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hooked on someone who wouldn't love me back

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bunny:

--- Quote from: Ariel71 ---Some people think that I have serious issues with myself and my self-esteem but this is not the case. I was lonely and vulnerable and he took advantage of this. Sometimes we give in and start a relationship out of desperation…
--- End quote ---


You're rationalizing really bad choices with desperation as an excuse. It's not an excuse. You're pursuing a married man with a severe mental illness. There is no way a relationship with him is appropriate. I hope you will consider therapy.

bunny

Portia:
hiya all, feel like I'm losing it a bit after spending way too long reading stuff by el N supremo Sam Vaknin and I wanted to pop back and say, his stuff depresses me! I've been reading and wondering why do I feel so bad now, like the world is a terrible, irredeemable place? His stuff!

I don't need to know the psychology of torture for goodness sake do I? So there you are, maybe it's just me, but his essays got me to some place of not-good-ness. He's one clever chap, and the excerpts above are - er - interesting. I find myself agreeing with him a lot (questioning the accepted 'truths')- but heck, talk about twisting and turning my head.

Ya have to trust yourself (as CG says elsewhere to me) sometimes and well, I don't think reading Vaknin is necessarily helpful. So there! Whoooof. Shaking my head and turning to the sunshine outside  8) instead. Dangerous stuff! Anyone agree? P

Michelle:
Hi Ariel!  First of all I want to say that I think it was a good move on your part to share your feelings honestly.  That doesn't mean that I agree with or understand it, but I do think it is good for you to begin to try to explain and communicate your feelings.  


--- Quote ---This is the 5th support group I post the same message to.
--- End quote ---


I agree with several of the other responders on this one - if you are searching for support from so many, are you in therapy?  I don't think you are from your post, and I think it would prove to be very helpful in sorting your feelings out and getting some professional, trained advice.



--- Quote ---Sometimes we give in and start a relationship out of desperation...
--- End quote ---


I can relate to this.  The first thing I have learned from my therapist regarding this issue is this:  "You are a victim as long as YOU ALLOW yourself to be the victim".  That was hard for me to hear but I realize that it was and is true.  You have a choice over "giving in" and feeling "desperate".  Make the choice to put and end to these feelings (or at least START trying) and make your life better for yourself.  Obviously noone else will do this for you!


--- Quote ---Almost two months ago (and for the second time) I put an end to my relationship with a mentally disordered person but I’m still emotionally dependent on him.
--- End quote ---


"and for the second time" scares me a little.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Maybe you should work on making yourself healthier and then you would be more attracted to healthy men.


I think your feelings are real and valid, but I also (like others here) wonder if you have more serious underlying issues of your own that you do not realize.  I seriously think counseling will provide you with more help than any of the boards you have visited will be able to.

Know that we are rooting for you and your recovery.  At least you have taken the first step in realizing that there is a problem (be it with you, your lover, or both) - now take the next step and let someone help YOU.

Best wishes,
Michelle

Dawning:
Ariel71,

Wow!  You've got alot of replies - and varied ones - haven't you?  Is it helping?  Do you feel differently?  Can you "turn your head to the sunshine" which is definitely a place to start.

The reason I ask is because when I was in a similar situation as you, I became ultra-sensitive as well as obsessed and no matter what people said to me, it wasn't enough.  It was a kind of love that I had never experienced before.  Love with a schizophrenic that you want to be a mature love on some level but it can't be because of his mental disorder.  It is not that he WON'T love you back, he CAN'T love you.  He doesn't understand love.   I, like the others, suggest therapy to get at why you are still obsessed over him and to shed SOME LIGHT on your unconcious patterns. You quoted him countless numbers of times in your post.  I did that too if it is any consolation (spoken outloud) and it drove me crazy - the obsession, the "hooked" feeling.  It is not any fun, is it?  You want to hold on to something - maybe that is the root of obsession- so you hook yourself.  If that is the case, let go.  You will not fall far, I promise you.  In the worst case, you will hit the ground with a hard thud but you'll be able to get up again.  Then, you'll probably find the sadness and loss welling up inside but that is a good sign.  It means you are not in denial.

You said you had to "translate."  If you don't speak fluently in a common language of words, then you have my deepest sympathy.  If that is the case, you may be tempted into thinking that, if the language problem wasn't there, things would be different.  I don't think so.  In whatever language - he will cause you further pain unless you detach.  And that means detaching from his words, his actions, the memories, everything.  

If you do go with a therapist, may I suggest that you shop around and find one that suits you - trust your instincts on this one....your "gut feeling."  There are alot of therapists out there - you don't have to go with the first one that you meet.

~Dawning.

Portia:
Soooo Ariel....have you been back? Seen all these replies? How did you get on on the other boards? Or aren't you going to say anything in reply? Just wondering! P

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