Self-Control, Shared Control and External Control

[teartracks]

Hi,

The following is an excerpt from an article by Paul D.P. Wong, Phd., C. Psych.

Here is the link to the complete article.

http://www.meaning.ca/archives/presidents_columns/pres_col_jun_2004_self-control.htm

Definition of self-control

Self-control may be defined as the exercise of internal control over one's own actions. This exercise may take the form of mental regulation, emotional management, goal setting, self-monitoring and making responsible choices.

In spite of this simple definition, we need to appreciate the complexity of self-control. The following represents the different facets and distinct functions of self-control.

To the extent that self-control can be acquired through socialization and education, it can be considered a skill.

Self-control becomes self-discipline, as long as it requires intentional effort to exercise self-control.
 
However, when it is practiced habitually for some time, it becomes a personality or character trait.

When one resists temptation in order to achieve a desired goal, self-control becomes a virtue.
 
Self-control becomes a thought process, because of the cognitive processes and mental regulations needed to implement self-control.
 
When it is the by-product of spiritual transformation, then, it may be considered as a spiritual gift.

When self-control is tested by unrelenting pressure or prolonged deprivation, then its continuation depends on internal resources such as character, courage, faith, purpose, endurance. In this case, self-control may be considered a resource, an important part of a cluster of inner resources.
 
Finally, self-control requires motivation. Even when one possesses all of the above, in certain situations, such as a special celebration or an artificial psychology experiment, one may decide to briefly give up self-control for the occasion.

Unlike physiological mechanisms, most self-control mechanisms need to be acquired through conditioning, learning and socialization. As adults, we are held responsible for our thoughts, emotions and behaviors to the extent that these are subject to self-control.

An important part of self-control has to do with regulating one's own emotions so that one's behavior is situation-appropriate and socially acceptable. Even though feelings are generally considered uncontrollable, their intensity and expressions can be regulated.

tt

[STAR 1]

i like this infermation.

i hve troble with dalayed gratification.  not so much whn I have to wait for things, but when i know that i can never have that parent i need love from ever love me.  That feels bad to me

[Hopalong]

I love it too, Star1 (and welcome to you!).
Hope you'll start a thread when you want to and tell us a little about yourself.

TT thank you, what a terrific piece.
This is my favorite part (or the part I'm working on):

Self-control becomes self-discipline, as long as it requires intentional effort to exercise self-control.
 
However, when it is practiced habitually for some time, it becomes a personality or character trait.

love
Hops

[mountainspring]

Excellent article TT.  I'm printing for my journal.  Thanks for sharing.

[teartracks]

Hi Star1, 

I know the heartache of feeling unloved by a parent.  Hops idea of your starting a thread to tell us about you is a good one.  I look forward to hearing more of your story.

tt

Hops,

Yeah, that part about practicing new, good habits to the point where they become character traits sounds like exactly where I need and want to go.

MS,

It is wonderful to hear from you.  I was rereading a post the other day where you and Mammaw were the subject of the post.  And I wondered how are the two of you doing?  And how are your family? 

I liked this article because it points to the need to find a balance between the three types of control.  We talk about boundaries here a lot, but seldom self control.   Dr. Wong's conclusion to the article goes like this. 

Conclusion

Much has been written on this subject. A lot of theorizing and research has been done on self-control and self-regulation. But, most of the writers tend to focus on self-control as an individual enterprise.

However, the self does not exist in a vacuum. The social, cultural and spiritual context in which one moves also matters a great deal. I propose that the positive psychology of self-control must be modulated by shared control and external control, especially, the invisible hand of a sovereign God. We can experience the freedom and benefits of self-control only within these constraints.

The intricate and delicate checks and balances between the three types of control are difficult to maintain, but without which we cannot develop healthy self-control mechanisms. Any kind of imbalance between these three types of control will result in personal and social problems. Therefore, it is helpful to remind ourselves that we are sitting on a wobbly three-legged stool, while enjoying the intoxicating beauty of a set sun. But be careful lest we fall.

tt

[Hopalong]

Hi TT,
Sometimes we seem almost swamped by (very sincere) religion here....but as an ever-yearning agnostic I did want to ask:

After what you've been through, do you believe in deity? Or before?

Can't think of a more graceful way to put it, and I would totally understand if it would be too tiring to talk about.

love to you,
Hops

[teartracks]

Dear Hops,

The answer is yes and yes, before, during and after since 1974.  Except there was  a period of 3 - 4 months directly after my boys died when I was very angry at God and turned away from Him.  I didn't stop believing, I was just very angry at Him and blamed Him and was very disappointed in Him and I wanted to demonstrate my disappointment in Him.   I'm assuming that when you ask if I believe in diety you mean God.  Is that right?

We can talk more if you would like. 

Thanks,

tt

     

[teartracks]

Star1,

Forgive me if I load you down with information, but I thought this might be relavent to the concerns you have and your struggle with delayed gratification.

Here are some of the telling signs of destructive spontaneity:

Acting without thinking about consequences
Acting as if one is the center of universe
Always hungry for power and control
Resorting to force to get what one wants
Catering to one's every whim
Sating animal appetites
Self-indulging
Reacting instinctively
Having no respect for anyone
Freely imposing one's will on others
Freely invading other people's space
Yielding to instant gratification
Resenting any form of restraints
Resenting any form of accountability
Breaking all the rules and regulations
Considering oneself above the law

Here's a link to read the entire articale. 

http://www.meaning.ca/archives/presidents_columns/pres_col_apl_2005_positive-spontaneous-living.htm

Sincerely,

tt

[changing]

Teartracks-

Lovely article on a worthy subject- Have you ever read The Watercourse Way?
I especially loved the conclusion- we must be in our proper element in order to flourish and create!

Thank you TT.

Love,

Changing

[teartracks]

Besee,

That is a powerful statement.  I believe it is true.

I just found this man's work today.  There is so much more of it I want to read.

Hope you're doing well.   Thanks for tapping in on this thread!  And I'm glad there was a nugget of truth in it for you.
 
tt

[teartracks]

Hi Changing,

No, haven't read The Watercourse Way.  I'll try and at least find a good review on the Net though or check on Wiki.

Thanks,

tt

[mountainspring]

Hi TT… 

We’re doing the best that we can.  Mammaw is very different and things seem to be happening so fast with her.  Sometimes she has moments when she’s clear, and she’s always better in the mornings, but for the most part she stays in a confused state.  We don’t really have conversations anymore.  She starts sentences and can’t finish them.  She slept for two days straight almost, except for the times I woke her to feed her and take her blood pressure.  I kept telling her we needed to go to the doctor and she would shake her head no.  She’s so tired TT.  Her body is just worn out.  She’s tired of doctors and hospitals and tests.  Today was better, she was awake more, but still very confused.  And she’s agitated and angry in the afternoons.  She keeps telling me to take her home.  Home being Tupelo, her childhood home.  She asks for her mama and papa frequently.  The dementia is really taking a toll on her.  She’s very weak.  Some days we are able to get her out and some days her legs just don’t work at all.  The other day I was helping her down the hall and we both fell.  We were lucky, we kind of glided to the floor and we weren’t hurt.  She leans so much to one side that I have a hard time balancing her because my back tightens up.  I’ve gotten some help.  I have people coming in for 6 hours a day Monday through Friday and every other Saturday.   

Dad is in the hospital about once a week, usually only for a day or so.  They are limiting his diet much more now, and he’s near the top of the list for the transplant.  I don’t know if he’ll have it during the next month or few months.  A lot of it has to do with how many livers they get and who is most compatible for the ones they get.  He stays upbeat and I talk to him daily.  We’re working on a menu calendar now of the safest things for him to eat.

I’m doing okay.  All of this feels very scary for me.  The lesson of letting go has reappeared so much for me this year.   I try not to think about things too much.  Some things can’t be fixed and they have to be accepted instead.  This stubborn mind of mine is slowly learning that. 

I’ve reread your article several times.  It really applies to me because self control and trust are the two things I believe are required in managing difficult emotions.  I was thinking tonight that when I set out to do something most of the time there’s a plan.  Like going on vacation, there are steps involved, where to go, how to get there, what to see.  And I was thinking that increasing self control in the area of emotions would take a plan too.  I know it would involve distraction when thinking too much, maintaining projects (I have so many things to work on at the house so that could work), and taking time to breathe deeply and feel so the emotions pass.  I’d love to work on this enough to where it became a character trait, automatic, etc.  Think I’ll think on it some more.  Everything involves practice I think.

How are you?  How is your mom doing?  I hope things are going well for you and your able to get the breaks you need.  Are you taking any more trips before the weather gets cold?  If I can work it out with the sitters I’m hoping to get to Charlottesville for a weekend sometime soon. 

[teartracks]

Dear MS,

When self-control is tested by unrelenting pressure or prolonged deprivation, then its continuation depends on internal resources such as character, courage, faith, purpose, endurance. In this case, self-control may be considered a resource, an important part of a cluster of inner resources.

Mammaw and you, a team since you were a teenager have done this so well.   

I'm OK. 

Mother has recovered completely from the falls she took.  It is as if she has a second wind.  Some of it directly related to my relaxing my protective grip on her.  I had to get rid of the idea that I could stand between her and death by hovering over her.  I lived day after day with the dread that she would break a major bone and have to go to a facility where she might be tossed around like a rag doll by uncaring people.  I don't mean to demean all the many wonderful caretakers, but that was my dread.  Now that I have loosened my grip (actually I was in high protective control mode) I can see the relief on her being.  I'm grateful for the lesson.
Thanks for asking.

Love to you and yours,

tt

[Hopalong]

Dear MS,
Your description of Mamaw's current condition was very moving to me.
We (Mom and I) will be there soon. I know I won't be able to hold her up because of my back.
And the growing dementia is spooking us both.

I hope you have help lined up for yourself when you need it.
It all sneaks up on you as the load gets heavier.

I so sympathize with what you're going through, and Mammaw too.

love to you,
Hops