Advice on how to help my son

[pasara]

Hello. I am new and was happy to find this board, hoping you might have some advice for me. My 16 yo son is having a very hard time with his father (my ex) who is definitely what you would term a "controlling parent" or "narcissistic parent." Things came to the fore when his dad transfered him to another school, without consulting with me and against my son's will. My son became so depressed he was unable to eat and lost close to 20 lbs. Finally my son determined that the environment was too unhealthy for him. He told his father he would be returning to his old school and living with me for a while. The manner that he did this was very mature and he repeatedly included in it his reassurance to his father his love and appreciation for him and hoped for his support and understanding. Now my son is living with me and is back at his school. He is eating again and overall things are much better for him. But beneath it all he is so full of anger and grief. He loves his father so much and is deeply hurt. His dad would not return any phone calls from either my son or me, and effectively has cut my son completely off. Now my son, normally an excellent student and happy go lucky guy, is having trouble concentrating in school, and has what he calls "meltdown." He tries to make sense of his father's treatment of him, but unfortunately there is no sense in it. it is unpredictable and can make you feel like you are the crazy one.

What can I do to help my son through this? any and all advice would be deeply appreciated.

[lighter]

Pasara:

Take your son to a good psychotherapst. 

[pasara]

thanks, lighter.
I guess what i am looking for here is suggestions on ways I can help as his mother. for example, i try to be a good listener. i try not to ever put down his father or stoke the fires, so to speak. i try to reassure him that his father's treatment of him is not his fault. i try to help him see when he is making his situation worse for himself. etc

[lighter]

I assumed you were trying to help him as well as you could.

If you haven't taken him to see a professional.... I would do that.

I'm not trained to help people navigate this kind of difficulty.

There are people out there who are.

You don't want to look back and wish you had reached out for professional help sooner.... is all I'm saying.



 

[Iphi]

That you exist for your son to come to is already very crucial.  I had a dad like that, but no mom.  At his time of life, your son is building his autonomy and his dad sabotaged that work.  That's SO destructive.  The cold shoulder cut-off is SO typical, devastating and I just have always hated the way my dad always escalated any disagreement into Total War just like that.  It just completely sucks.  I know exactly how it is.

Here would be my wish list in his shoes - maybe run it past him.
Your son needs support in building his individual strength as a decision maker and to build experience in feeling effective as a soon to be adult who will soon be running his own life's business and only seeking advice and input - i.e. not unilateral decisions and power plays from his 'rent.

I think you should be really honest in validating your son's point of view.  It's really unfair of his dad to do his freeze out power play and I think it is fine for you to state that, but put up front that you are biased and involved.  Facilitate him seeing a third party (therapist type) so that he can be free to explore the whole range of this stuff safely.  Make sure he knows you and the T are not kibbitzing behind his back.

My husband's dad is a big fat controlling N and my husband turned out great anyway.  His dad is his example of who Not to be.  My H learned how bad it feels to be treated that way and runs his own life much more wisely and insightfully though of course not perfectly or else the stress of perfection would get to him.  

Practical question for you:  is dad/has dad said he would financially assist in college?  Be prepared to have alternate strategies because clearly Dad is very capable of misusing his leverage.  

Also, for college, your S should not worry that a bump in the road of his grades will put college out of reach.  He just needs to make sure to interview for school and/or to also address the issue in his application essays - up front.  It's easy to do great when things are going great, but it says a lot about a person's character when they soldier ahead when trouble happens like it is now.  

hope these thoughts help.

[Poppy Seed]

Pasara,

Hello and welcome.  It is always nice to see new faces.  I just want to reach out and grab your son and hug him and tell him he did nothing wrong!!  I want so badly for him to know that and never forget how excellent his behavior was in the face of such selfish controlling. 

Does your son talk to you about his feelings?  Or is it more that you are observing his behavior and trying best to diagnose?  Does he keep a journal?  Does he have any outlet for his anger?  Maybe he could write a letter to his father, even if he never sent it, and really let out all the pain of what has transpired.  Something private that you don't read or that maybe a future therapist could read with him and help him to process. 

I think your son sounds very mature for his age.  And he has taken steps to make himself safer and happier.  I think that above all shows his depth and natural skill.  I think these attributes need to be nurtured and validated so that the shame and guilt piece doesn't hurt his ability to care for self.  Does he admire his father and seek his approval?  I would hate to see him do what I did.....give up my self care to gain the favor of a self interested parent. I think helping him to understand boundaries right now and proper lines of responsibility is important while protecting him from hearing slandering comments about his father.  It is just truth that can fight the temptation to cave or blame self or etc etc etc.

You are a good mom.  I can hear your care.  I hope he can find a person to talk to outside of the fam....someone skilled and with objective, validating, and loving perspective.  This seems like it could be an important window for him.  If he can learn how to deal with N behavior, maybe he can avoid some of the so incredibly painful pitfalls and long years of suffering.

Some love for you and some love for your son,

Poppyseed

[Ami]

Dear Friend,
   I think that you can give your son a huge gift.It is being honest with him and let him be honest with you.I had an N mother. If ONE person would have told me the truth( she was "sick"and it was not my fault),I could have thrived.
  I have raised two good sons with an N(ish?) H.
 My son's turned out well b/c my first important rule in my relationship with them was honesty.
   The worst thing for kids is when they "know" the truth,but people  don't validate it.. You sound like you really love him.Love goes a very ,long way in helping a child heal.Love and honesty will be wonderful gifts from you to him.. You sound like a caring and loving mother.
                   Love  Ami

[axa]

Hi,

I also agree with your son seeing a therapist.  I would also validate the maturity of his decision and while not bad mouthing his father pointing out that what his father did was not the right decision and father's do not necessirily have all the answers.

Sounds like he is lucky to have a good Mom like you.  Poor kid sounds like he has been put in such a difficult place.  Support, love and validation are the order of the day from my perspective.

axa

[Hopalong]

Pasara,
I couldn't add anything, you've been given such great counsel.
I just want to send love and support to you and to your son.
It's heartbreaking to see your child in pain.

I might think of saying, your Dad loves you more than he knows how to love anybody in this world.
But because of his personality, he doesn't know how to love you fully, like some fathers can. It's very sad and painful for you, but it's just the reality of your Dad's nature. It's who he is. How he copes with relationships. As hard as it is to face, when you realize that none of it's your fault and none of it is your job to change, and tell the truth about how it makes you feel, you are still going to grow up fine.

too long-winded, but that's where my mind went...

and Welcome.

Hopalong

[teartracks]

Hi P,

I like all the advice the others have given.  I agree about having him see a therapist/counselor.
I agree with Ami about being honest.
I especially agree with Hops, I might think of saying, your Dad loves you more than he knows how to love anybody in this world.  But because of his personality, he doesn't know how to love you fully, like some fathers can. It's very sad and painful for you, but it's just the reality of your Dad's nature. It's who he is. How he copes with relationships. As hard as it is to face, when you realize that none of it's your fault and none of it is your job to change, and tell the truth about how it makes you feel, you are still going to grow up fine.  I like this because having his dad behave this way is probably a total mystery to your son.  Having you explain along the lines Hops wrote, that his father doesn't know any other way to love will help demystify his behavior. 

Hugs to you both,

tt

[pasara]

thank you all so much! your support and advice. it is very reassuring. as i see you understand, what is always the tricky road to tread is to call it like it is while still having compassion in your heart, and making sure that who i am speaking to understands that. i appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts. it has been helpful.

[lighter]

Parasa....

Your remaining calm and centered.... stable and sustaining your/his routines...... that's so important.

As long as he has one very stable parent.... as long as you give him permission to love his father.... though his father can't do better..... as long as you let him know that his father does things that don't make sense but it's not about HIM/son.... he'll have a great chance at navigating this tough time.

You're modeling behavior for him that he'll take with him into his adulthood.

 He can plainly see who's coping and living a better life, between you and his father, yes?

I still have little children. 

I can say...... "Daddy doesn't know any better.... let's teach him to do better."

I don't know what to say to older children.... yet

[Poppy Seed]

as long as you give him permission to love his father.... though his father can't do better..... as long as you let him know that his father does things that don't make sense but it's not about HIM/son.... he'll have a great chance at navigating this tough time.

Pasara,  I don't know if this is helpful or not, but when I read this thought in Lighter's post I immediately thought of my husband.  For the sake of time and the fact that this is YOUR post, I won't add details.  But he is the product of an environment that would NOT allow any of the above.  And now, he has discovered that his M and family is N-stic, he doesn't know what to do with his emotions.  He is not sure if he can love them.  And if he can't love them, he can't love himself because he came from them.  But loving them, the way he was raised, means that you don't see flaws.   I see him battle as he tries to give a voice to his own victimization and the shame he feels because his enviroment has never allowed him to identify poor/abusive/or less effective behavior.   What he is struggling so much to learn now  is exactly what Lighter listed above.  That is ok to identify what hurt him and how it hurt him and still love his family.  So much unwinding......and how do you unwind something that has almost crippled you?

Much love,
Poppy

[Gaining Strength]

pasara - I was raised with such a father and this is what I suggest - I agree with Hops and others that it is important to let him know that his father does not have the capability of loving in a way that is supportive and nurturing to your son.  Acknowledge that this is a damaging and very, very painful way to grow up.  Though I admire your responsible attitude to now speak ill of your ex-husband there is a fine line between making personal attacks and helping your son work through this devastating reality. 

The thing that was MOST confusing to me until very recently in my life is that I knew what parents were supposed to be like - love their children to the point of sacrifice.  I believed this about my parents in spite of so many actions that flatly contradicted this.  When reality did not jive with my view of what parents actions should ideally be I immedicately found fault with myself rather than my parent.  Don't let your son do this.  Make it clear to him that his father's shortcomings are about your ex-husband not about your son.  Make it clear that he will have an obstacle to overcome because his father can not be unconditionally supportive of him but reassure him that with strength and courage he can overcome this and have a full and rewarding life.

Help him sort through these things as long as he keeps the dialogue open.  If he doesn't want to discuss it then let it go.  But always make sure that he knows that you support him and will continue to be there for him.  It is not an easy problem to deal with.  It is a tragic experience when anyone has a parent who cannot freely love them.  Most of us here know that experience and have paid dearly but in your son's case he has a mother who understands and who cares and you can make a real difference for him.  He is truly fortunate to have you as his mother.