Invisible and Ignored

[reallyME]

I agree with your perceptions on that, Ami.  I do think we become "plugged up" in certain areas of our lives.  I think we also need to realize that relationships are not just one-sided...as much as we have had dysfunctional people in our lives, we often are the other half of those situations. 

i think with many of us, we do carry a lot of negative feelings toward people.  God can't heal a heart that is full of unforgiveness.  We have to not only forgive our adversaries, accusers, families, N's or whomever, but we also have to forgive ourselves for certain things.  We also have to repent from any damaging behaviors in ourselves.  Repent means TURN AROUND AND DO THE OPPOSITE.  It does not mean we say "sorry" but then continue doing what we've always done, reacting how we always did.

Just some thoughts from me

~Laura

[Ami]

  Repent means TURN AROUND AND DO THE OPPOSITE.  It does not mean we say "sorry" but then continue doing what we've always done, reacting how we always did[




Brilliant  point, Laura

[Iphi]

Iphi, would you say your sister has N characteristics?  It seems to me that, all that I've studied on the topic, is epitomized in these children who pretty much "raised themselves," at some crucial point of life.  I'd like to know if you'd include your sister in this description, due to the choice to cut off empathy. ~Laura

Hiya Laura - I'm not sure I exactly understood what you meant about children who had to raise themselves (I think any child of an N has to raise themselves even if food and shelter are provided), but I will do my best on the rest.  I don't think my sister is N, but I think we both did what we had to do to survive and that is what she felt she had to do - cut off her empathy, like cutting off her foot to escape a trap.  All she had to do was look at me to decide plenty of distance was called for - I was a mess - depressed, crying all the time, super anxious, screwing up at school (not all that bad really - but it was about perfection), getting into conflict with teachers, so forth.  So mainly, yeah, I think it was me that she wanted to put a quarantine on, because I was destabilizing, but she took it further and put the quarantine on everybody - she said "i'm taking care of #1."  Like Ami says - somebody else might have thrown me under the bus, but she was definitely the one who would leave me there, but she couldn't do any different - and it shows the degree of her fear. 

She's still prone to a kick-when-you-are-down approach, but only if you actually go to her looking for warmth or empathy.  She doesn't come find you to kick you.  She's not into control like Ns are.  It's self-protection.  Not a rescuer, no.  In her mind, I am the cause of our family problems through my innate screwiness - and imo that means she is in denial and too terrified to lay the proper responsibility in the proper quarter at my dad's feet, because it was always his #1 priority to avoid his proper responsibility.  He didn't care who took it in the neck as long as he didn't have to assume any responsibility about it or have anyone else point it out to him.

But beyond that, when I think about both sides of our family and our cousins and relatives - there's not all that much empathy to go around anyway.  I have identified 2, possibly 3, more Ns on my dad's side and my paternal grandpa was extremely N-ish if not N. 

Nature or nurture?

[QB]

I agree with your perceptions on that, Ami.  I do think we become "plugged up" in certain areas of our lives.  I think we also need to realize that relationships are not just one-sided...as much as we have had dysfunctional people in our lives, we often are the other half of those situations.

i think with many of us, we do carry a lot of negative feelings toward people.  God can't heal a heart that is full of unforgiveness.  We have to not only forgive our adversaries, accusers, families, N's or whomever, but we also have to forgive ourselves for certain things.  We also have to repent from any damaging behaviors in ourselves.  Repent means TURN AROUND AND DO THE OPPOSITE.  It does not mean we say "sorry" but then continue doing what we've always done, reacting how we always did.

Just some thoughts from me

~Laura

Laura, I really agree with what you've written.  I read it book once, a spiritual book, and it spoke about how relationships are the way God prunes us so that we can become the person he wants us to be.  It said it is in relationships that we get to come face to face with the hidden parts of us that we want to deny and that we get the opportunity to practice true Christianity -- forgiveness, unconditional love, grace and all of the other fruits of the spirit.  It said every time we "meet" up with someone who we get into conflict with we have the opportunity to exhibit the fruits of the spirit.  Many people think it takes others cooperation to do so but that isn't true, we get to decide what we are going to do, you know, which wolf we are going to feed.  It said we're only looking at how we have been hurt and not looking at how we hurt each other, our faith is without works -- it's dead.  It said it is only when we are able to treat other people as Christ treats us, accepting us as we are, forgiving our wrongs and not holding against us that we can be free to grow -- I feel that is the cornerstone of spiritual growth. 

Accepting people as they are and forgiveness though comes with understanding -- like Iphi spoke about, understanding where the person has come from and what has affected their behavior -- what has made them who they are.  I find the only true understanding I have comes as I understand myself more.  It seems like the more I know how I tick, the more I can  understand others.  Then I can forgive them because I also forgive myself, as I know God forgives me as well.

[Ami]

^{[ find the only true understanding I have comes as I understand myself more.  It seems like the more I know how I tick, the more I can  understand others.  [}




Dear QB, This ( above) is the path out of our painful and stick patterns---- Know Thyself. I remember that there was a time when I was centered and i did know myself without judging myself as "bad".
I could feel what I was feeling if it was a good OR bad desire.
  If I acted on it, that was another level all together. However ,the MAIN point was that I was connected to feeling it and not lying to myself to "save face" to myself.( or save face to the voracious "mother' voice inside me)
  I think that this true connection with ourselves is a crucial  step to healing. I guess you could call it acceptance of your inner child, deep feeling level or pre verbal level. They are all the same thing.
  Thanks QB------- that was a great insight--my Friend                   Love  Ami