Irritation/Anger Build Up

[gratitude28]

Hmmmm...

Remember just a few weeks ago I was saying I was free of hurt and anger????? Well, it's passing... Guess my pink cloud is set to evaporate

My sister came to visit and it was 95% great. We really seem to be on the mend. She is very important to my kids and loves them. And we had some talks - most of which skirted issues, but brought them to light nevertheless.

As you know, we've been back in America about three months. When we got here, my parents couldn't be bothered to call. When I mentioned I hadn't heard from them to my sister, my mother started calling more frequently for a while. But it was pointless. We really don't have much to talk about. If my dad is around, we can have a conversation - or start to- until my mother takes it over with some thing she can jam in...

So... they still never call. She called me once (coincidentally right before my sister came... I am assuming it was so it wouldn't be too odd that she would be calling her all day while I was with her). She apologized a hundred times in a fake tone, because "I just forget you live here!!!." When she does call, she makes sure I know she has to use a calling card - I guess to point out that she is spending yet more money on me...

My kids have called my parents and my mother never knows who they are until they tell her. They are her own grandkids and she knows no other children who would call. My son will call to talk football with my dad once in a while, but we call mainly only if he will be there. She still jumps in and tries to take over. But dad is pretty good about it. He adores talking to the kids and is interested in them. If my mother talks to them, it is to tell them what new thing she has bought herself.

They are coming back at the end of the month. I am wrestling with the fact that Thanksgiving and Christmas are around the corner. I don't have the money to travel now - our finances are not what they were when we were overseas. Even though I have been the one to travel to them on my dime, except when they came to visit because Mom wanted a fun trip, I am feeling guilty about this. And I feel she will use it against me.

I don't know. I think I am babbling. But I feel garbage building up and I was feeling good before. Why does it change? How do I amke it so this just plain doesn't happen anymore????

Thanks for listening.

Love, Beth

[sun blue]

<<<<<<<Gratitude>>>>  Sending you hugs of support.  I can sooo identify with your emotions.  Just judging by wrote you wrote, I guess it is not much of a coincidence that your anxiety level went up when contact with your mother increased.  That's the N for you.  As a non-N, you try to approach the person in a logical, common sense way, engaging in conversations or trying to and the result is always the same.

I can identify with those pangs in the gut when it comes to thinking about N parents and the holidays.  I also understand the guilt but think about it.  Your Nmom really has no guilt about the way she treats you or her lack of interest in you and your children right?  As for the holidays, I guess you have to weigh the pros and cons.  Sometimes I think when dealing with N parents that we need to be just a little bit selfish.  If that means not spending important holidays with Nparents because of the damage they will inflict, so be it.  It will be hard to control the anxiety when you have to spend one-on-one time with your Nparent, especially at the holidays.  Not to mention the financial sacrifice you will have to make to get there.  I guess only you can decide if it's worth it.  Perhaps put it off this year and make plans for a later time to visit when you are more settled?  Or, make the visit and limit your time with them. 

It is a really hard decision I know.  Holidays just by themselves bring up all those hopes and dreams for a loving, caring relationship with the N parent.  You see all those Hallmark cards and TV specials where families have wonderful holiday times.  But if you grew up with a N parent like I did, that is just not reality. 

Perhaps this year you should make the holidays about you and your kids.  Maybe create new traditions and do something special just for yourselves?  Maybe give yourself a break from the anxiety of an N holiday.  Sometimes it's better to trade a little bit of guilt (though unwarranted) for a pleasant, calm holiday.  But again only you can choose what is best for you.

I know that I always feel that anger after the holidays with the N parent.  I always put so much into the holiday and hope for something good but after all is said and done, I just feel sad and depressed and disappointed.  If you have a chance to skip that this year, I'd take it.

Either way, don't let your mom ruin your return home.  I know it's easier said than done  Instead, try to focus on the good things in your life like your children and other family.

Hang in there...

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((((Sun))))))))))))))

Thanks... I am going to sleep on it and try to untangle what all is bothering me.

Have a sweet night.

Love, Beth

[Bella_French]

Beth,

I was wondering why you want more contact with your N-mother?

X Bella

[lighter]

gratitude:

It's one thing to figure this stuff out and build your pink cloud of happiness.

An entirely different matter to sustain it (not lose focus while enforcing boundaries and remembering all the improbable stuff they do for no good reason.)

It's crazy making.

Maybe there's some mantra out there...... to be chanted when in ANY contact with N's...... so we don't start losing sight of what we already figured out and made peace with?

Boundaries begin to blur, feelings forget and sneak in hope..... just when we thought we were done being blindsided.... we get blindsided and then there's the children's feelings.

And Holidays

And the N's responses to our boundaries

I think your responses are just about right.

 It's logical to be disturbed by what you're dealing with. 

[gratitude28]

Hi Bella, Lighter,
I don't WANT more contact with my mother. If I could, I would never bother with her again. But, it is irritating to have her fawn all over my sister right in front of my nose. While visiting here, she talked to her at least once a day. She can't be bothered to remember I am here, yet she can't go a full day without talking to my sister. I shouldn't care - I should be grateful not to have to deal with her.
Now that you have brought it to light, Bella, I think my irritation has to do with the fact that we don't have much money now and she has always looked at me as the "rich" one. I worked really hard to save and stay ahead of the game. But now, with the expenses from the move and the fact that I have not found work. SHe has no problem taking from me, but gives to my sister, who has everything now. Not once have they done anything to make my life easier, but they took care of her for years.
Wow, it sounds like I am stressed and taking it out on her. They have done little to ever help me, and I fear she will use the fact of my being in this position against me now.
Gosh, I am not making any sense at all now. It sounds like I have more untangling to do.
Please forgive me for being so muddle-headed.
Thanks for helping me try to sort this all out.
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Beth,
  You are making HUGE sense. I understand every word.. You are hurt. You are treated like an old shoe. You are used. Even though you say that it "doesn't hurt"---it does. Your M has all sorts of interest in your sister,but can't remember what "country" you are in.
  Your M spends all sorts of money on your sister ,but TAKES from you,only.
  Last night,I had some revelations about  "needing people". I notice that my Yorkie( Mimi) "needs" someone to love. From the first time that I got her, she is "looking for a lap" to snuggle on. My Poodle was much more aloof ,so I was surprised. However,there is something 'built in" Mimi to "need  and seek connection and bonding.
 My inner child workbook had exercises on this. You picture yourself as a child and try to feel what you were feeling. I felt the "need" for bonding ..
 I realized that it is probably built in to us as a species.
  Beth, your are feeling"normal" needs and desires ,IMO.
  I don't think that it makes you "less than" that you WANT  a family's connection. I think that we can't help it as humans. It is built in to us as it is built in to  Mimi .It must be bred in to that breed, the same way that  it is "inherent " in us.
 Mimi  is not "right" or "wrong" for wanting bonding.It is in her nature.
 When my S sits on the floor, Mimi  comes running to his lap. He can't be bothered with her. However,it is her 'nature" to want a cozy lap to sit on and a person( or animal) to be close to.
  I think that we had the very unfortunate life experience of having N mothers. We are in a select 'club' where the rules for mother hood are "off the wall". They are upside down. We have an "Alice in Wonderland"  existence.
  Beth, you are normal for what you want and need. Your M ( and your sister) are abnormal.
  Don't let them force you to think that your "desires" are wrong, when it is they who are "wrong"
 ((((((((((((((((((((((Beth))))))))))))))))))))                                      Love    Ami

[Certain Hope]

((((((((Beth))))))))

I think it's the stress of the move, the financial aspects, upcoming holidays... completely natural... just everything heaping together and causing you to feel more vulnerable. That's when we're supposed to be able to lean on family as they offer a soft, safe place to rest and refresh. With NPD, it's never soft, safe, restful or refreshing. When contact with relatives inspires the same emotions as a telemarketer, I think it's time to treat them as such. Firmly, politely, non-negotiably refuse to engage?
I'm finding that I have to take that same approach with myself, when the internal discussions begin. Sometimes that means shutting the door/ gently hanging up on...  my own thoughts.

Maybe what you fear is that you'll use your own (temporarily!!) vulnerable position against yourself...?
My mother has the ability to help me... and sometimes I'm afraid that I'll weaken and mention a need... as though somehow that would reduce me to a heap of nothingness... but that's the old N lie - that it's inherently wrong and shameful to need. Such a vicious circle.
I get tangled up in it, too, so I just say nothing.

Love to you,
Carolyn

[Ami]

Dear Beth and Caroyln,
  I think that what you might be saying is that within us is still the need and want for a "soft place to fall". We can get 'taken in by a little "kindness " from the N and then "sell our soul"
 I have done this thousands of times. I simply crave  a warm touch or kind word from my family( particularly M). I have sold my soul over and over again for the hope of these things.
  When I see Mimi, I don't get so down on myself .Mimi simply needs love, warmth and connection.It is not 'good " or "bad'. It just is. I think that we are like Mimi( as humans)
   Love   Ami
 

[cats paw]

Beth,

  How well I can understand the difficulties of ambivalence.

  You've gotten some good responses to think about.  My own pink cloud has evaporated recently, but I know that more will 
  eventually appear. 
 
  Just wanted to say I stand by your side as you untangle things.

cats paw

[Poppy Seed]

G28,
I makes my head spin to see how fast my N family can throw me off balance.  I almost want to interact with them just to practice over and over my new skills.  Maybe that adversity will build my muscles.  Or.....I may be completely crazy for saying or even considering it.!

Tangles and knots.....knots and tangles.  ((((((anti-stress hug))))))))!

Much support to you. 

Poppy

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((Thank you all))))))))))))))))
I means so much to me to have you help me out and support me.
I think a lot of it is as you said - vulnerability in my current situation...
Cat, yes, another fluffy cloud should float my way soon (and yours). I hope so!!!
Yes, Poppy, I get stronger with each low point - that I know is true. And I have all of you to thank for helping me build those muscles.
Carolyn, Ami - yes, I think I wish I did have a soft place to fall. I also think that when I am suffering, I try to make others happy - to never let on. I still feel it is my duty somehow to make the entire world happy.
Have to run now, but I have a good article to share that I found.
Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

Oh ((((((Beth)))))))).

This is exactly the time for the alert N-survivor to begin the Holiday Dreads.
I loathe the whole thing.
Once Mom's gone, I hope to decamp for another country that doesn't feature Xianity for the holidays.
Come back when the year is new.

love and sympathy,
Hops

[Bella_French]

Dear Beth,

I can totally understand. I swing in and out of objectifying my mother as an N too. And yet each time I approach the relationship as if dealing with `my  mother' (and all the love and meaning attached to that), rather than a `somatic Narcissist', I am severely disappointed and harmed. There must be somewhere in between, but i haven't found it yet. Maybe I'm in the `bargaining' phase of mourning the loss of having a loving mother. Probably. That sounds likes me, lol.

Beth, not to invalidate your feelings, but I think you are so lucky to be in this space right now. I am craving what you have! If it were me, I'd run with it, and have as little contact as possible. She is hurting you with this `ambient' form of abuse, and you and your family don't deserve it at all.

X Bella