is this normal? finding myself starting not to like...

[reallyME]

some people on this board, as I watch you sway to x's defense, feeling sooooo sorry for her that she can't get rid of me, hearts breaking over all the pain she is going through...after I spent hours posting my story about her and the torment she put me through???

The very people i was just telling last week how much i appreciate them, are starting to feel not so appreciated by me at this point.

hello???this was a person who abused me yet grabbed my heart at the same time...and you feel SORRY For HER?

don't get it

~me

[JanetLG]

Laura,

I'm afraid there are some people on this forum (as in so-called 'real life') who are very, very screwed up. Their behaviour cannot be rationalised, so it might just be a waste of your energy to even try.

Sorry that's disheartening to hear.

Janet

[Ami]

Dear Laura,
  I think that you set yourself up by 'trusting " a GROUP  of people(the board) .IMO, I would NEVER open myself up(as you did,unknowingly)
 You were much,much too innocent, Laura. We have to be wise as serpents. I have had  "innocent" usages of words  on threads and had  people try to play "Gottcha " b/c they don't like me,in general.
  Laura, I think that we have to chose the people we trust  with our  pysche -- VERY wisely.
  Laura . I think that you made an error in discernment by starting this encounter.
 I would pull out(IMO) and try to take life lessons away from the situation.
There are MANY lessons to learn about your value- which is very,very,very valuable.That to me would be the main lesson.                                 Love   Ami
 

[cats paw]

Hello Laura,

  I do read what you write, but I rarely speak.  I feel a bit timid to do so with you, but today, I will risk.  Just take this as a
  suggestion, and if it is not something that is useful, please discard it. Just know I mean well, even if I totally miss any marks.

  If you were to approach yourself as if you were someone else, what would you say to that person, if they asked your advice?

  You have taken some classes, and I am saying the above in light of that.  Can you find a way to go back and forth between the
  emotional part, and the thinking part, and see what dialogue unfolds between them?

   Just a thought,

cats paw

[lighter]

Yaaaaaa, RM...

Those darned double bubble blowin babies...... (read that as 'screwed up board members)

you have to weeeeeeeed em out!

particularly those that shouldn't have a voice or, God forbid, be trusted:shock:

I guess there's a very select group of folks who feel more deeply, have more empathy and are truly the only safe people on the board.... ::nod::

[reallyME]

Janet, Ami, Cats, Lighter...just for the record, I agree with you.

Just got back from church.  Interesting message today and I'm taking it to heart.  Considering what love is, I'm going to choose to love and keep the rest of all of it between the One who sees and knows ALL.  He was there.  He is here.  He will deal as needed.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Laura,

Typed this up before you posted again, then had to dash into the kitchen for awhile, but to answer your question directly, yes - I think what you're feeling is normal.

I joined this board within a couple months of you, last year... so over a period that 17 months or so, I know that you've posted yourself about your own previous "People addiction" (as I recall, that was the term you used). So that is one of many things about your story which I remember... because I have really listened... and I know that it is not necessary for me to believe that a person is 100% "right" in order to show that person emotional support.
Nothing is black and white where this relationship stuff is involved, is it?

Anyhow, just wanted you to know that I have always respected your honesty and integrity in openly admitting to your own faults and failings, and I've appreciated the fact that you have not taken offense at individuals who've offered you advice or opinions with which you've disagreed.
I think that, especially, shows alot of maturity.

And also, I feel dislike, too! When I sense that people are choosing one individual human being over another, at the expense of the whole truth... I don't like it. That's why it was so important to me to let you know that I hope to be able to comment without it being assumed or presumed that I'm setting one person above another... we all walk side by side, to the extent that we're willing to do that. All I know is as much of your story as you've shared here for the past 1 1/2 years and I really feel that you've often given a pretty well-balanced view of the whole thing... so I just hope that you won't lose sight of that balance now, at this most difficult juncture.
It really is gonna be okay, Laura... and that sounds like a great message you heard today.

With love,
Carolyn

[reallyME]

Carolyn

As crazy as this might sound, i really do love these people...

I think i learned some really important things today at church and I'm going to be making some necessary efforts in my life to produce change.

One thing I know and cling to...in spite of anything else, my GOD loves me and thinks I'm wonderful.  He knows my faults and failures.  He knows the times I reacted and acted wrongly...yet, He loves me anyway...and, He loves "them" too, more than I ever could.

I just remembered a little gift that someone gave me...a tiny little container to hold my tears...to remind me that God keeps my tears in a bottle.  I still have that container...it's little and very beautiful.  I never knew how much that gift could mean...till now.  Lord, soften my heart.

I trust that someday, God will be able to sort all of this out.  No matter what, I accept HIS will and plan for my life, my present and my future.

~L

[Certain Hope]

Carolyn

As crazy as this might sound, i really do love these people...

I think i learned some really important things today at church and I'm going to be making some necessary efforts in my life to produce change.

One thing I know and cling to...in spite of anything else, my GOD loves me and thinks I'm wonderful.  He knows my faults and failures.  He knows the times I reacted and acted wrongly...yet, He loves me anyway...and, He loves "them" too, more than I ever could.

I just remembered a little gift that someone gave me...a tiny little container to hold my tears...to remind me that God keeps my tears in a bottle.  I still have that container...it's little and very beautiful.  I never knew how much that gift could mean...till now.  Lord, soften my heart.

I trust that someday, God will be able to sort all of this out.  No matter what, I accept HIS will and plan for my life, my present and my future.

~L

Dear Laura,

I think that the best way I can show people that I love them is to respect their boundaries and not try to make something happen against their wishes. That's how I deal with these things with my own grown children and others I love.
The way I look at it, it's not my place to tell my loved ones what they need... especially to tell them that they need me! After all, if it's God's will that I'm going to connect with them, He'll make a way, as I walk in obedience to Him... there's no need for me to keep trying to get their attention or do things for them that they don't appreciate.

I also believe that when we truly forgive someone, then we need to stop talking about all the ways they've wronged us. Before someone jumps to accusations that I'm saying "get over it"... that is not at all what I'm saying. So I will say again what I mean - - - IF we believe that it's important to forgive and IF we are choosing to be obedient to God in completing that forgiveness, as our own decision of will, then I think it's absolutely vital for us to stop repeating the stories of all the many offenses. Otherwise... we are double-minded and unstable in all our ways.

And the same thing about ourselves, Laura! When we've really received God's forgiveness for those wrongs which we've acknowledged on our own parts, then we can stop rehearsing those, too! Forgiven = washed away, cast into the depths of the sea, as far as east is from west, etc, etc... so that continued repeating of all that stuff becomes like a vain imagination, you know? Supposed to cast those down, right?

So I think that when we really love someone, then we must respect their wishes. Because I've seen that these love relationships can become a form of idolatry in my own life, this is something I've really had to get a handle on. Before I knew Jesus, I was always trying to get some human being to fill me up and make me feel complete. But now the only healthy way I know to love people is the way Jesus did. That's not a mooshy sort of tolerance, either... after all, the Lord even told Peter, a man whom He dearly loved, "get behind Me, Satan."  Now that wasn't very nice, was it? And yet that is what He said, when Peter violated His boundary and tried to encourage Him to go against His destiny.

I hope that when you say you're accepting God's will, that means you will free yourself from this tangled web... along with all the others who've been ensnared in it.

With love,
Carolyn

[reallyME]

CH:

I also believe that when we truly forgive someone, then we need to stop talking about all the ways they've wronged us. Before someone jumps to accusations that I'm saying "get over it"... that is not at all what I'm saying. So I will say again what I mean - - - IF we believe that it's important to forgive and IF we are choosing to be obedient to God in completing that forgiveness, as our own decision of will, then I think it's absolutely vital for us to stop repeating the stories of all the many offenses. Otherwise... we are double-minded and unstable in all our ways.

i am hearing what you say, however, then why are you even here?  THe entire thing this board is about, is to vent, share stories, identify narcissists and dysfunctional people.

I'm all down with the whole Bible thing.  I know all about what you are saying, having been steeeeeeeeeeeped in Word of Faith past my eyeballs for years!  I can quote the Bible backward and forward (without addresses)...but, if that is really what "christians" believe and espouse to, then why do we all come here telling how we were abused, discussing it over and over again?  Why?

Keep in mind that I'm not even saying whether or not i am going to continue to tell my story on here.  Im just posing an honest question that ALL Christians here need to consider, based on what you said above.

[Certain Hope]

i am hearing what you say, however, then why are you even here?  THe entire thing this board is about, is to vent, share stories, identify narcissists and dysfunctional people.

Laura,

What you've described here has not been my own personal view of this board.
For me, being here is about learning to overcome voicelessness, whatever the cause.
On many occasions, I have been just as voiceless here in this place as at any other time in my life, whether npd was a factor or not... so I am here to work toward developing more confidence and better communication.

I have never had the perception of this as a place so much "to identify narcissists and dysfunctional people", but rather as a sanctuary to heal from the effects of dysfunctional relationships, with the full understanding that I've contributed to the dysfunctionality of those relationships.
In other words, I see the risk of remaining dysfunctional without a deliberate, conscious choice to mature and learn better ways of relating with others. So... no, I've never considered what you've said to be this board's primary purpose. New bits and pieces of stories come to light at various times and sometimes old stories are re-told for the benefit of newcomers, but for the most part, I've not seen much continual re-telling just for the sake of hearing it all again.

Everyone has a story, Laura... including the people who've hurt me.
If telling my story over and over were preventing me from moving on, I'd stop telling mine... in fact, I think that I pretty much have stopped.
Recently, I read somewhere that the regurgitation of old stuff can actually delay healing and keep people stuck.
I took that to heart... because I've felt it, here... and I know that there comes a time when it's necessary to move on toward the work of building new approaches toward life, learning and applying new skills. That time is different for everyone, just as the grieving process cannot be put onto a schedule... nonetheless, sooner or later, it is time.

With love,
Carolyn

[reallyME]

i see

[changing]

Hello-

Sometimes forgiveness requires more than we as fragile human creatures have at that moment. God works in mysterious (and wonderful) ways- one can gain strength, insight, peace, and understanding through nature, family, the Word, faith , grace, and the people who we encounter and who share their insight and support with us. The concept of forgiveness is more than one translated word: "Study to show thyself approved...rightly dividing the Word of truth"; Forgiveness is freeing ourselves from bondage to those who have wronged us, and to those wrongs themselves. It is not amnesia or insincere obsequiousness or capitulation to evil or the relinquishment of justice. Vengeance is a different matter- at times tempting, but we must not indulge in it. I want justice, as is humanly possible- the rest will be repaid if I don't interfere.
This board has imperfect people on it (including most especially me), who have all suffered from the N blight and therefore have the authority to speak of it. I have found that they make it easier for me to forgive, bless, and release my NH, as well as myself.

Wishing Love and Peace to You,

Changing