Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

hooked on someone who wouldn't love me back

(1/3) > >>

Ariel71:
This is the 5th support group I post the same message to. It's just that I want to get as many replies as possible and get over my toxic relationship with someone incapable of loving me back.
Some people think that I have serious issues with myself and my self-esteem but this is not the case. I was lonely and vulnerable and he took advantage of this. Sometimes we give in and start a relationship out of desperation...

Almost two months ago (and for the second time) I put an end to my relationship with a mentally disordered person but I’m still emotionally dependent on him. His NPD is combined with schizophrenia ( or bipolar, he wouldn’t tell me). I know that the best thing for me to do is to forget that I have ever known him. Until recently I needed to make sure that his state is incurable before I finally shut him out of my life. Maybe he resorts to narcissism as a means to preserve his mental composure and to keep schizophrenia away. Now I doubt I can help him… And it hurts me to do no contact. I still need him. It hurts me that he treated me as if I were a disposable sexual object, that while we were not together I didn’t exist for him, that one of the last things he told me was: “I already feel nostalgia. It felt good to be with you. Of course you can come round to see me but you should call me in advance…” It hurts when I hope that he will come up and tell me he wants me back. I know this will never happen and the pain becomes stronger.
Each time I voiced my concern that he ignored me, he would say:”I would never stalk and harass you. You don’t know how lucky you are.” I would often ask him: “I need to know when we’ll be together again,” and he would go like this:”I hate to plan in advance…When I have energy for you, I’ll call you. Don’t force me into doing something I don’t feel like…Let things follow their natural course…”
Ten months after the beginning of our relations he told me: ”You’re a knew acquaintance of mine and so we still need to make things between us clear…That’s the reason why I can’t trust you completely.”
It seems that he changed for the worse as soon as he noticed that I needed him…He would be aloof when I needed his love: “I don’t feel like kissing today…”
He could have told me that he wanted just sex and I would have understood him. He needn’t tell me repeatedly that he had feelings for me. It was enough for me to be friends with him and nothing more.
The last time he called me on business I cut him short telling him that I wouldn’t come to his office because I could no longer tolerate the way he treated me. I want him to suffer because he has lost me. But there is no way of knowing what he feels without getting in contact with him… Could it be that he thinks that he did the abandonment?
He could do without seeing me but wouldn’t give up having sex with me each time I made myself available in his office. It was the only way for me to be near him and so I had to swallow my pride…
He would become peevish every time I told him:
“If you feel that it’s over, you should tell me. I have a right to know.”
He was (and still is) married but it didn’t matter to me: soon after we met he said that he had time for extramarital relations since his wife had her hobbies, he had his and she respected his boundaries.
Maybe it would have been different if I had set my rules in the beginning but I fondly believed that what we felt for each other would keep him from hurting me. Actually, I was confused because I knew that what a cheater does with me he could do to me. I wasn’t happy with him. At any time he could leave me without as much as an explanation, the same way he had left his ex-girlfriends. More than once he asked me: “If something happens, would you take vengeance on me?” I became even more insecure…
His words were fine and convincing:
 “You’re a sensitive and easily hurt person, I can see your soul, it’s only you who can move my tender feelings and I thought I had become quite insensitive. I have feelings for you, I could live with you on a desert island and never get bored, you’re an intelligent and very beautiful woman and you can give me all I need…”
He became my best friend and I trusted him completely. I let him know that men in my life had treated me badly, that all they had wanted was having fun with me. He said he would help me find my perfect match: “I’ll be deeply satisfied when you find your happiness.”
Then he suddenly withdrew and introduced me to a married friend of his with the intention to get rid of me. I was mad at him. Anyway, his attempt to dump me to another failed and we became lovers. In the first week of our relationship he was tender, loving, craving for my love and attention. He would say: “Do you love me? We are one whole. You are much more than just my lover: you are my best friend…Are you cross with me? Do you want us to become the most intimate friends? Are you pleased with me? You are a treasure, you deserve only the best of everything, I would give you anything that is good in my soul, nobody will appreciate you like me… You’re the best that ever happened to me. You’re one of my good things on the top of my list. Are you satisfied with what I give you? Did I prove my feelings for you? I have always dreamt of having a girlfriend like you: calm and understanding…” He was like a schoolboy in love: late in the evening he would come round the apartment block where I live just to be near me. In a transport of tenderness he would start caressing and kissing me. He was jealous of two other guys I had dated with but admitted that he had no right to feel this way.
Once he told me:”While we were apart I was seeing your eyes…”
He often made me tell him that I love him and when I finally refused to comply and asked him whether he loved me, he said that he was shy to talk about his feelings. Then I insisted and he said: “I love you very much.” He looked vulnerable.
A month into this relationship and I realized that it was me who kept it going on. It turned out that he couldn’t see me as often as he wished because of his “family obligations” and his narcissistic father who controlled his life.  (Still he could ignore his “obligations” toward his wife and daughter and spend his entire vacation at his parents’ country house, calling home only twice.) He couldn’t phone me because he was very “nervous and busy”. It turned out that I was the last on his list. When I told him: “I wish to see more of you. You promised to call and never did it,” he would come up with a selection of the following “excuses”:
“It’s difficult. I have no time for myself because of my obligations.
You know how nervous I am. Don’t press me.
Cell phone conversations are expensive.
Seeing each other is a matter of free time and being in the right mood.
I’ll call you when I have energy for you.
Your dad picks up the phone and embarrasses me.
Let things follow their natural course and I’ll call you when I need you.
I could call you but I don’t want to feel this as an obligation.”
To this I would say:
“If you still feel the same for me, all you can do is listen to your heart and obey your desire. You are not obligated to love me.”
He seemed to understand what I meant: “Do you really think so? What a relief.”
And on the next day we would have exactly the same conversation…

Every time he gave me a reason to doubt his feelings and I asked him if he still loved me, he would come up with a different intellectualisation:
“What I feel for you is just sexual desire and friendship. We’re friends and nothing more.
When you are next to me, I’m in ecstasy and can’t tell love from lust.
I have deep and lasting feelings for you but I won’t own up to it.
You know that I love you. Don’t make me say it. My feelings are my business and not yours!
Of course nothing has changed. Have you lost your mind again?
You seduced me and now you want to make me depend on you emotionally.
I can’t afford to love you. Loving you would mean losing my mental composure and going insane.
I’m scared that if I tell you that I love you, you’ll start playing with my heart.
You demand feelings from me and that burdens me emotionally.
I shouldn’t give out that I’m in love with you because if I do, you’ll tell me: Do this, this and this for me!”
Once he told me: “I’m careful not to become overly attached to you because if I do, I’ll suffer when you leave me for another guy.” And then added: ”Will you ditch me if you start seeing somebody new?”
He would often be rude and cold when I called him at work and his explanations was weird:
“I don’t know myself. Maybe I am angry at you because it seems to me that you take away from my feelings for my wife.
When I’m under stress, I start to throw overboard everything that burdens me emotionally.
I treat you badly because I don’t want to have anything in common with you.”
On the next day he would deny having said it:
“Did I say such a thing? You must have pissed me off. You know that often change.”
How could I make him understand that he needn’t detach emotionally from me? The people who poison his life are his father and his acquaintances to whom he can never say no when they ask him a favor and whom he is so anxious to please.
All through our relationship he was paranoid:
“I thought you were greedy and after my fortune. Until recently I was sure you wanted to harm me. You know people get crazy once in a while… Yesterday I thought you were a witch…”
He showed no empathy when I had some problem:
“You’re just fine. What problems can you have? You’re young and healthy. I’m the one who has problems.”
When I tried to make him aware that he hurt me, he said:
“Your only problem is that you are too sensitive and prone to depression.”
He knew that I was unemployed and thus socially isolated but when I reminded him of this and told him: “I need you and your company. Please don’t turn your back on me,” he stopped any further discussion:
“Big deal. You’re OK. I’m fed up with social contacts. Conversations exhaust me. I need nobody. I want to be on my own. People waste my time. Of course you don’t waste my time because you have to come here and help me with my work anyway.”
And then he would start talking loudly and excitedly with a potential source of narcissistic supply.
It seemed that he wanted to forget me and even tried to find me a new boyfriend: “It’s high time you got married. We have no common future. One day you’ll say that you have wasted your time with me.”
When I suggested that again he had withdrawn without an explanation, he shrugged:
“What do you want from me? I’m married and owe you nothing. You women think that once a man sleeps with you, he must owe you something.”
Then,in an attempt to make him taste some of his own medicine, I told him that all I felt for him was pity because he is mean, shallow, unsightly, mentally disordered and so on. He let me know that he was cut to the quick. But an hour later he said:
“At first I was deeply hurt but now I suddenly realised that only a very close friend could talk to me like that. I’m touched and glad to have you as my friend.”
A month before we stopped seeing each other he told me that his mental energy resources are almost exhausted, that his family and I suck him dry with our constant demands and asked me to help him get to know himself. So I translated some articles on Narcissistic Personality Disorder for him. After he read the first sentences, he said: “You are concerned about my mental health. Thank you. I really appreciate what you do for me.” His reaction surprised me: I had already suggested that he might have an NPD and he had fumed at that time: “You made me out to be a half-idiot! Am I your guinea pig?!” On the following day we even discussed what he had read and he seemed somewhat insecure: ”Am I just an interesting psychiatry case for you?”
The last time when we talked he told me: “I have realized that love nobody but myself. I don’t want to be loved by anybody…I really thought that I had feelings for you but maybe you failed to keep them alive… I don’t know… I’m through with extramarital relations…I should stop cheat on my wife and you will help me because you’ve been my only lover since we met.”
I’m mad at myself for not noticing “the red flags” early on: he called his ex-girlfriend “crazy”, said that the breakup was entirely her fault, the fact that he was eager to present himself in a good light when we met: “I always try to understand every soul I come in contact with. I have changed a lot since recently and now I’m a nice person. I am very emotional…” He pointed out that he was happily married but it was obvious that he had always needed other women in his life…

Anonymous:
Hi Ariel,
I hope you can find what you're looking for here. You are obviously hurting and I'm sorry for your pain. Recognize that you are in pain and are suffering.  
I hope that you will take the advice given in the threads and not rationalize them away. You want him to feel pain, to feel sorry for what's he's done to you, to really hurt over losing you, to really and truly treasure you.  Like all the other postings in this board we seek the same from the Narcissists in our lives. But to be frank - It probably isn't going to happen. That's what a lot of this board is about. Learning to deal with the aftermath of being used and thrown away. I don't mean to give you false hope when I say "probably" either.  I don't know what this person is feeling, but if he's like any of the other N's written about here. He isn't feeling much of anything. Especially remorse or love. Love wouldn't do that to somebody else. Love is not sex. You know Love when you have it. Trust your instincts.



--- Quote ---It hurts me that he treated me as if I were a disposable sexual object, that while we were not together I didn’t exist for him, that one of the last things he told me was: “I already feel nostalgia. It felt good to be with you. Of course you can come round to see me but you should call me in advance…”
--- End quote ---


What a jerk. He has used you. He will continue to use you. He is telling you this in plain english. This is your billboard.


--- Quote --- He could do without seeing me but wouldn’t give up having sex with me each time I made myself available in his office. It was the only way for me to be near him and so I had to swallow my pride…  
--- End quote ---


 
What are you getting out of this relationship?
--- Quote --- he changed for the worse as soon as he noticed that I needed him
--- End quote ---


Pain or not, you need to move on, grieve, feel bad for letting yourself get taken advantage of, forgive yourself, be angry, get therapy, let go and then find someone who'll treat you the way you want to be treated or keep looking.

Do you think he spends his time mourning the loss of this relationship?
--- Quote ---I already feel nostalgia.
--- End quote ---
He's probably out looking for his next conquest.  A quote from the movie The Color Purple "He ain't whurf it!" So don't crucify yourself and wallow too much in all this. Learn from it. You can get past this. Be strong.  
What doesn't kill us just makes us stronger.

MRTRACED

Anonymous:

--- Quote ---This is the 5th support group I post the same message to
--- End quote ---
.
Then I guess you've heard it all before. You're just lookin' for someone to tickle your ears and tell you what you want to hear. Well I'm having PMS and a bad hair day so here's what I think. First rough cut only. Just the first part though, cause my stomach couldn't handle reading the whole lot.


--- Quote ---And it hurts me to do no contact. I still need him.
--- End quote ---

Hey, here's a novel idea. Why don't you do, grow up, and learn to meet your own needs.


--- Quote ---I know this will never happen and the pain becomes stronger.
--- End quote ---

You know, yet you still choose to live in fairy land??? :shock:  :shock:


--- Quote ---It seems that he changed for the worse as soon as he noticed that I needed him…
--- End quote ---

I don't blame him Sounds like you were concealing it. And needy women are such a turn off. Read a book and develop some independance and IQ.


--- Quote ---I want him to suffer because he has lost me.
--- End quote ---

You've got one huge ego, love. What makes you so special. Remember, he's an N and I think you may have a few traits yourself. N's love to make people suffer. I think I may have a dose of it right now.  :wink: How am I doin'?
 

--- Quote ---But there is no way of knowing what he feels without getting in contact with him…
--- End quote ---


Yeah, I agree, keep being manipulative and playing your games. It's gonna take you far, and achieve alot.


--- Quote ---He was (and still is) married but it didn’t matter to me: soon after we met he said that he had time for extramarital relations since his wife had her hobbies, he had his and she respected his boundaries.
--- End quote ---

What an arsehole. I don't believe women should stab each other in the back. Did you ever think of checking with her first. Guess not.


--- Quote ---Maybe it would have been different if I had set my rules in the beginning but I fondly believed that what we felt for each other would keep him from hurting me.
--- End quote ---

"Fondly". what an odd word to use in this context. How about delusionally. Yes, that's better.

Can I stop now. pant pant pant, this post is like a german opera. It goes for days. hahahahhaah Reminds me of one of mine.

Oh well, you did ask.  :D

CG

Anonymous:

--- Quote ---Some people think that I have serious issues with myself and my self-esteem but this is not the case.

The last time he called me on business I cut him short telling him that I wouldn’t come to his office because I could no longer tolerate the way he treated me.

intelligent and very beautiful woman and you can give me all I need…”

How could I make him understand that he needn’t detach emotionally from me? The people who poison his life are his father and his acquaintances to whom he can never say no when they ask him a favor and whom he is so anxious to please.
All through our relationship he was paranoid:
“I thought you were greedy and after my fortune. Until recently I was sure you wanted to harm me. You know people get crazy once in a while… Yesterday I thought you were a witch…”

He knew that I was unemployed and thus socially isolated but when I reminded him of this and told him: “I need you and your company. Please don’t turn your back on me,” he stopped any further discussion:

So I translated some articles on Narcissistic Personality Disorder for him.

I have changed a lot since recently and now I’m a nice person. I am very emotional…” He pointed out that he was happily married but it was obvious that he had always needed other women in his life…
--- End quote ---
[/quote]

Whoooah, baby. This sounds soooooo freakin' familiar. Reminds me sooooo much of someone else. :shock: Especially the beautiful and intelligent bit. Social security, and unemployed. Now, that makes sense! I'm really sorry for you. Really really really. You need a therapist, super bad. You translated for him. What can't he read english? Very emotional is an understatement. A witch, well you said it. Now you're a nice person!! Says who? You? After his fortune, yes probably. I'd say he's read you like a book. No sympathy from me here. It sounds all too familiar. See ya. I'm outta here, scarey stuff.

Portia:
Well I don't know Ariel (from the Hebrew, influenced by air, maybe there's a key in your name to your problem?), I don't know what you want and I guess you don't either.

BUT

You say you are "emotionally dependent" upon this person. My advice would be to try and be emotionally independent for a while. Dependency of any type is not healthy.

There's an awful lot about him in your post and very little about you. Maybe if you talk more about you, you'll help yourself.

Maybe if you try and connect with other people and take an interest in other people, you'll start to get better. As long as you stay locked in your story above, you won't change. And that's what you want is it? To change yourself?  :?:  

What do you want Ariel?

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page