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Mother's Day - a day of dread and self loathing.

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Anonymous:
Anybody else dread Mother's day? Hate yourself for not being on good terms with your mother? Just wish that this stupid holiday would be erased from the calendar?

I really get upset with myself this time of year because of the failings of our mother / son relationship. I feel like I should give in and reconcile and quit being so stubborn. Is she really an N? Am I over-reacting? Was the psychiatrist correct in advising me to "stay away from her"  - to basically cut her off? Did I pull the wool over his eyes and he missed seeing something wrong in me? Don't I say "I" and "ME" a lot? Does that mean I'm narcissist and just don't know it?

 Why do I feel bad? Is it because I'm in reality an evil person and am blind to it? -  That I'm really the Narcissist in the family because I want a little sanity and peace? What went wrong? - I thought she used to be an ok mom - but I dealt with her. What changed? Why did it change? Will it ever get fixed? Do I want it to get fixed?

 Why do I feel like scum when I know her other children will be making me out to be some selfish and self-possessed deviant and telling her she was a "good" mother and that something is wrong with me. Perpetuating the myth that everything is hunky-dorey with her and that I should be the one to  come around - that Jesus needs to work me over and put me in my place. That this is all evil and it is coming from my side. Because the Bible says "honor your mother and father" and that I'm not following the Bible by honoring them and that I'm in the wrong.  (Nevermind that it also states that a man should leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife)   That I'm a Samson being led astray by some floozy Deliliah. (Even though me and this floozy have been inseparable for 19 years - they aren't getting it!) Oh the frustration. What words will they use to violate my character in my absence?

Will she cry because I'm not there? Will she wish for reconciliation?

Or will she cry because she's putting on her show to whip her family into raging frenzy. Will they attack the characters of my family, those close to me, and or myself again this year? How will they deliver their venom this year? By way of other people telling me I need to call them - because it's an emergency?   By coming over to my house? Will they go over to my in-laws' homes and harrass them because they are pretending "they don't know where I live!!" (I moved and didn't tell them - but they've gotten mail from me with my new address.)   What's in store this year? - I can hardly wait! Mother's day - oh How I love it!

Will I get threaten with physical violence because I was so mean to my mother? -  Because "I deserve a good ass-whipping."  Because "I'm rotten to the core and she should of had an abortion when she was expecting me?" or "that part of my brain ran down my father's leg when I was conceived which caused me to be defective in some way"?  What vile or disturbing thing will they say this year?

If they do show up or cause a ruckus, will my wife, the mother of my children be furious at me for "my family" ruining her Mother's day? Will it be ruined anyway because I'll probably be on edge, moody, stressed out or depressed?  Boy I can't wait for this day to get here!

If it is SILENT this year - what will that mean? That they've given up on waiting for me to change and have gone on without me? Does that mean I'm not worth the trouble? Does it mean that they finally got it - that I won't respond to violence and rage anymore??
 Will they turn the rage inward and start destroying each other in the family? Can I expect that  someone in my family be reaching out to me, a bloody pulp of their former self  in the future?

Will this day just come and go already!! I can't wait til it's over. Maybe I'll leave town. Get drunk. Pop some uppers (I'm too responsible, and have rarely drank and have NEVER done drugs but....I am beginning to understand why people do! I can sure empathize with them -  No judging from me!)

But wait. Next month is father's day. Geez! Enough with the guilt trip holidays. I hate them all.

July hurry up and get here soon!!!!!!

I'm still ranting. Will I ever get through, around, or over this pain, guilt, and frustration?? If I do, does that mean I'm a hardened heartless person -a psychopathic, sociopathic entity of sorts?

Do you guys have these  kinds of thoughts run through your head? Or do I have a very overactive inner voice that needs to be squashed?  
 
How annoying do you have to be, before you get kicked off of this board? I think I'm getting close. You guys are saints to continue to be able to respond kindly to all this dribble.

mrt

Portia:
Hiya Mr T, good to see you back, where have you been?! I haven't even read your post properly yet but wanted to say hiya, I bet CG replies before me anyway  :D ... hey you're ok, you sound just like the rest of us, all that self-doubt and wondering if you're disordered? Exactly what we think when we're being normal everyday adult children of Ns... reading now...P

Portia:

--- Quote ---Don't I say "I" and "ME" a lot? Does that mean I'm narcissist and just don't know it?
--- End quote ---

Nope. Saying “you do this” is an N. Saying “I” and “me” is what this board is for – having your voice honey!


--- Quote ---Is it because I'm in reality an evil person and am blind to it?
--- End quote ---

Nope. Coz I think that too! Feel bad because you were made to believe you were bad as a kid? Yeah, probably. What’s bad about you? Nothing I’ve seen.


--- Quote ---I want a little sanity and peace
--- End quote ---


And you think you might be the N? Ha ha, stop it! That’s plain daft. They’re the last 2 things any N ‘wants’ and will actually try to attain (it’s what they really need, deep down, but it ain’t gonna happen, not for the real personality disorder).


--- Quote ---Do I want it to get fixed?
--- End quote ---


I guess you’d like to stop beating yourself up so much? You can do that. You can change how you feel about it all. You can find a peace, a better place, in yourself!


--- Quote ---Will she cry because I'm not there?
--- End quote ---

Only if she’s got an audience. Sorry! Typing as I read…you say this…They’re nasty, vile things they said to you, your parents, they don’t deserve anything. Nothing. You got some more nasties in there you want to vent about? Carry on, get ‘em out. It helps. It’s not ‘bad’ to say them, look at the words, they’re awful, they’re nothing to do with you – get ‘em out and kick them away from you. What things to say to a child.


--- Quote ---How annoying do you have to be, before you get kicked off of this board? I think I'm getting close.
--- End quote ---

No-one gets kicked off, well, I don’t think so, I’ve not seen it happen yet. Dr G deletes taunting posts sometimes. And if anyone could get kicked off, hey, you’re not even thisclose !

Mother’s Day, what a pain. Do you send a card? Send a card. Then go out on a picnic for the day, or shopping, whatever. Leave town, I like that one. Be a life on your own – hey I can say that, but doing it?....more of a problem….Have a Mr T day all to yourself and your 'floozie' - great word, I bet she's great too!  :D P

mrt:
Portia,
Hey sassy lady
I've been here... observing....just talked out I guess...until tonight.

You should of responded to my posting: " Do you need some cheese with all that whine?" - I'm feeling embarrassed about whining all over the place on here.
Too late now though.

Thanks for being a sweetie.

mrt

Portia:
Mr T, have you seen what they say to you? It’s outrageous! When did they say this stuff? Recently, or ages ago? This:


--- Quote ---Because "I'm rotten to the core and she should of had an abortion when she was expecting me?" or "that part of my brain ran down my father's leg when I was conceived which caused me to be defective in some way"?
--- End quote ---


- is not whining okay? That above is enough to drive some people over the edge. You’re okay Mr T, your parents are not.

Feeling embarrassed? Why? Don't you feel great about yourself that you’re able to get his sh*t out here? Let some weight off those shoulders!  Many men would ‘stuff’ it away and beat up their women/children/dogs instead. Look how many men are on this board – not many. That doesn’t mean the others out there are all super-heroes, it means there’s a lot of men out there who are still scared little boys inside (got to be, statistically), needing to let go of the masculinity ‘don’t cry’ crap but they’re trapped by bonkers social conditioning . It's sad. Whoops, here I go again, another soap-box!

Why d’ya feel embarrassed anyway?

Hey, me a sweetie? Want to come and (crude expression deleted, I’m not that brave!!). :wink: P

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