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Daughter with N-characteristics?

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lynn:
Hi friends,

Recently I split with my NH of many years.  We have two teenaged kids.  They now live with me.

My daughter (16) has many N-characteristics.  On the outside she is friendly and outgoing.  She smiles lots.  Does well in school.  Her teachers like her.  She has friends.  At home, she shows an N-side I've seen before.  Her language.  Her interaction with others.  She states that she cares first and foremost about herself and does not think about others.  If others have a problem, they can fix it.  She claims to have zero emotional reaction to others.  The behavior that results is harsh, cool, abrasive.

I know that she did not have a choice to live in our household.  The behaviors she observed in her dad and me( by staying) certainly taught her many things.  I believe that children of an N-household have trouble with trust and with relationships.

Here's my question.  How best to help my daughter?  I ache for her isolation, for her lack of connection to others.  I hope that I have divorced early enough that I can show her love and a trustworthy relationship.  At the same time, I hear and feel these harsh words and feelings coming from her to me.  She sounds and acts like an N.  

That throws me into a bit of confusion.  I don't know whether to let things go because I understand the underlying hurt feelings.... or whether I should not let her get away with the mean behavior.

It's so weird, because the N-behavior makes me confused.  I suppose I have not been out of the NH relationship long enough to develop new ways of acting and reacting.  It surprises me that I get more emotional than I expect.  I start apologizing for mistakes.  It's pathetic really.

I love my daughter and need your advice on ways to help her and to better my relationship with her.

Thank you,
lynn

Wildflower:
Hi lynn,

What you say makes a lot of sense to me, and I'm sorry you're seeing this in your daughter.  I'd really strongly recommend Humanizing the Narcissistic Form.  It's a bit technical, but it goes into some detail about how Narcissists are created, from early childhood on.  It talks about the needs that aren't met that cause the Narcissist to develop.  Maybe in understanding this, you may be able to see what needs may not have been met for her while growing up with an N father.  That may help.

I'd definitely recommend therapy as well.  Even if she is doing seemingly well.  Who knows, maybe this is just her way of coping and she'll heal over time - away from the negative influence of an N.  But it couldn't hurt to seek therapy, I guess.  Especially if you can find a therapist that has some experience with N's.

Good luck,
Wildflower

Wildflower:
Oops.

It's called Humanizing the Narcissistic Style  :wink: The author is Stephen M. Johnson.

Wildflower

P.S. - My therapist recommended this to help me understand my dad.

lynn as guest:
Hi Wildflower,

Thanks for the book name.  I'll look it up. I appreciate the title and author.

You know, she is a wonderful person.  She's not N-like all the time.... I am tuned into N-ness more than I have been in the past.  

Any other suggestions on ways to help a daughter who had an N-dad?

lynn

Wildflower:
Hi lynn,


--- Quote ---You know, she is a wonderful person. She's not N-like all the time.... I am tuned into N-ness more than I have been in the past.
--- End quote ---


I bet she is.  I just want to say that.  Even if she's just going through yucky teenager stuff, I think it's great that you're trying to understand her - and to do what you can to counter the effects of an N in her life.  In your life.


--- Quote ---It's so weird, because the N-behavior makes me confused. I suppose I have not been out of the NH relationship long enough to develop new ways of acting and reacting. It surprises me that I get more emotional than I expect. I start apologizing for mistakes. It's pathetic really.
--- End quote ---


It's not pathetic to be going through this very disorienting time.  It'd be disorienting if it were just a divorce...but it's a divorce from an N you were married to for a long time.  Reality feels weird when you're away from it for a long time.

Have you talked with her about how she's dealing with the divorce?  Have you shown your daughter your emotional side?

Hang in there.

hugs,
Wildflower

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