Author Topic: The Fawn Response  (Read 29318 times)

Ami

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Re: The Fawn Response
« Reply #15 on: September 10, 2007, 03:57:48 PM »
(((((((((((((((((((((IPHI)))))))))))))))))))))))))
I am so sorry that you are hurting. It is like  an infection which HAS to come out BUT it hurts so, so, so much as it comes out                                    Love Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

sally

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Re: The Fawn Response
« Reply #16 on: September 10, 2007, 04:17:17 PM »
Iphi,

Sounds like you've got to find a whole new way to deal with your FOO.

IMO, start looking at your boundaries and enforce them.  Try not to let FOO members drive you crazy.  Like w/ your sister, put a boundary around your feelings so that eye rolling, etc does not get to you so much.  Same w/ the FOO mythology about your dad: protect yourself with inner boundaries, as well as outer boundaries of limiting the time you spend with FOO members, whether in person or via phone, email, etc.

((((((((((IPHI))))))))

Love,sally


Ami

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Re: The Fawn Response
« Reply #17 on: September 10, 2007, 06:52:12 PM »
I think that what Authentic said is the answer. We have to be whole"universes"
( as Steve says). We have to have ourselves.We have to have our own power. We have to be connected to our inner feelings(inner child). Our inner selves have to be independent and strong.we have to know that we will not let ourselves down for ANYONE.
   I see more and more how my 'fight" is an inside fight-- not an external one. my external world  MIRRORS my internal world.
  If Authentic can handle her family-- there is hope for me -- as I see it              Love  Ami
 
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Hopalong

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Re: The Fawn Response
« Reply #18 on: September 10, 2007, 11:49:13 PM »
Iphi,
You're not crazy at all, hon.
Not a smidgen.

And what if you were?
You still wouldn't deserve to be dismissed and belittled.

Here's where it starts, dear: looking in the mirror and loving the person you see there.

That's all. The simplest thing, and you may have to force it again and again at first.

Then one day, there'll be no scrim between you and beautiful Iphi looking back at you.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Certain Hope

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Re: The Fawn Response
« Reply #19 on: September 11, 2007, 09:04:40 AM »
Hey  :)

To each of you who recognized yourselves in these posts, I just want to say -
THANKS   for saying so.  Hugs to y'all... I'm with you!

This was one gigantic super-enormous AHA! to me, with a whole passel of little Aha's in tow... so it'll take awhile to absorb all of these insights,  I am sure.
For starters, though... some of the effects were so immediate that I just felt such a strong urge to DO something about it,
to take a giant step forward in faith, to move into action, evidencing a strength that I did not "feel" but that I can sense on the horizon... based on this new understanding of how things have come to be...so... I quit smoking.  :shock:  Absolutely, positively, no more cigarettes. I'm convinced, my lungs are convinced, the devil keeps sneering at me but he can just stay 30 paces behind me where he belongs, cuz dey ain't no smoke on me  :D

One of the biggest factors in all of this for me, was to say:  Wow - look at this! This is it!! This is how I've always felt and now I know why!...
and to have a few of you say: YES!!  I get it!! That's me, too!!
So thanks. You've "been there" for me like no one else ever has.

With love,
Hope/  Carolyn

P.S.  I can't read much here these days, because of the need to stay on track, eyes on the goal, but will share as I can and keep y'all in my prayers.

Poppyseed

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Re: The Fawn Response
« Reply #20 on: September 11, 2007, 11:26:52 AM »
Hope,

Good on you! for the smoking thing!  Absolutely wonderful.  You are absolutely wonderful and you can do it!  I am behind you 150%!  So I send my strongest warrior energy to strengthen you!

Thanks for the aha's in this thread.  I never saw myself this way when I was younger.  I have slowly come to understand that these things are true about me.

Love and goo.

Pops

Certain Hope

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Re: The Fawn Response
« Reply #21 on: September 11, 2007, 11:49:16 AM »
Dear Poppy,
I never saw any of this before either, and it's taking a bit for the dust to settle, allowing even more aspects to become visible.
And thanks so very much for your strong support  :)   As I was telling another friend this morning, I'm not "trying" to quit, I HAVE quit... kinda like the difference between "I AM crucified with Christ" vs. trying to die daily... it's the only way to go!  :D


Dear Iphi,

I just now read through all of the replies on this thread and I want to send you hugs... and also simply to say, you know our recent exchange re: books? Well, I hope you don't feel that you were "caught" with the wrong thing in your hand, you know? Umm... I can sure see the trigger, though, so thought I had better address it with you here.
For me, acknowledging a difference between us was a step toward friendship on my part. I don't feel that you have cooties, dear Iphi, and I hope you don't feel that I have cooties either... because I sure appreciate you, and I'm sorry that this topic caused you so much pain. It left me without much to say, that's for sure... which prompted my urge to "do"... which is why I'm suckin on a commit lozenge right now and then headed out to do something strenuous in the yard.
I just had to say that I hope you and I are friends, Iphi.
From my heart,
Hope/ Carolyn

cats paw

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Re: The Fawn Response
« Reply #22 on: September 11, 2007, 01:55:00 PM »
Hiya Hope,

   Just wanted to take a minute to say thanks for the great article and link for it.  I also wanted to congratulate you about being smoke free.  I also want to play a little, and add to your song :

                 There ain't no smoke on me
                 There ain't no smoke on me
                 There might be smoke on the red- tailed bloke
                  But there ain't no smoke on me !

   I just love that commercial with the pup singing about no fleas !


cats paw

Iphi

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Re: The Fawn Response
« Reply #23 on: September 11, 2007, 03:10:00 PM »
Oh my no CH, don't worry about it.  I have no issue if anyone says 'thanks but not my cup of tea.' Now if you simply saw the book on my shelf and rolled your eyes and said "oh you are one of those ignorant, unwashed fools who reads books like that," then I might be irritated.  :lol:  But I shared that incident to show how constant it is.  That is constantly the way my family treats me about everything.  I'm SO intimidated from sharing, especially if something is important to me or I care greatly about the situation.

I have huge performance anxiety.  I have choked at try-outs, cried and smoked over important papers due, avoided advisors who triggered me, been unable to leave a job that strongly triggered my family role (or ask for a raise), am terrified to contact people I actually know - to initiate contact - because I expect to be rejected for "bothering" them, can't apply for grad school because it triggers me so badly, have HUGE problems job hunting due to the 'bothering' and 'rejection' issues.  I feel panic if I have to interrupt someone (but usually I can get past that).  I feel panic and desire at the idea of getting involved in volunteer activities, local politics, speaking in front of an audience.  All kinds of things I would like to do and am not doing.

And I need to say something honestly here.  In the past I put all of the above down to different reasons - such as 1. I don't really care, 2. it's not for me, 3. I'll get around to it later 4. it would only be a pain and a hassle -- etcetera.  But really I do want many things and would like to try many things - but the specter of humiliating rejection with a heaping dose of mockery and the sense that I was a fool to have tried is just overwhelmingly painful.  my breathing is really shallow just writing that.

And that's not even talking about the stuff that triggers self-forfeiting behavior.  Totally flashing to the incident in college where I was friendly to the woman who was sleeping with my boyfriend.  I felt badly for both of them in fact, but didn't know why.  I was on their side against myself, just like I was brought up to be.  :-/

And I've never understood why it is and why it was that time and again I could not get past these things.  Time and again they have defeated me no matter how bad I wanted to go for something. 

Anyway, wow.  Now I know what it is and why I couldn't get past it just by pushing.  Thank you for the responses of comfort and encouragement.  I appreciate each and every one.  I already have boundaries in place with my family, but as Ami said - it's about what is going on inside.  I'm not so worried about interacting with them - it's about the damage done to my whole life that has to be addressed.  I'm determined to flourish and thrive and this is stopping me.  This is a huge roadblock.  I have made progress in many ways.  I haven't befriended a cheating SO in years!  And I've let go of N-ish friends.  I don't feel so much guilt for saying No to anybody who wants anything at any time.  Etc.

CH - good on you for your quit!  I want to share with you that 2 years ago I decided I wanted NC with my dad after a shameful blowout rage followed by the Icy Shoulder.  Once I made that decision - bam! - I quit smoking.  2 years as of August 22.  You are in the right place and the time is ripe!  Good on you.   :D 

« Last Edit: September 11, 2007, 03:13:09 PM by Iphi »
Character, which has nothing to do with intellect or skill, can evolve only by increasing our capacity to love, and to become lovable. - Joan Grant

Iphi

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Re: The Fawn Response
« Reply #24 on: September 11, 2007, 03:21:51 PM »
Oh p.s. I am not currently NC, but restricted contact. 
Character, which has nothing to do with intellect or skill, can evolve only by increasing our capacity to love, and to become lovable. - Joan Grant

Certain Hope

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Re: The Fawn Response
« Reply #25 on: September 12, 2007, 09:35:44 AM »
Hiya Hope,

   Just wanted to take a minute to say thanks for the great article and link for it.  I also wanted to congratulate you about being smoke free.  I also want to play a little, and add to your song :

                 There ain't no smoke on me
                 There ain't no smoke on me
                 There might be smoke on the red- tailed bloke
                  But there ain't no smoke on me !

   I just love that commercial with the pup singing about no fleas !


cats paw

 :D  aww, thanks so much, cats paw... this really makes me grin big  :D   and that tv commercial tickles me, too!! I can hear the melody now  :)

In the midst of day 4 here, feeling more like day 444... lol... and just really appreciating your support and good cheer!

Carolyn

Iphi,

Thanks!  Just wanted to be sure.

And I do understand. At best, my family has always ignored and minimized everything in which I've shown interest. At worst, my mother is an expert with sour, disapproving looks and the mocking, derogatory tone. Besides, the only reason any of them ever acknowledged me was to the extent that I provided them an opening to tell one of their own stories or reflect them somehow to their benefit. It's never been a single iota about who I am.

You do know that... with the book example, for instance... it's nothing to do with you in the first place?
It's simply "not them" and by virtue of that fact, because it's "not them", it's irrelevant and/or bad. Doesn't matter what "it" is.
And with N.... even if it "IS them",  they're so flooded with envy that they'll have to tear it down anyway, because it's in someone else's hands at the moment, and therefore must cease to exist. Nonetheless, stilll has zero to do with you or who you are.
*sigh* That makes little sense verbally, but I hope the thought sneaks through somehow.

Dang, girl... my breathing got really shallow just reading the next part. That's me, too. Iphi, years ago, I could not even go down the aisle at the supermarket if someone was blocking it with their cart. I would go around the other way or just skip that item rather than have to risk asking them to move. That's not me... that's what my mother did to me with all her control freakery and drama-crap at the slightest suggestion that she was not perfect in every way. Good grief... I couldn't stand that look of offense on another human being's face if I dared to suggest that maybe I could pass by them to reach what I needed from the store? 
I overcame alot of this rubbish by sheer willpower, but now, finally, am seeing what was at the root of it all. Iphi, if you see the root, it'll royally tick you off and then you're over the hump. It's the wizard all over again. He's a tiny little speck of nothingness who has magnified himself out of all proportion in our minds, pulling levers and turning dials which evaporated long, long ago. He's an illusion and he doesn't pay rent... needs kicked to the curb.

Look at what the decision on "No Contact" did for you 2 years ago! (Congratulations to you, too, Iphi... and thanks  :))
For me it's been introducing myself to these people who have never once showed any interest in knowing me.
For me today, it's choosing not to open this last letter they've sent. I do not need any input whatsoever from them now.
For you it will be something else... whether it's a yes, no, or maybe... it's still an act of will which restores proper ownership of self.
Ahhh... the blatherings of an unsmoked brain... lol.
I'd best get moving.

Much love.

Carolyn

P.S. on edit... I am thinkin that one of God's greatest gifts is the ability to laugh at self, cuz I just had to clean up a passel of typo/errors and the old me woulda taken that to heart and cringed. Ahh... blessed imperfection  :D
« Last Edit: September 12, 2007, 09:43:49 AM by Certain Hope »

Poppyseed

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Re: The Fawn Response
« Reply #26 on: September 12, 2007, 12:09:17 PM »
Hope!  Congrats on the four days!  Sending you more fighting warrior Mojo!  Act "as if" it were day 444.  After that many days, its a piece of cake! Right?   --pops

Certain Hope

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Re: The Fawn Response
« Reply #27 on: September 12, 2007, 02:00:38 PM »
Hope!  Congrats on the four days!  Sending you more fighting warrior Mojo!  Act "as if" it were day 444.  After that many days, its a piece of cake! Right?   --pops

Ahhh.... thank you, thank you little Sister  :) Gathering up all that warrior mojo and preparing for action!!

I am so thankful to check in here and find just what I needed... support and encouragement... what a beautiful reception.
No static allowed. Which reminds me... I think we each find just exactly what we seek.

Day 444... and a half!  :D   I sure do like the way you think, Sis!

With love,
Carolyn

Certain Hope

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Re: The Fawn Response
« Reply #28 on: September 12, 2007, 02:12:42 PM »
Hope - I read the Inner Critic thread first! Didn't know you quit smoking!

Congratulations! Doesn't it feel like you're losing a bunch of the emotional baggage, too? Getting free of it?


Hey, I typed your name "Sunned" and thought... hmm... that's cool  8)

Thank you for your congrats!! I shamelessly revel in them and grin  :D  Needin all the cheers I can get over here. It's hard to be alone in the house and keep hands and mind occupied. Need to mow the lawn, but feeling a bit feeble with a cold/virus, so no endorphins from exercise.

And the emotions.... zowieeeeee... today I've been too still, I think, and feels like that baggage is suspended over me by a very thin and worn cable which is threatening to snap at any moment. I'd really better go down a glass of oj with a couple antihistamines and fire up that mower. Sometimes there's just no tonic like working up a good old fashioned sweat. Plenty of toxins to eliminate, you know? Yesterday I ran a week's worth of errands to keep busy. Today I feel  :P  Good grief... can't even type without loads of errors and blathering... lol.
(((((((Shunned))))))) I feel 17 again. Thirty years... up in smoke... that's the baggage. Good thing we got lotsa socks!

Love,
Carolyn