I asked Hops HOW she nurtured herself. As I asked the question, a strange set of words formed in my mind. I somehow, made a "pact" with the devil( an agreement) that I would not nurture myself IF he would leave me alone. HOW or WHERE I get this "weird" idea. I do not know. Please, don't run away and say ,"This is strange". It IS strange,but it is one of those strange mental twists that we get. Maybe,it was some strange thought that just breezed through my mind.
I think that it was a deep 'agreement' that I made with my M. At some level,I agreed NOT to nurture myself. WHY? I don't know. It was some way that I could still go on living if I gave up this essential ingredient in my soul.I don't even see her now(or talk to her) but I am STILL keeping my end of the bargain.
I feel exposed and strange writing this,but I know that exposing our twists and turns in thinking is the way to get rid of them.THIS is my first step in the process.
For me, the HARDEST thing is to nurture myself-- emotionally.I feel that it is "wrong". I feel like some huge sword will swoop down from heaven and cut me in two if I DARE to be kind and loving to myself.
I CAN nurture myself physically with exercise etc,but NOT emotionally.
I have so many nurturing interests and hobbies that I love. I am only doing ONE now-- learning Spanish.
HOW did I make this pact with the "devil"? WHY did I ?I guess that I made this "pact" so she would not destroy me. I remember that if I made myself submissive enough, she would leave me alone. That was one way to diffuse her rage ,of which I was terrified. . NOW, I don't NEED to be" safe "from my M anymore. She is not HERE.
I am saying this as a way to begin to let it go. I am God's kid now. I think that this is a vestige of my time as her abused, demeaned, submissive kid-( like the "tail" on the fetus) -BLEH Ami
