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insecurity
write:
things are going well here on the whole, but I wanted to report back that I still suffer from these huge insecurity attacks, where I stop trusting people ( people who love me dearly ) and catastrophise and get into an emotional mess.
It's short-lived, a few hours here and there, but clearly there's stuff still coming out, I'm not quite whole.
I went too many years with no one to trust, no one consistent, and no one to put me first.
It still makes me weep to think of that young me, with no love and living in misery in what I make for mine the safest most supportive environment- so far from my own experience.
I feel better once a friend or my ex step in and remind me of all the good stuff and tell me to go easy on myself; but there's a part of me which is so messed up. It feels like that fragile part was smashed when I was a very young child, and there's no way to repair or rebuild it, so I built around it, but it's still there at the centre of me, all splintered and raw, and the strangest things reach in to it...
Having lots of happy times in between the anxiety attacks though.
H said tonight we're the best we've been in a decade- separate and together, and he's right.
He told me he's enjoying discovering himself, now the ads take the edge off the pain.
I'm enjoying him too, he's so much fun, and it's so totally new to have him be able to be himself: with faults, but always trying.
I love him dearly, the difference is now I set my own personal boundaries and love does not sway them;
interestingly, he's learning to do the same, and many things I always got my own way in ( often from the moral high ground! ) are changing too.
Dawning:
Hello write. Good to hear from you again.
--- Quote ---I still suffer from these huge insecurity attacks, where I stop trusting people ( people who love me dearly ) and catastrophise and get into an emotional mess.
--- End quote ---
Sounds like you are still on the path to self-discovery and there aint nothing wrong with that path.
--- Quote ---It still makes me weep to think of that young me
--- End quote ---
Me too. I turn mine into a ritual with candles and incense and healing music. And treat my weeping-self to a bubble-bath. Sometimes the tears fall onto the bubbles and then- woosh - the inner child emerges for a time and we commune. For me, weeping is a portal into the fragile part and an opportunity to heal slowly but surely. Hmmm...I get angry too sometimes and then the bubble-bath has to wait. :wink:
I believe it was you who validated some of my first postings on this board as my birthday was encroaching and N stuff was out in full force. Birthday came and went and, boy, am I glad. The good news is that I spent it with people. Your words - short and sweet as well as that goal-setting site (that I printed out) really has been a big help to me. Thanks.
--- Quote ---It feels like that fragile part was smashed when I was a very young child, and there's no way to repair or rebuild it, so I built around it, but it's still there at the centre of me, all splintered and raw, and the strangest things reach in to it...
--- End quote ---
Hey, I am glad that not everything reaches into it. Whatever those strange things are, could they be turned into a vehicle for rebuilding the wholeness? Just putting some things out.
I just got this thought to recommend a book to you. It is called Women Who Run With The Wolves. I re-read parts of it often and find it to be incredibly healing. It makes me weep but in a good way.
I am glad to hear you are having lots of happy times too. :)
write:
thanks Dawning.
So much has changed, I guess I haven't fully caught up yet.
This is the first time I am a real grown-up, fully in charge of my own life, able to make good decisions.
I turn mine into a ritual with candles and incense and healing music. And treat my weeping-self to a bubble-bath. Sometimes the tears fall onto the bubbles and then- woosh - the inner child emerges for a time and we commune. For me, weeping is a portal into the fragile part and an opportunity to heal slowly but surely
ok I'll try this too,
'go out to meet' my grief.
I'll buy myself some nice candles and scented stuff and whenever I feel this way it'll be a special way to treat myself gently and take care of that unnurtured baby inside me.
It's interesting, my mother left us crying as babies, she said eventually we stopped crying altogether.
'Maternal deprivation' John Bowlby called it...
I wonder if this, the deepest trauma, doesn't go back to then.
i find myself thinking about this over and over lately.
I'll look for the book.
Thanks Dawning, you gave me a lot to think about.
Dawning:
Write,
About the book:
I found a link to some of the author's quotes at http://www.healingspacecoaching.com/estes.html awhile back and saved it. I don't know anything about the person who put up the page or why he/she selected these quotes but I thought there were some good ones in there, especially at and towards the bottom of the page. The person who made the page put her own coments in italics.
The author of the book is Clarissa Pinkola Estes. She is a Jungian psychologist/storyteller. Amazon carries alot of her stuff too.
write:
the connectedness of life is amazing isn't it.
A few weeks ago I spontaneously thought: there are some answers for me in Jungian psychology, though he's a writer I don't usually like because of his division of the sexes.
But reading I was so conscious of the absence of 'animus' in the way I see myself...I'll order the book today.
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