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fear of compliments?

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Wildflower:
Does anyone else feel weird and suspicious when someone gives you a compliment?  It just dawned on me that…in the same way it made me really uncomfortable when my mom gave me a hug (once in a blue moon), it made me almost cringe when she gave me a compliment.  Because it wasn’t something I could … get attached to or believe in.  The compliment could be taken away at any moment in the form of an insult labeling me of exactly the opposite (you’re warm and caring….you’re unloving and spiteful).  It was safer to believe the opposite sometimes?  Prepare for the worst and not get my expectations too high?

Curiously,
Wildflower

{EDIT: And just now this bubbled up...my Dad used to say this to me: "I see you being so warm and caring with others. Why can't you be that way with me?!"

And another time: "You always have crushes on my friends - I can tell. I want you to have a crush on me!" YUCK. Get it off!! }

sjkravill:
Great thread Wildflower!  (opps!  another compliment!)

I have recently had a conversations about compliments with my therapist.  I told her that my H ALWAYS needs to be praised.
She suggested that maybe he should praise me.
I said, "I hate it!  I don't want to be praised!  It makes me cringe..."
I don't know why.  But I think you're on to something Wildflower.  Maybe it's because an N can't be trusted not to take it back in the form of something else. This makes a lot of sense.  
I have thought about it in the sense that when he compliments me, he is just creating or living a fantasy, and I am an object in his fantasy.  Or that somehow, this is about him.

Well, whatever it is, there is something about being complimented I just can't trust.  If non-Ns give me a compliment I might smile and say"thank you."  But I think ,"well, they don't really know me now, do they?"  or "Somehow, I've got them fooled."

It takes years of major reinforcement before I can believe something positive about myself, and significantly less criticism for me to question it.

Interested in others' experiences with this.

Peace, sjkravill

bunny:
When I get a compliment, I feel really happy. Then I nix that feeling immediately and think: "They don't really know." However, I have trained myself to accept the compliment graciously. It's rude to rebuff someone's attempt to be nice. When I compliment someone, I am hurt when they downplay it or even tell me I'm wrong.

In N homes, a compliment may well be a double-edged sword. Or the child becomes so unused to receiving them (my case), that compliments feel disloyal toward the messages I'm supposed to believe about myself.

bunny

Anonymous:
Thanks Wildflower...I think about this too.

I didn't feel comfortable receiving compliments because I grew up in a praise-deficient home.  Only recently have I started to receive compliments from my parents about things I care about.  And it makes me feel weird because a) I'm not used to it, b) it means I'm still susceptible to wanting their approval as well as cringing under the disapproval, and c) I'm finally starting to care more about what I think.

My response to other compliment givers is a simple thank you.  

I notice that other people struggle with compliments because
a) they are like me, see above
b) they feel they are NOT like me and do not need my approval, thank you
c) they feel they are NOT like me and wonder why I would compliment something they take for granted, etc.
d) I am invisible
e) they take it as a veiled put-down depending on how careful you are with your tone of voice and expression, which makes me feel pretty funky.

I only just caught onto b and e.  Still throws me a curve ball because I never mean to put anyone down or pull a power play with compliments.  Some think any compliment at any time is condescending.  I think this is quite sad that some cannot accept kindness at face value.  It used to offend me but now I understand a bit more where they are coming from and are protecting themselves.

One more thing: I live in a very multicultural area and have only recently learned that in some countries it is considered rude or off-putting to comment on other people's clothes, hair, etc. even if you like it!  Probably for the some of the reasons listed above...

Cheers, Seeker

Anonymous:
I suppose that's why it's so important to be genuine and consistant when praising our kids. They can learn to accept it graciously and not question it.
CG

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