Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
fear of compliments?
Portia:
Yes to all above. Seeker, yes especially to b) and e) too. I try to be gracious when receiving one but have had to train myself. Like “That’s a nice jacket” from a senior work colleague makes me think: ‘oh right, I usually don’t look so good so this is like telling me I need to smarten up’ but I just say thank you. It’s getting easier.
Oh and I never believe it when people talk up my obvious skills …. I expect they either want to use me, or they’re being condescending (like they think I don’t know what I’m good at really, even if I pretend not to know or hide it – my lack of self-esteem is my problem, so don’t expect you can trample all over it too! Does that make sense?).
And on this note, er…. yeowwww…thank you Seeker for what you said yesterday about me having earned my board stripes! Of course I went – owwwerrrr? – not yet please, I’m not worthy and heck, I might turn out to be something I don’t know I am yet. Treading carefully with myself, on my own eggshells. Just jumpy I guess.
About clothes, I had a female colleague who, whenever complimented on her clothes, would respond with “You like this? You want it? I’ll give it to you.”. I kinda liked this, it tests the person giving the compliment – are they sincere? Also are they coveting your item or are they admiring you wearing it? I tried this with mother ages ago. She said in the usual over-the-top way “Oh that’s a beau-ti-ful silk scarf, it must have been ver-y expensive.” I said no, it was from a junk shop and look at the holes in it. She says “oh that’s where the moths have eaten it over the years, it must be ve-ry go-oood silk.” I got fed up and took it off saying here, have it, if you like it so much, you have it. She was shocked and almost didn’t know what to do, but she took it anyway. Doubt she’s ever worn it, but it might have given her the message to keep her false compliments to herself.
I’ve just seen another compliment - may I use this thread to say thank you? It keeps the other thread clean and it’s more appropriate here and….it means one less post for my name! Okay (thanks Wildflower for the thread). Thank you to sjkravill who said:
--- Quote ---For what it's worth, I like hearing your voice.... Maybe we could both try to worry less about it..
--- End quote ---
What it’s worth? – your voice is worth a lot here sjkravill. And yes, maybe we should both not worry about posting too much, you especially, you don’t appear to me to be a rampant poster at all! No way, please post away - and even if you were a prolific poster, there’s no law against it, in fact some prolifics don’t half brighten the place up sometimes! :D
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: sjkravill ---Well, whatever it is, there is something about being complimented I just can't trust. If non-Ns give me a compliment I might smile and say"thank you." But I think ,"well, they don't really know me now, do they?" or "Somehow, I've got them fooled."
--- End quote ---
This comment is so 'Imposter Syndrome" ish. I know I score a 20 out of 20 on one of the on-line tests. My H is flat out saying yes to 1. It's so weird, but rejecting or feeling uncomfortable when complimented is so often a sign.
CG
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Wildflower ---Does anyone else feel weird and suspicious when someone gives you a compliment?
--- End quote ---
Yeah, I feel weird too. I have to fight these feelings or questions that run through my mind whenever I'm complimented. I've matured a lot through the years and am learning to care less what people "mean" and just take the compliment and go with it.
These are examples of my thinking:
+ It's like what do you want?
+ What are you buttering me up for this time?
+ Why would You compliment me? - Is there some character fault of yours that would make you stoop so slow as to waste your time complimenting me on my inane performance?
+ Do you want something from me?
+ Do you have a grand plan and does it involve me and this is step 1?
+ Did you take a course on getting people to do what you want and I'm being practiced on? or targeted?
+ Oh I know that was a bunch of hooey, you were just trying to ingratiate yourself with the people that were standing around listening.
+ I would think to myself - oh are you one of them "lets bring sunshine to the world" kinds of people. You had to do it for yourself and it was just a big crock of sh**.
+This person sees some character defect in me, and felt compelled to try to uplift me in some way - as if their paltry compliment would be the trigger that would inspire me to seek greatness.
I guess I just suspected the person as having ulterior motives and didn't have enough confidence in my abilities.
As Bunny stated: "When I compliment someone, I am hurt when they downplay it or even tell me I'm wrong."
I finally learned this lesson when I realized that I was being rude and insulting people just trying to spread a little cheer in the world and who were innocent. I learned to say thanks - and not internalize it so much or be suspect.
Wildflower, What your dad said regarding the crush is a little creepy. GROSS! ha (I was cringing for you. ; )
mrt
Learn:
Compliments have always been difficult for me. I have always had a hard time giving them and taking them. I have struggled with many of the same feelings that others have posted here. When I give them I constantly worry that people are thinking I am just flattering them and therefore I spend much energy trying to make sure that I am not. When someone gives me a compliment, I try to accept it with a "Thank You" but inside my head I am analyzing it immediately. Was it just flattery or was it sincere? I also immediately feel like now I have to live up to their grand expectations of me and often it changes how I feel and maybe act towards them.
Mostly, now, I try to push those thoughts out of my head and take it at face value. Someone I respect very much once told me that I should always accept anything someone offers me graciously (unless of course that person has a spiritual disease ie. N), because I should respect and honor their effort in practicing love. In many ways that has helped me because I feel like the compliment isn't just about me and my spirit. It is also about the other person's spirit.
Thanks for listening,
Learning
Wildflower:
--- Quote from: sjkravill ---Great thread Wildflower! (opps! another compliment!)
--- End quote ---
:lol: :lol: I know. I shoulda just posted a big sign saying "Warning. Dangerous when complimented. Say nice things at your own risk." :wink: :D Actually, I'm with many of you here in that I'm learning to accept/kinda internalize compliments, but I just realized I've a ways to go. So as Portia said on her analyzing thread,
--- Quote from: Portia ---Thank you for all the words above. I’m not ignoring them, I’m pondering them.
--- End quote ---
Seriously. I had a post all ready last night and I was going to put it out this morning...and then I woke up to a bunch more insight from you guys. Thank you :D :D
(((big hugs to all)))
Wildflower
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