Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Emasculating insecure Dads

(1/4) > >>

Spirit:
Well not many men around here but still I wanted to talk about this effect.. cos I felt like shouting out loud !!

First of all I think 'dehumanising' is a better term to 'emasculating' but some how ( sadly) due to cultural norms many a man see insecurity as 'un manly' ( women don't call it defeminising do they ) But I suppose so I will go along with the word 'emasculating' cos after all thats how I think my dad saw it and forced me to see it !

He has the habit of hiding behind " your mother" s cloak to come out with insecure feelings and even had the nerve to term it " sadly that is feminity" and humiliate his wife even publicly for being what he called "feminity"
He even felt a bit intimidated by me I suppose.. cos hew would gladly group me along with my mom.. and call " you both are soft " and the reason for it being " your mother being a woman couldnt help but make you feel soft and cowardly " and even manage to put himself as a hero " despite my hardest efforts your mom has made you soft "

Its not her. She was never there for me. She was emotionally dead even before I was born.. to see who killed her emotions would be like doing post mortem.. but I am sure he would have had a share !

So who was this invisible mom ? It was him !! A man who couldnt bring himself up to showing emotions " cos it was going soft " for him i suppose. And a man who was so ashamed and insecure oh himself that he treid to hide me and his wife in a closet so that his shame would die with it !

Emulating him, growing up following the 'truths' he told me, i never had much breathing space t oshow emotions did i ? and that too when there was no woman in the family ( only a walking zombie )

Times are changing now.. slowly I am trying to give myself more flexibility.. atleast I am identifying truth from lies.. baby steps !

Spirit

Tokyojim:
Your father sounds like a cold man who tried to belittle others in order to make himself feel more powerful.

For yourself, I do not think you shoud think in terms of maleness and femaleness (i.e., masculinity and feminity).  Our modern culture has forced those terms on men, and women have given us conflicting messages.  Despite what women say about wanting men to show feelings, a recent survey has shown that women do not like men to cry, to show emotions, and they want men to be in control of themselves and situations.  Forget what the feminists write; that is the truth of the matter.

People like your father will use these terms and ideas to control and exert power.  You have your feelings, and it makes no difference if they seem feminine or masculine.  You are what you are, and your father should respect that.

Anonymous:
Hi Jim, thanks for your reply.


--- Quote ---Your father sounds like a cold man who tried to belittle others in order to make himself feel more powerful.[/unquote]

I think 'not owning up' as a better word to describe him. Infact he is very sensitive and frightened of life big time. He always fears for his life etc. But he cant own up and would claim that it is my mom who is always worried and sensitive. Thats what I meant by 'hiding behind her'

He also portrays me as a 'weakling' and 'vulnerable' so that he can 'use' me to express some childish or tender feelings which otherwise he is ashamed to own up for himself for fear of being termed 'sissy' or childish or whatever. Infact here I wish he would listen to the feminists and own up !

Cold is a word I would gladly use to describe my mom though





--- Quote ---
For yourself, I do not think you shoud think in terms of maleness and femaleness (i.e., masculinity and feminity).  Our modern culture has forced those terms on men, and women have given us conflicting messages.  Despite what women say about wanting men to show feelings, a recent survey has shown that women do not like men to cry, to show emotions, and they want men to be in control of themselves and situations.  Forget what the feminists write; that is the truth of the matter.[/unquote]

Well I am not distinguishing feelings in terms of malenes or femaleness. I was merely highlighting the limitations that was imposed within that 'malesness' cloak by my dad who obviously looks things that way ( same goes to my mom too ) What I mean by emotions is the continous spectrum.

For a man "to be in control of themselves and situations" very definitely involves getting in control of feeling ( the continuous spectrum) and master them too isnt it ?  For that I won't mind crying for start ( greiving.. learning tears ) no point in hiding away from it. Thats becoming couragious for me..path to empowerment ! not going soft.

I think emotionally empowered man is the term you were looking for and I do fully agree with that ! I am sure women who are not intimidated my emotionally mature man would love it too !

spirit
--- End quote ---

--- End quote ---

Tokyojim:
I have never heard of the term, "emotionally empowered man," but it sounds like you are on the right track!

mrt:
Spirit,


--- Quote --- you both are soft
--- End quote ---

When it all boils down  -  this is really just his opinion. Nothing he said or says makes it true in any way.  Did you ask for his opinion?

I've come to the conclusion after 39+years of being a guy  - that hey I'm a guy too. Whatever I "feel" (fill in the blank)  is what a guy feels - 'cause I'm a guy- This is what the good Lord made me! I'm a human being and we all "feel" things anyway. Labeling them doesn't help us in anyway. Soft or tough weak or strong. It's all someone's opinion isn't it.  Logic tells me that I'm not alone in how I feel. I'm not the first to feel this way in the history of men and I won't be the last.  

Men hiding under a macho facade is so obvious to me now. I used to think I wasn't "man" enough cause I wasn't as tough enough, masculine enough, blah blah blah. But I've come to realize that WE (men)  all feel this way and WE have the same feelings - some are just better at hiding the truths from themselves than others.

If you are male then you have a right to "feel" whatever it is your feeling whether it's labeled "weak" or "soft"  or whatever. Who really cares what some other's guy's or gal's opinion is of it. Does it change how you "feel"?  "Does it literally make you a female cause you feel this way? Heck no! Some people and their opinions!  :roll:

Be yourself. If others have their opinions and they don't accept you as you are then it's their loss - not yours. You really don't need their toxicity anyway.

Re: Crying - I can cry at some of the stupidest times and laugh at  wrong times. I once saw a girl ,when I was 12, get slapped by a truck mirror and did a 360 degree flip in the air. I thought it was the funniest thing I had ever seen and I laughed my ass off. The girls around me were mortified at my behavior.  Just recently I was watching "Overhauled" on TV and cried like a baby, when they gave this kid his new and improved car because they had done such an incredible and awesome job on this car.
Go figure. I'm a guy. I make no apologies on how I feel when I feel it. I'm not weak I'm not strong. I am what I am and If you don't like it then who gives a sh**!

You need to tell your dad to shut the fu** up AND to keep his "opinions" to himself - cause he's mistaken you for someone who gives sh** what he "thinks"! or something to that effect  :wink:

mrt

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page