Trouble with hubbie (and Me)

[Ami]

I have a long marriage and a list of many things NOT to do-. I can't tell you exactly what to do ,specifically However,I can feel the pot boiling in what you have written.I think that if you just let the pot boil, you may lose your marriage.
  IME, your family has to  treat your H with respect.If they don't, you are abusing HIM by allowing him to be treated badly.  It is an insult to him to allow him to be treated poorly by anyone.
  So, if he is being treated poorly and you are not standing up and putting and end to it, he has a right to be angry at you.
  It all rests with you. You are the connection between all the people. if you chose "not" to act, THAT IS an action. If you chose to just throw up your hands and say,"I don't know WHAT to do."-- that Is an action. You are not protecting your H.
  One thing that I never "knew" was that I can extricate myself from situations. I learned that WAAAAY too late.Last year, I did not go to a wedding.I did not realize that I could simply extricate myself. I had to get sick in order to see this truth.
 You are in charge of the situation.
 I would ask myself,"Do i really,really value my H?" IF the answer is yes,I would allow ZERO abuse in any fashion by any family member to him.
  That is how I see it. Any more info that you want on mistakes in marriage---i am your gal    Love  Ami
 

[hannah38]

Thank you Ami.

IME, your family has to  treat your H with respect.If they don't, you are abusing HIM by allowing him to be treated badly.  It is an insult to him to allow him to be treated poorly by anyone.
  So, if he is being treated poorly and you are not standing up and putting and end to it, he has a right to be angry at you.
  It all rests with you. You are the connection between all the people. if you chose "not" to act, THAT IS an action. If you chose to just throw up your hands and say,"I don't know WHAT to do."-- that Is an action. You are not protecting your H.


I need to think about this.

Is the fact that we have not received a wedding card or ANY thing addressed to us both from F and SM an insult? I feel it is. Then again, I don't want to feel entitled.

The problem is that my H, before we married, threatened my F. My best friend told my family this. H never intended this to get back to F, but it did. So, SM wanted a restraining order against H. This is what a MESS this is.

I made a BIG mistake in ever confiding in my father when I was having difficulties.

So now it is up to me to set the tone. I need to think about this. You have an excellent point and I believe are correct. It is complicated, though, because of the past.

[Bella_French]

Dear Hannah,

My partner and I came the same conclusion as Ami on this matter; when it comes to conflicts with others, we have learned that its best to 1. negotiate between ourselves, in private, and come to an agreement. and 2. stick together, based on whatever we agreed upon.  Disloyalty can be so harmful and hurtful in a romantic relationship.

It does sound a bit like you married your Dad, in some ways, and thats why they are butting heads so much. I'm not sure why your hubby gets so wound up when your schedule isn't exactly the same as his, though? Do you think he's a control-freak, a narcissist, or otherwise an abuser? I feel this is something you should try to work out, as honestly as possible, because this could all be an attempt on your husband's part to isolate you (which is very bad).

X Bella

 

[Ami]

I am interested , Bean                            Ami