Hello! I've been in therapy with my mother for over one year. Basically, the therapist has been turning up the heat on her lately on how she is totally wrong, etc. re: her perceptions and treatments of me from early childhood to today (she's like every mom I read about on the board, very typical). My mom called him and myself delusional etc. at the last session 2 weeks ago because we were "out of touch with reality" (he is a famous LA author/professor, etc. of psych and not a nutjob). He stated to us that my sharing (I've gotten real honest in there) was hitting deep nerves in her, and that is why she is protesting so much. I worked on that with my own therapist, who is someone else.
Meanwhile, I am getting married on the 23rd of May and just received this note in the mail: Dear - It seems that therapy is not working out for us anymore and the sessions are cancelled. Please contact me when you feel ready and we can work out other options to be together. Call me to let me know if I am invited to your wedding. Love- Mum. WTF???? This is such a power play!!! If I call her, she feels vindicated. If I don't, same thing. Plus, I don't want to have to be in a position of thinking about how she feels at all, but I'm having trouble detatching from this action because the timing is so sick.
To follow up, I figured I need to process this and go to my therapist and sit with it for a while before responding. Lo and behold, she calls me the same day (I didn't expect this as she never calls after prior boundary work) to see if I received the note. I said yes, was honest about how sick I thought this was due to the timing etc. but that I was trying to be gracious, that she needed help etc., and explained that she can come to the wedding and I am not ready to look beyond that point right now. As of this second, here is what is happening for me:
My dad had called recently asking what I'd like as a gift from his family. I deferred and asked him to give to charity, etc. Although I do like this idea, I realized that I have been so shamed by my mother re: celebrating myself that it shut me down when the question was presented, as if there was something wrong with me for acceping a gift or being the focus of attention or celebration. My modesty is real, but at that moment, it was coming from a FALSE SELF.
This has made me very sad and I'm so pissed I kind of don't want her to go to the wedding. It would feel like a dishonor of myself. However, I'm torn because I don't want to be suckered. To shut her out, which is what she set me up to do, also dishonors my new strengths that I have gained over time in therapy re: standing up to her bullshit.
Given this conundrum, whether or not she's there, she's there, you know? She has kind of set it up that way through this action/glaring statement.
All in all, it feels like a "check mate" from her and terribly vicious, but I don't want to get caught in mental games. I am disgusted, and should explain that the wedding was "parents only" per my husband's strong request (a big reception is in NY later this summer).
So, what would you do with this? I'm feeling really disappointed. Its never been this bad or blatant and is some kind of end game by her, I guess....Thanks in advance. I need help!!!
