Re: Mati

[Ami]

I have tears rolling down my face after reading your story. I was so happy to see that you are Christ's. He has such a wonderful life for us after this one is over.
  Knowing this is the reason that I can go on. We are His. "I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine""We are His-- dear, dear Friend.
 I am so,so sorry that you suffered so. Please keep writing to us. You will find comfort and friendship--- Mati       Much   Love    Ami

[finding peace]

Oh Mati,

Your story breaks my heart in so many ways.

You have already given me an incredible gift.

I wrote this in another post:
Part of the pathology of being abused, at least for me, is feeling that I am ignored, feeling like I am negated, deemed less than, and an overwhelming feeling that I don’t belong.

You responded with the following:

This is exactly how I have felt due to childhood sexual abuse and if I open up about my history, unfortunately, it is filled with so much trauma that the usual muted response triggers my shame again. It makes me feel dirty and unacceptable.

You also told me:

Don't feel any more shame. You do not deserve to.

Your post helped me to realize that a muted response does not equal any of what I wrote about the pathology of being abused (feeling that I am ignored, feeling like I am negated, deemed less than, and an overwhelming feeling that I don’t belong) – a muted response is simply other’s not always understanding or knowing how to respond or being unable to respond for various reasons that have nothing to do with us and what we experienced. 

A lack of response speaks to who that person is and where they are coming from, not us, and this is not necessarily a negative at all.  I realized after my “meltdown” this weekend that sometimes a lack of response is driven by a fear of not knowing how to respond or fear that one might not respond correctly; it may be that one is overwhelmed by their own situation and can’t respond to anyone else’s pain (understandably); or it may be that they don’t understand the depth of the pain that comes from this type of abuse (understandably). 

I have also had a negative response to my story (not here by any means).  I once spoke of my past with a friend who told another person.  That person mocked me quite cruelly about it.  (That memory is part of what was driving my fear this weekend.)  Your post also helped me to realize that anyone who responds negatively is just as bad as the original abuser – and just as with the original abuser, the shame rests squarely with them not us. 

You have given me incredible validation, you let me know that I am not alone, and you helped me get past a very difficult time.  We are not alone.  And you are absolutely right – it is time to get rid of the shame – it is not ours is it?  That feeling of being dirty and feeling of being unacceptable does not belong to us it belongs to them.  Neither of us deserves to feel one bit of that.

We are survivors.

Thank you so much for reaching through your pain to support me.  Please know that I am reaching right back to you. 

Much love,
Peace

[Ami]

Love heals--- doesn't it  ?                                                 Ami

[sally]

Dear Mati,

If you were here, I'd give you a hug.

I pictured you as a little baby in the hospital, no one to hold you, cuddle you.  ach!!

Mercury poisoning and all the damage it caused.  ach!!!

(((((((((((((((((((((((little baby mati)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Your mother, father, uncle:  People like these should not be in any proximity to a child.

Your fear of telling your grandmother about your uncle because you were afraid of losing her.  And, your allegiance to your uncle because he showed you affection.  What a horrible, horrible bind for you as a child.

You were misunderstood and mistreated. "They said that I was a hypochondriac. To this day, they still explain me by these things."  Wha!!??!!  So outrageous!!!!!  Wow, I feel angry.

The confusion about boys, not confronting your uncle, the kitchen knife, your marriages and children.  Oh, Mati, I'm so sorry you went through all of this terrible, terrible stuff.  But, I'm so happy for you that you are here and you are healing and that you are not giving up.  Please do not give up.  You are worth the effort.  Please never give up on yourself.

I have however, gained a strong sense of who I am and what i need and where not to look for help.  This is so good to hear.  And, knowing where NOT to look for help is as important as knowing where to look.

Thank you for sharing your story.  It was brave and courageous of you.  You are a fighter and a survivor.  May you find relief and happiness.

Much love to you,
Sally

[Mati]

I have found it incredibly powerfully moving to have this response to the telling of my story and the contact I have had with Peace.It has been so very monumental to me. Thankyou from the bottom of my heart, for it has allowed tears to flow, and that has been so healing. To actually find people who have validated me is more than wonderful and makes the difficulty of putting it up for public view, worthwhile.

Yes peace, you are right, a muted response says more about the person and their own issues, I am so grateful for that insight, and it is when we are ignored or, the horror of it, ridiculed, I cannot imagine what that did to you. Yes we are survivors and can gain strength from each other to stand against the shame and hand it back to those who earned it.  I feel some of that strength today and am so touched that you said that I helped you. 

I feel such anger towards that so called friend of yours who made fun of you. I am so pleased to be able to feel this and anger towards other abusers that our stories have named. This is really the first time that I have connected to the anger I should have felt a long time ago to my abusers. It is so vital to experience this before we move on I think. Ami, praise God, it is good to find a fellow believer here. Thanks for your tears. It is really freeing for me to hear this. I am only here today because of Christ for many times it got too much and the last time I nearly gave up, I was planning a trip to Switzerland for assisted suicide because I did not think that I could live with my pain any longer. When I have reached the bottom, He has pulled me up. Thanks authentic I will read your response.

Sally thankyou so much, your words were precious and healing for me. I am crying reading what you said about baby Mati. I have found help at last. cats paws, thanks.

(((((((((((((everyone))))))))))))

[JanetLG]

Mati and Peace,

You don't need to feel ANY shame - hand it back, hand it back. Back where it belongs.

You're both so strong, and you've both been through so much.


Janet

[Ami]

Dear Janet,
   Those words are so WISE for all of us--- Hand back the shame to where it belongs .    Love    Ami

[Ami]

Dear Mati
  Could you tell me more about your out of body experience. I have had them,also. Has it changed you? Was it a pivotal experience? Was it  a big life changing experience? Was it not really much of a pivotal experience? I am very interested .                        Love    Ami

[Mati]

Hi Ami

It was when I was a baby and I remember nothing about it apart from the image implanted, of seeing me from across a room. So I have no idea what it did to me. But please tell me about yours.

[Hopalong]

\\\\\\\\\\\\Mati)))))))))

(((((((((((Peace/////////

   rocking chairs
   loving arms
   gentle humming
   wise old hands
   always there for you
   inside your mind
   a loving old mentor
   you can trust

love
Hops

[Mati]

Hops

Thanks so much
xxxxx