation and understanding, even if my experience only shares some commonalities. I have learned that my parents have some N tendancies. If nothing else, this explains a lot about who I am, and how I became so voiceless. Understanding, or finding a frame of referrence is the first step, for me, to doing something different.
The other benefits are learning strategies for relating to the N behavioral tendancies in my life. And, knowing that other people have had the courage to say "enough" and draw mild to serious boundaries. This enables me to feel less guilty about self-preservation, at least. This is a supportive community. When you run out of strength and wisdom, others will lend you some of theirs. Lots of people here have a lot more wisdom about this stuff than I do, and how wonderful that everyone is willing to share with and support one another. Lots of people here are compassionate readers.
Does that help at all or make any sense? I hope to see more of you, and I hope that you can sojourn here for a while and gather some strength and healing!
Peace, sjkravill
Wildflower:
Hi sjkravill,
--- Quote ---Still not wanting to pin my experience on anyone but myself, my next question was, "Well, if someone is presenting such symptoms of having been emotionally abused, is there any possibility that it is in fact all in their head, or that abuse or narcissism is not to blame?"
She said "no." (In my mind I am still not certain about this one) but then maybe that is MY voicelessness coming through again!
--- End quote ---
What an interesting conversation. I think I’m going to bring that up at my next session because I’ve been curious for a while about how/when my therapist knew that narcissism was something I should look into. I know what you mean about whether it's in your head or not (am I the crazy one? did I make them behave in crazy ways?).
To add more to your therapist’s statement, this quote from When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends helped me find the confidence I needed to be able to remain firm with my own understanding of my relationship with my mom - instead of becoming completely crippled with self-doubt, which is what usually happens.
--- Quote ---"'In almost all cases, it is the psychological consequences of an act that define that act as abusive,' whether that act is sexual or physical abuse, or merely an assault on the spirit. "
--- End quote ---
Wildflower
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