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Anna:
Once again, thanks for the welcome.  In fact, thanks to everyone who's posted on this forum -- your insight, sharing your lives, and the links have proven invaluable to me.  My head is spinning and my stomach is churning.  I have to wonder if my burning desire to "learn" has been a quest to prove to myself that all this did happen.  There is so much that I don't recall apparently; and there is so much that I say "yes, but she........."  A victim protecting the perpetrator.  

My hands are shaking as I'm typing because I completely recognize my mother in many of these NPD traits -- specifically, arrogant, haughty, patronizing, contemptuous, negative, pessimistic, cynical, insulting, emotionally abusive, totally alienating friends/family, secretive, no sense of humor except for sarcastic jabs, totally authoritarian, perfect facade.  I could go on....  So maybe I'm actually on the same avenue after all!!  Who knew?!  No coincidences.  

*sigh* Never love something that doesn't love you back.  Isn't my husband capable of loving me????????? Well, I keep insisting to him (and to myself!) that he is capable.  25 years of insistence actually.  I think this is may be the tip of the iceberg.  I fear that I have had some DEEP denial for a long long time.  Years of therapy have only scratched the surface.  

Recently I went for EMDR therapy and make some very interesting progress.  However, I think it stirred up some dangerous *stuff* and I fled.  The picture is becoming more clear.  

So again dear new friends, keep posting!  I am working my way through the posts a little at a time; that's all I can manage with these revelations at this point.

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