the "peace" paradox

[sjkravill]

I have been thinking about peace and healing.
I always sign my posts and emails "peace,..."  I am always wishing everyone peace.  Last week I typed to someone that I hoped they could "sojourn" here for a while.
But actually, there doesn't seem to be a lot of resting being done or peace being had. For some reason, it just occured to me that healing and finding your voice is not about peace.  Instead it is a dangerous journey.  We are all so very brave for being here.

Healing, in the way we are healing, is about becoming aware.  Often awareness brings more disturbance.
For me it has been oh, s*** I have to clear my life of N-enabling and that means hard work and maybe even...
It means facing my worst fears.
What if my mother doesn't love me?  
What if I have been buying into a lie???
Will I lose my marriage?
How do I stop the...???
Do I have enough strength for what this requires?

Healing must mean that painful honesty is better than a somewhat confrotable lie.  We must know that the journey is not around, but through the middle of the pain.

In another way, while I am journeying, I am in a time of seeking peaceful moments.  I try to enjoy the sunshine on my neck...  I intentionally breath the air of spring...  Sometimes awareness might bring a moment of peace...  Ultimately, we hope to feel more at peace. There is a great ammount of peace in kowing we are not alone.  There is a peace in unloading together.  I know I tend to come forward and fall back.  I use my strength for healing when I have it.  On days or weeks or months that I don't have it, I fall back, and I read a novel or take my mind off it.

Will we ever be healed? Will we ever be at peace?  Or will it always be about the honest journey?

hmm.. I need a new word.
grace to all one day at a time, sjkravill

[Anonymous]

It is a combination of both I suppose. While peace would be bliss if I am always at peace with myself I would never have learnt anything. Imagine I was at peacee with myself during my childhood in my own world obviously. Thankfully it is some of those conflicts that were created in me that stirred me up.. and I will always be glad for it. Having said that what ever I might call it journey/ learning/ introspection/ standing up etc etc there is always an element of conflict that is what spurs me on. Having said that it is so hard to be confronting others or ones own feelings all the time. Peace helps too, these are like little comforts which we always need. But I wouldnt strive for perfect peace all the time too. After I would need conflists to remind me that there is peace and vice versa. It's learning to take everything as it and still being comfortable is the name of the game. I think 'life' as opposed to 'existing' is the word for it.

spirit

[Anonymous]

Hi Sjkravill,

I remember a book I read years ago by a rabbi called Harold Kushner. He wrote 'When bad things happen to good people'. I found that an excellent read, but he also wrote another one (oh lots of books really) called,'To Life, a Celebration of Jewish Thinking' which I really enjoyed.

I forget the Jewish words for 'To Life', but it sounds so lovely. Anyway, I like that one, a toast, a tag, a salutation, a daily philosophy, here's 'To Life'!!  

And then of course cliched phrases spring to mind.
like,
Where there's life, there's hope
I'm a long time dead
I've only got one life, I'd better make it count
Life is for the living
Life is for living
Life's great
Life, the most precious gift of all

Don't waste your life wasting your life(a teacher used to say that all the time, and I never got it till the first time I ever got seriously depressed)
Your life is 'YOUR LIFE'!

In the end it's all about how we 'SPENT' it, or how we 'EXPENDED" it, or how we 'WASTED' it, or how we 'EMBRACED' it, or how we 'ENRICHED' it, I think.

so, "To Life!"  
CG

[Anonymous]

L'Chaim!!  

Morgan

[Michelle]

Dear Sjkravill-

You are so brave and I applaud you for your growth!  Not only are you helping yourself by growing, you are helping others here (including me) by sharing your true, honest feelings and letting us learn from them as well.  Thank you for that.

For some reason, it just occured to me that healing and finding your voice is not about peace.  Instead it is a dangerous journey.

 

Wow - what a lightbulb moment for you!  That comment really helped me too.  Sometimes we do get so overconcerned about finding "peace" that we don't allow ourselves to go through all the turmoil and tribulation.  It is only then that we can experience "true" peace I think.  When we have kind of "earned" it.  It's sad that we all have to go through the process to earn our peace, but how sweet it will be on the other side when we have persevered and overcome our nightmares and can honestly feel that we have come to a place of solitude and rest!

For kicks, I looked up peace in the dictionary.  There were a few definitions that I thought really pertained to all of us here.  

1.  The absence of war or other hostilities.
2.  An agreement or a treaty to end hostilities.
3.  Freedom from quarrels and disagreement; harmonious relations
4.  Inner contentment; serenity

For me personally, at this point in my life, I define my peace as #1.  I have put an end to my relationship with my mother - for now.  I have put an end to her war and hostilities against me.  I hope to one day reach #2 and #3 with her - an agreement to end out hostilities and at least live in harmony.  Will that happen?  Today my answer is no.  But I don't know what my future holds.  I will never give up the hope that she could change.  I will never give up my prayers that God will open her eyes and help her.  Even if we never talk again, I will always pray for peace (#4) for her.  And one day I hope to get to #4 myself.  

Isn't that everyone's goal here?  To be content with our inner beings and come to a place in our lives where we are not DEFINED by our past?  It will never disappear.  It will never be forgotten.  But my one request is that it simply doesn't define who I am anymore.  I want to be the best person I can be for my family and if I let my past define me, we are all in for heartache and disappointment.  

I am so proud of you.  I am so happy that you are having breakthroughs and I appreciate you sharing them with all of us.

My best wishes to you until next time.

Michelle

[Anonymous]

Hey Michelle,
Thank you for the kind encouragement to my seemingly obvious observation!  
And thank you for your insight and definitions.
I desire all of them (the kinds of peace), but I also agree that sometimes conflict motivates us to grow in new ways.  And that conflict is inevitable, and is necessary for health.

Yes, you have a great point.  We can't hit the delete button on our pasts, and maybe we wouldn't even if we could.
But we can maybe get to the point where the past doesn't have control.  The point where the past can be used for good, and we are stronger.

Peace to all! sjkravill

[Michelle]

sjkravill-

We can't hit the delete button on our pasts, and maybe we wouldn't even if we could.

That's a hard one that my therapist is dealing with me on right now.  WOULD I change it?  Right now, in my beginning of healing, I think I would.  But my therapist says that she wants me to get to the point where I can even see the "good" or at least the "beneficial" parts of my past.  That's a hard one for me.  I am very "immature" at this one.

But we can maybe get to the point where the past doesn't have control.  The point where the past can be used for good, and we are stronger.

That's a great goal - which I think we all have in common.  

Great points!  Keep em coming - your making my brainwaves much clearer!  

Michelle

[Jen]

sjkravill-

After an entire night of balling my eyes out (and subsequently feeling like I got hit by a mack truck this am), feeling like I was heading back down after climbing up a little, I came to the forum & yours was the first mail I read.  I haven't been here in awhile.

It was just what I needed to read.  

>Will we ever be healed? Will we ever be at peace?

This is what I was asking myself the entire night....   I'm so *tired* of searing, debilitating emotional pain, and unhappiness in life.

I *know* I am the only one that can change this.  

>Healing, in the way we are healing, is about becoming aware. Often >awareness brings more disturbance.

You are so right.  This is the "modus operandi" of healing, I think.  And just like you mention, *where* the healing process might take me, is scary (i.e. will I lose very important relationships, which would be extremely painful?  Will I take the wrong path?)

Struggling to grow, and heal is a day by day thing for me, and at least for now, I'm still willing to give it all I have.   I'm so thankful that I still have the seeds of hope & faith within me.   Without these things, I know I wouldn't make it.  

I also like what Michelle said about not letting the past define who we are anymore.   I've been feeling a bit like I can put the past into perspective, and let it go....    Like I can almost touch that place where it can be done...

Like you sjkravill, I am using my strength when I have it, to heal and grow.   Today is surely not a day that I have it, but it's okay.   I know it will return another day, and stay with me awhile.

Thanks for sharing (and put so beautifully) --it helps others more than you know....

Jen

[Anonymous]

Hi Everyone,

Welcome Jen... I am glad this thread helped a little.  I sure know those nights, and the wretched days the follow.... *sigh*  I hope you can hear some birds singing today and hope just enough.  I am glad you have not lost your sense of hope. That's what keeps me going too.

I was just thinking "I hope I can get past this, so that I can just be normal and happy, and do everything right again."

I have been thinking of the concept of the "wounded Healer"  Henri Nowen is a Catholic writer.  (I am not touting any one religion.  I also love Herold Kushner and other mystics). The Wounded Healer is a christian concept... but the idea, I think, can apply to anyone.  The idea that what we can give to a broken world flows from our own experience of being woundedness....  

Maybe it's a big leap... but, maybe I won't ever be completely whole... maybe I will always have wounds and broken places.  (though, I do hope and expect that one day the past will not control or define me) But the broken places in glass are where the light shines through brightest.  Others can feel less alone... others can have courage because I survived.  Others can come into my pain, and help to heal me, and they can be healed. Maybe my experience gives me wisdom that can help someone else, or emapthy...

Peace, sjkravill