unbelievable 2

[d's mom]

But.......the bottom line is ...what do you want most?

1.  To bug him by calling him whatever name you choose?
2.  To play his game against him by making him "think" he's winning and giving you "crumbs" you ask for?

.....For now......don't let him goad you into behaving the way he wants to present you to others.

hi guys.. i just couldnt take that wide screen so i reposted this one. (the vent was very cool though gfn)

i really appreciate the venting and stuff..... but.. i think you are missing the point though a bit...

im -not- calling him bruce to bug him. thats just a byproduct. you saw from my original post, i was -totally- surprised at his reaction. he -disowned- me 20 years ago. he left me on the street to DIE.  doesnt that kind of say he doesnt -really- care about being my 'dad'??.  thats not just 'abusive' - thats legally giving up the right to be someones dad. he -disowned- me.

i didnt do what i did beucase of anything except my own honest reaction to not giving a crap anymore.  it had nothing to do with getting any reaction or bothering him... it was just an honest expression of who i am these days, and personally, i -didnt- think he would even notice it. it just shows how ridiculously ovesensitive he is and hung up on meaningless details.

i call him bruce when i talk to my therapist, i call him bruce when i talk to my daughter, i call him bruce when i talk to my mother.  its part of the wall, that protects me from them. its been that way for months and months.  i do it for me. as far as i understand, the 'requirement' im supposed to follow in communications to him, is being  'cordial'.  so within those boundaries, what i wrote was totally and completely acceptable.  theres nothing he can 'present' to anyone in what i wrote, that he can label as un-cordial in the slightest bit, and he knows it.

he knows perfectly well i hate him.  can he not allow me a single shred of self respect and dignity? ive kissed his ass for three years and he still treats my daughter like dirt, so the entertainment value is really waning.

ive held my tongue til it made me sick..... ive played that game, very very well.... and laid enough real-time groundwork that everyone is starting to see that I deserve more respect than hes given me.  theres not one person in my real life, who feels that what i call him, is of the slightest concern.  i told you i ran that letter by my mother, who is a professional writer, and she didnt even mention it.

ive played this situation like a poker hand.  im no dummy you guys.  my self respect tells me its time to stand up, and let him know that i am his equal. ive carefully and purposefully shown to everyone involved by my actions during these years, that i deserve that respect. NOONE can say im unreasonable now. he is stuck. he is very much starting to look like the bad guy and the unreasonable one himself.  two years ago, not deferring would have definitely compromised my position... as of now, i think it will strengthen it... i need to show him, im an adult, im his equal, im standing up for myself, i expect and deserve more respect from him.

the biggest reason it actually bugged him, its actually something that gives me personal power, but that he cant (and he knows it) point out to anyone as being 'crazy' or 'unreasonable'. its actually a perfectly cordial and appropriate thing to say on my part.  thats why it was such a powerful thing to actually do. he said it himself, he is called bruce by 'personal friends'. :}>  there actually wasnt a damn thing wrong with it, except that it makes -me- feel better about myself, and lessens his one-upsmanship.  he -cant- use it as evidence of my 'unreasonableness'. i think thats why it was so powerful.

sometimes you just have to face the monster and thats what im doing.  if i continue to grovel more than i need to, he will continue to treat me like dirt more than i deserve. ive carefully shown by my actions, including kissing a -whole- lot of ass, that i deserve consideration. so if he doesnt come across, HE will start to look like the unreasonable one.  him being irked, is a total and complete byproduct. its also HIS responsibility, not mine. if i were to 'defer' in this situation, without him giving me some concession in return, it would be pandering to a bully, and thats a very bad idea and leads to escalation of bullying.  

the advice you gave, to play the game no matter how sick it made me, -would- have been very appropriate two years ago, when i was much more vulnerable and he had more control.. and thats definitely what ive been doing, and thats why im so damn sick right now, honestly.  but at this stage, i have laid that groundwork and its now time for me to stand up a little and take some of what i earned. not only that, but he has shown me by his reactions, that 'playing the game' his way doesnt really get me anything but more disrespect. and thats the truth.

you guys also missed the point, that im getting -two weeks-.

i called him bruce and pissed him off, but i got the longest visit ever out of it. so.....?????? two weeks isnt a month, but its a lot longer than any visit weve had in the past.

so im not so sure it was a bad idea. sometimes, you have to call the bluff.

bullies -are- cowards. he is terrified of me. and I have proven by my actions]/b] and a lot of hard work that I deserve respect. if he doesnt give it, -he- will look bad. so I feel like getting up off my knees for awhile.

i hope that makes sense. i really appreciate your input. this is a complicated situation like all family situations are, and your advice was good, i just think im at a different stage now. i hope you can understand where im coming from. i -am- playing the game... believe me. im playing with everything i have.
thanks so much all i really appreciate the thoughts
Anna

[d's mom]

sorry about the formatting,   also i need to say:


there is NO HOPE of me getting anywhere on a legal basis. that is not an option right now.

the absolutley minimum that would get me into court, about $10,000.00 is about my yearly income, since im on disability. also, most attorneys i talk with tell me that the whole case would cost somewhere between $50 and $100,000.00... (yes, a hundred thousand dollars) since they are millionaires and likely to fight. so getting satisfaction legally is a very low chance of working out.

so... unless and until i can find a pro bono attorney, and three years of looking hasnt found one, i am on my own. as they say in the tv shows, "its all me".

i cant rely on the legal system to help me with this one.
thanks guys.
Anna

[mum as guest]

Anna, I responded on the other thread, but I wanted to run something by you.  Has anyone ever told you to go "public" with this?  Like 60 minutes, New York Times, some media source? Just wondering.  I've been told that a bunch of times, because of how ridiculously unfair and sexist my situation  has been.

I have not done this, though, for two reasons.  One, I think almost as little of the media as I do of the court system and two, I wouldn't want to  damage my kids anymore than has already been done .  Actually, the second one is the first and foremost reason.

 I just wonder, don't you?  It's so frustrating how these bastards get to control things.....because they know WE won't hurt the children further, they get to keep it going.  ARGGHH.