Part good, part lousy weekend

[cats paw]

   Let me first apologize for needing to whine, also for not having it in me tonight to go and read others' posts and make any replies.

   Did some fun things this weekend, but as usual, my mother is such a B---- to me when I do go visit.  There is really no need to detail the conversations.  She does bait me, and I do pretty well at sidestepping and ignoring it, but today she went too far.  I made a reply and said that if she was going to continue to try to keep escalating her remarks, that I was just going to leave.

   Yeah, - she backed down, but I am just so tired of it.  Because I will not live my life for her, I am her enemy.

    Just recently, she said that nobody comes around anymore. (It will be a year next month that my step-dad died.)  In her mind, she would never consider that she might have something to do with that fact.  No, everybody else is always the problem. Everybody else is mean and awful and won't do what they're supposed to for her because she's ill, and a widow.
    Sad part is, there is a lot of truth to it.  Almost no one does ever stop by, even for a mercy visit when they visit someone else who lives down the same street.

    I'm not going to go no contact at this late stage of the game, because it just wouldn't be right. It's just very hard, and it is so sad to see someone live out their remaining time so unhappy.  I am just so thankful there are some wonderful paid caregivers.  Though she aggravates them often, they are truly wonderful women, and besides that- they get paid, they get to go home, they do not get the brunt of her nastiness, and they don't have the same history with her that I do.

   Sometimes I wonder how I'm going to be able to stand the guilt when she does die.  She would be totally happy if I would be doing her care giving, no matter how much I would not want to.  I keep thinking that if I were a better person I would, because why can't I just suck it up?  She won't be here that much longer.

   My brother, (only sibling) who is is jail, says he would take care of her if he were there.  I get to hear about how compassionate he is.  Yeah, right.  He's so compassionate that he's ripped them off whenever he's been out of jail, even when she was having bypass surgery.   That's another whole story- about my brother, even recently, and he's still in jail now. Maybe I'll write a little about some of that another time- some of the worries I have about not trusting him.

   Ok, if anybody has read through all of this, I appreciate it.  I'm going to be between Scylla and Charybdis, so I guess a girl can allow herself a lapse into self-pity sometimes.

   For now, I'm going to get off this computer, and go look at some magazines.


Thanks,

cats paw

[Ami]

I CAN RELATE- Cat       ((((((((((((((( ((( ((((((  tired   Cat))))))))))))))))))))))))))      Love   Ami

[lighter]

Ummmm... your mother wouldn't be completely happy.....

even if you were doing all her caregiving (by yourself.)

Don't guilt yourself up with that and roll around in it.... please, lol. 

She's unhappy and she only seems happier when she's bringing you down too.

That's not actually the case, but it is a distraction for her, I;m sure.

Blech..... and bless you for continuing to subject yourself to her attacks and harsh words.

You don't have to.... and yet you feel pity for her and respond.

You are a good daughter. 

A selfish person wouldn't do anything but take and avoid.  Or just avoid.

The fact that you feel guilt at all means you think about your actions and question your motives.

Just curiouise.... cats paw....

why do you think your mother turned out the way she did?

Any ideas.... and... does it matter to you?

(((cats paw)))

[Certain Hope]

Oh, dear (((((((kittyfoot)))))))

Lighter is absolutely right... your mother would not be "completely happy" ever, because our happiness does not come from outside of our selves. And besides, she's not capable... she's just not.

Apparently this is to be her entertainment now. She pushes, you set a boundary, auto guilt sets in.
Need an anti guilt ray. Deflector. Force field. A good snooze.

More hugs.

I'm glad you got to do some fun stuff.
Happy reading...

Carolyn

[teartracks]

CP,

Those of us who have been married and divorced or widowed know that a monumental shift takes place socially between the two states.   I'm not side-stepping the N issues you mention about your M, but even if she were the sweetest woman in town, that social shift from being paired to not is huge.   You already knew that didn't you!

Miaow,

tt

 

[Poppy Seed]

Cats Paw,

Thinking about you tonight!  Its all good.  Hate to think of you feeling guilt.  Let that go.  Waste of good energy!

Happy reading.  I am off to bed.

Poppy

[Bella_French]

Dear Cats Paw,

I can understand and definitely relate. Guilt tripping from a mother is so unpleasant isn't it? Especially when its entirely their fault that they push people away. And even more so when you can't just explain that to them, or try to improve the relationship without being abused and punished for it.

The way I handle my mother's `no-one ever visits' type remarks  is I just say what it takes to appease her, then think my own thoughts, and choose my own actions (which include not visiting her).  I am not sure if I am being abused so much as focusing my energy on avoiding her abuse, which is annoying, draining, and destroys the meaning in our mother-daughter relationship. Its like a cat and mouse game; shes always pursuing a foothold in my life, so she can abuse me; I'm always side-stepping. it sounds very much like what you described, Cats Paw.

As for choosing to be the primary care-giver for an elderly N-mother, I know in my heart I'd never do it. I'd do anything to avoid it, because it would drain the life out of me. I had one online friend who chose to do it, and shortly after her mother died she got cancer and is now battling that.I can really see how the two could be related.

Anyway, I suppose I mostly just wanted to say look after yourself. Your mother can't make you do or think anything without your permission. Its your life; give what you can, but you don't have to give your spirit away. narcissists will kill your spirit if they can, so please don't let that happen.

love and hugs,
X Bella



 

[axa]

Cats Paw,

I am sorry you are having this experience.  My Nmother is dead about five years now but she nearly drove me crazy when she was alive, that is until I realised that nothing was ever going to change.  I then changed my behaviour around her.  When she would get on the phone and bad mouth people I would coldly respond "I think I am not the right person to say these things to maybe you should discuss them with the person you are angry with "  My discussion with her became very detached and to the point and I took charge of my heart around her.  If I had allowed myself she would have sucked the life out of me and spit me out when she was finished.  We both knew that I would never look after her when she got older.  She acknowledged this a few times and I responded "Yes you are right I would not be your carer because I feel you never cared for me in your life" one would imagine this would have had an impact on her, but no, she would just move on to the next subject.

About the guilt.  CP I really would like you to look beneath the guilt.  WHy do you think you feel this guilt?  Is it because you are not her full time carer?  I understand you do not want to go no contact but I think for yourself to stay ok in this you need such clear boundaries and no expectations.  I believe she is just playing games with you, dumping on you.  She is a widow, old and unwell and so are lots of other people.  I am not minimizing this but she has choices.  She has  a daughter who she treats badly and she wonders why people do not want to spend time with her.  If her attitude to you is anything to go by I understand why people do no call to see her.

I would be much more concerned about you CP than your mother.  She has no intention of changing, she will blame the world for what does not work for her.  Please take care of yourself.

Sorry for the rant, reminded me of my mother and it pressed a button

Hugs,

axa

[axa]

Cp

Just began reading Sally's thread..................... interesting reading

axa

[Sela]

Dear Cat,

Incredible isn't it?  How a criminal crooked irresponsible dude like your brother, can set off such strong feelings of guilt, in one sentence.

Like he is soooooooo much better......ethically and humanely superior......to you, Cat?

I doubt it.

Your mother sounds......very difficult to deal with (to put it mildly).  You are willing to stick around and do what you can for her because why?  Do you feel compassion for her?  Sympathy (because she's so alone)?  Obligated some how?

Not much to feel guilty about there eh?

You have to do what you feel is right and I wonder if one way to come out unscathed is to build an invisible protective wall around yourself and just not let the words of those who are doing nothing (like your bro) and/or who are miserable (like your M)......through, over or under that wall!  Would it help to imagine that?   Sometimes, it works for me, if I think about it ahead of time and remind myself to make use of the thought.

(((((Cat)))))  Hang in there.  This won't last forever.

Sela

[cats paw]

To All,

   I just need to post a quick reply of thanks to everyone collectively, I will come back later and talk about some of the things you said.

   For right now, I'm ANGRY.  I am sick of the repetitive story of how I would always bite her when she was nursing me, and how I knew exactly what I was doing.  She does this in front of her caregivers, and other people.  I suppose the empathetic thing to do would be to validate how sacrificing and longsuffering she was as a M-O-T-H-E-R.

   Was it Janet who said that her mother talked about how she scratched her in utero?
 
   OK- enough for now.- Just want to say- "I'll be back"-  from the Terminator Kitty.

   Need to get ready to leave, or I'll be late!

cats paw

[gratitude28]

(((((((((CAT))))))))))))))))))))))

My kids bit me when nursing. I love them so much and actually forgot about it untill you mentioned it... My kids have done rotten things and been mean. They are kids, and human, and I love them all the time. And they know that. A loving parent never thinks a child is mean at heart. You were useful to your mom if she brought you attention. Otherwise you were bothersome... that's how it was for me - and is for me.
Please let your guilt and shame go. I am trying to and it is helping. I hear my mother lie every time I talk to her now. I hear her pathetic whining... and it is starting not to affect me. I will not go NC either- I want my dad in my kids' lives.
She will never be happy no matter what you do for her. So do what you think is right and necessary and try to let it go... you will never be able to bring her happiness.

Take care, Cat. You are not the problem.

Love, Beth

[sally]

Dear CP,
I just went thru the experience of being NM's caretaker about 1 yr ago.  NM was diagnosed with cancer & died 3 months later.  I was her caretaker.

Unlike your situation, I did not realize my M was an N until after she died.  Talk about a mind (& body) blow!!  I think deep down, I knew subconsciously that something wasn't "right" with her, but consciously, I couldn't admit it, because if I consciously admitted to myself that she was an N,  I'd have to go "no contact" with her and I couldn't do that.  So, I took her crap for years.

But, what I want to tell you is that if you NOW (while she's alive and not in the process of dying) feel that being her caretaker will destroy YOU, then, IMO, DON'T DO IT!!!!  SAVE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!

I felt uncomfortable when Bella spoke about the person who developed cancer as a possible result of caretaking for her NM because I have suffrerd so much emotional, psychological & physical effects from caretaking my NM.  I sacrificed myself for her and now I suffer the consequences.  I now realize that I sacrificed myself for NM because I was co-dependent with her.

As far as guilt, please realize that the care taking may come down to you vs. NM:  Who will you choose?  Sacrifice yourself for NM or choose yourself, your life?

As a caretaker, I sacrificed myself for NM and I still had (& have) guilt.  I suppose the guilt has little to do with the caretaking and more to do with the fact that NM engrained guilt in me my ENTIRE life.  So, even if I was her faithful servant, I would STILL feel guilty.

Please listen to your voice within and the doubt you feel about being her care taker.  IMO, as long as you are not cruel and try to do your best for her, that's the most you should give.

IMO, I suppose it comes down to boundaries:  The N does not respect your boundaries (doesn't even know what boundaries are), so even if you sacrificed yourself in taking care of her, it would never be enough and that's why you feel guilt:  with Ns, they make you feel that you never do enough for them and are never good enough.

Love,
sally