Hello (((((Life is Precious)))))
Your struggle to save your life and for your recovery have greatly inspired me. You have put words where I have only known feelings and I think that you truly have a great gift that will aid those who are recovering from profoundly abusive childhoods, and there are not that many who can do this I believe. You are able to reach a very deep place in peoples hearts, you are unique and I consider it a great honour to have been given the opportunity to read about your life and meet you.
My own story is also one of extreme emotional abuse in childhood made worse by mercury poisoning which meant that my mind was unable to function properly, and the result of all of this has been that I spent 39 years married to two abusive husbands with addiction problems, the last one, from whom I have been separated for 4 years, caused a great deal of psychological harm.
One of the problems in recovering from the abuse from my mother, was that, as a Christian I felt deep down that God wanted me to reconcile with her even if she did not change Recently I have been freed from that idea and know now that He does not want us to be in an unsafe place and suffer abuse and just as we should take care to preserve our physical bodies from harm, because they are important and valuable but that they also house the Holy Spirit if we belong to Him. I consider it my duty now to protect myself from psychological harm and to remove myself from the members of my family who harm me. My instinct to get a away from them was not disobedience to God, it was a good and natural warning. To break the tie, is now as I see it, even scriptural.
She has been dead for a year now, and her death did bring me great relief, but I do wish I had broken contact years before. One of the things that used to concern me was, that I was afraid that I would cause her embarrassment from people who discovered that I wanted to have nothing to do with her. This was out of my loyalty to her and my desire not to cause harm to others.
God wanted me to love her yes and wish her no harm, but she did not deserve to have my protection like this. I should have walked away. I regret that but in the last few years God did a wonderful thing with me when I was at a Christian healing conference and a kindly motherly aged woman took pity on me (I was ill at the time) and looked after me and gave me for two days, the mothering I had never had. Just those two days really healed something for me and I was able to go on and accept my own mother for who she was, and stop hoping that one day she would love me.
Since she died though she has had her final thrust at me as she did not write a proper will although I asked her to, and it caused me a great deal of work and stress, and to finish it all, I found that one of her nieces had stolen most of her money and she must have known it was disappearing - but this is by the by but goes to show that they can still harm us in death..
During my own recovery, it was necessary for God to allow unbearable pain to burn out something in me that would keep me chained in my life, and perhaps this is something that is happening to you. For me it has been a great longing to feel that I belong somewhere. This need has been unfulfilled through my childhood as I was the outcast (my siblings each being the favourite of each parent) and rejected and labelled as the black sheep (I was the white one actually in a family of black sheep) This longing made me attach myself where it was not safe to be attached and it has been necessary to have it burned out and the process has been very painful indeed, but God has succeeded! I have peace and deliverence in this area. I have also had to have the longing for the love of others burned out also. These needs are to met in Christ alone especially for those who are in a spiritual warfare in their ministry for others, to gain the freedom for them which they received themselves. To be in this battle one must be very strong and of good courage.
For 4 years this long hard lesson has been taught, and I despaired of life and gave up at one point, but when we belong to Him we can rest in His healing all we need to do is trust Him. I feel foolish for not doing this. Instead, due to my childhood, I always revert to solving problems myself and using my own understanding. This is not what He wants. I now have my harp in my hands again and able to sing praises!
Now I have many memories coming back and it is painful, but I am more able to bear the waves as they come crashing as my feet are more firmly rooted on the rock which is Christ
You said earlier that you believe that we can reach a place where we are healed. I believe this entirely also sister. There will come the dawn and joy will break out.
But the pain has to be gone through for now to get us to that point. It is the place where He is leading us and longs to bring to us.
Together we can help each other arrive.
Mati
xxx
