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hooked on someone who wouldn't love me back

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Portia:
Hey Ariel, I'm not saying that N Guru Sam Vaknin has any answers, but you might want to read this by him. It's scary stuff, for anyone, whether you think it's correct or not, just the ideas are scary....

Do Narcissists Have Emotions?   by Sam Vaknin

The Narcissist is hence unable to evoke his positive feelings without provoking his negative ones. Gradually, he becomes phobic: afraid to feel anything, lest it be accompanied by the fearsome, guilt inducing, anxiety provoking, out of control emotional complements. He is thus reduced to experiencing dull stirrings, dim movements in his soul, that he identifies to himself and to the outside world as emotions. Even these are felt only in the presence of a subject capable of providing the Narcissist with his badly needed Narcissistic supply.

Only when the Narcissist is in the overvaluation phase of his relationships, does he go through these convulsions and convolutions that he calls "feelings". These are so transient and fake in nature that they are easily replaced by rage, envy and devaluation. The Narcissist  really recreates the behavior patterns of his less than ideal primary objects.

The Narcissist knows that something is amiss. He does not empathize with other people's feelings. Actually, he holds them in contempt and ridicule. He cannot understand how people are so sentimental, so "irrational" (he identifies being rational with being cool headed and the latter with being cold blooded). Many times he finds himself believing that their behavior is fake, intended to achieve a goal, grounded in ulterior, non-emotional, motives.

He suspects, he is paranoid, embarrassed, feels compelled to run away, or, worse, experiences surges of almost uncontrollable aggression in the presence of genuinely expressed emotions. They remind him how imperfect and poorly equipped he is. They threaten him. Constant nagging by a spouse, colleagues, professors, by employers – only exacerbates the situation.

The weaker variety tries to emulate and simulate "emotions" – at least their expression, the external facet. They mimic and replicate the intricate pantomime that they learn to associate with the existence of feelings. But there are no real emotions there, no emotional correlate. This is empty affect, devoid of emotion. Being so, the Narcissist fast tires of it, he becomes impassive and begins to produce the inappropriate affect (remain indifferent when grief is the normal reaction, for instance).

The Narcissist subjects his feigned emotions to his cognition. He "decides" that it is appropriate to feel so and so. "Emotions" are invariably the result of analysis, goal setting and planning. He substitutes "remembering" for "sensing". He relegates his sensations (bodily), feelings and emotions to a kind of a memory vault. The short and medium-term memory is exclusively used to store his reactions to his (actual and potential) Narcissistic supply sources. He reacts only to such sources.

The Narcissist finds it hard to remember what he felt (even a short while ago) towards a Narcissistic supply source once it has ceased to be one. It is difficult for him to recreate the emotions, which were ostensibly involved. In his efforts to emotionally recall – he encounters a void, draws a mental blank.

It is not that Narcissists are incapable of expressing what we would tend to classify as "extreme emotional reactions". They mourn and grieve, rage and smile, excessively "love" and "care". But this is precisely what sets them apart: this rapid movement from one emotional extremity to another and the fact that they never observed occupying the emotional middle ground.

Mostly, these expressions will be related to being weaned from the Narcissistic drug. Breaking a habit is always difficult – especially one that defines (and generates) one's being. Getting rid of dependence is doubly taxing. The Narcissist identifies these crises with emotional depth and his self-conviction is so immense, that he mostly succeeds to elude his environment, as well. But a Narcissistic crisis (losing a source of Narcissistic supply, obtaining an alternative one, moving from one Narcissistic Pathological Space to another) – must never be confused with the real thing, which the Narcissist has never experienced first hand: emotions.

Anonymous:
CG
Whew girl - my eyebrows are singed from reading what you had to say.



Try to have a good day.  :wink:

mrt

Portia:
Hiya Mr T, we're just in this chicken hut worried that every new person just might be the fox (that's CG's story, not mine - and no offence intended Desolate Fox!).

I haven't really read much Vaknin before and I must say some of his stuff raises my eyebrows, in more ways than one.

How you doing Mr T?

Tamara J:
Hi there,
Welcome to the board. Hope you find some piece of mind here.
I'm going to be perfectly frank here, "Play on Player" is what was running through my mind when I read your post. I have been the kind of girl that has been used for "just sex" and know a bit about what you're feeling. I've also been played by someone you feel you have a connection to, then the rug is pulled out from underneath you. Let me make a recommendation, just forget this turd. Not only does he mess with your emotions, I think he gets some kind of kick out of it. That's not entirely odd as a lot of people do that, but don't be his fool. The fact that he's married and you don't care is kind of disturbing. Not only to this happily married woman, but the fact that you are willing to settle for so little. And quit trying to analyze him. I am the queen of analyzing people and my relationships with them and some of them just aren't worth the effort. You don't have anything special going on here and his actions and words to you are only to keep you at an arms length. Think seriously about how he treats the other females in his life and ask yourself if you're willing to settle for even less than that, because you are. Don't try to fix him, don't "be" there for him, and don't wait for him to come to his "senses". It's not going to happen. Get out while the damage is only this. Move on. You're wasting you time. I know it hurts and you feel like a complete idiot for being so blind. I know this feeling, but you will live another day and be able to look back and wonder "what the hell was I thinking". Hopefully you'll be able to laugh at yourself and go on.

Wildflower:
Hi Ariel,

My original post here was filled with anger, and I'm sorry about that.  It doesn't do anyone any good.  Others here are right in saying it's good for you to be able to express your honest feelings, and I agree with others here who stress that you should seek professional help.  Here's why.

You say the man has schizophrenia.  What do you expect from this relationship?  What do you expect from him?  What do you get out of being with people suffering from mental illness?

My uncle has schizephrenia and let me tell you.  It sucks.  There's no cure.  The medication turns the most intelligent people into zombies.  Many of them commit suicide.  It's BAD.  His family has had to struggle for decades as a result of the illness.  His wife has stayed by him through it all.  His daughter has had to learn tough life lessons.

And you need this?  You need him?  You need to be in a relationship that hurts you and others?  My opinion is that you need to understand this part of you.

Good luck,
Wildflower

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