need help- what would you do with this?

[ellen]

Hello! I've been in therapy with my mother for over one year. Basically, the therapist has been turning up the heat on her lately on how she is totally wrong, etc. re: her perceptions and treatments of me from early childhood to today (she's like every mom I read about on the board, very typical). My mom called him and myself delusional etc. at the last session 2 weeks ago because we were "out of touch with reality" (he is a famous LA author/professor, etc. of psych and not a nutjob). He stated to us that my sharing (I've gotten real honest in there) was hitting deep nerves in her, and that is why she is protesting so much. I worked on that with my own therapist, who is someone else.

Meanwhile, I am getting married on the 23rd of May and just received this note in the mail: Dear - It seems that therapy is not working out for us anymore and the sessions are cancelled. Please contact me when you feel ready and we can work out other options to be together. Call me to let me know if I am invited to your wedding. Love- Mum. WTF???? This is such a power play!!! If I call her, she feels vindicated. If I don't, same thing. Plus, I don't want to have to be in a position of thinking about how she feels at all, but I'm having trouble detatching from this action because the timing is so sick.

To follow up, I figured I need to process this and go to my therapist and sit with it for a while before responding. Lo and behold, she calls me the same day (I didn't expect this as she never calls after prior boundary work)  to see if I received the note. I said yes, was honest about how sick I thought this was due to the timing etc. but that I was trying to be gracious, that she needed help etc., and explained that she can come to the wedding and I am not ready to look beyond that point right now. As of this second, here is what is happening for me:

My dad had called recently asking what I'd like as a gift from his family. I deferred and asked him to give to charity, etc. Although I do like this idea, I realized that I have been so shamed by my mother re: celebrating myself that it shut me down when the question was presented, as if there was something wrong with me for acceping a gift or being the focus of attention or celebration. My modesty is real, but at that moment, it was coming from a FALSE SELF.

This has made me very sad and I'm so pissed I kind of don't want her to go to the wedding. It would feel like a dishonor of myself. However, I'm torn because I don't want  to be suckered. To shut her out, which is what she set me up to do, also dishonors my new strengths that I have gained over time in therapy re: standing up to her bullshit.

Given this conundrum, whether or not she's there, she's there, you know? She has kind of set it up that way through this action/glaring statement.

All in all, it feels like a "check mate" from her and terribly vicious, but I don't want to get caught in mental games. I am disgusted, and should explain that the wedding was "parents only" per my husband's strong request (a big reception is in NY later this summer).

So, what would you do with this? I'm feeling really disappointed. Its never been this bad or blatant and is some kind of end game by her, I guess....Thanks in advance. I need help!!!

[Anonymous]

i wouldn't let her wiggle out of the therapy thing.  if she's uncomfortable with the therapist, then she can find another one.  i would set limits that if she wants a relationship, the therapy must continue.  you've already gotten further with your mom than i have with mine, so don't give up now
!  as far as the wedding...do what makes YOU happy.  if she's going to ruin your day, tell her not to come.  if it'll ruin your day if she's not there, then tell her to come.  but, screw being gracious!!!  my mother didn't come to my wedding and believe me, I had plenty of fun without her.  she would have just made everything tense with her garbage anyway.  i'm sure that she called you so soon after the note because she wanted you to not have time to talk with your therapist and be feeling a bit off centered.  they're very shrewd, aren't they?!  she's the one that's drawing the line in the sand, not you, remember that.  the important thing is:  you're getting married!!  good for you!  what does he have to say about all of this?  my mother used the wedding as a power play; they know how hard it is for us.  get mad, girl!  she's supposed to be supporting you through all this, not making it more difficult!

as far as your dad goes, call him and tell him you've changed your mind.  he's your dad, you're allowed to do that.

[Anonymous]

Ellen,

Here are my thoughts:

(1) Mentally separate your wedding and the  therapy with your mom for a moment. The real drama is that she cancelled the couples sessions. She's trying to link this with your wedding and create a distraction. She has thus far succeeded.

(2) Your mother and the therapist need to work out their problem.  The therapist seemed to TAKE SIDES -- even you noticed it -- and this was an error on his part. All he's going to accomplish is driving your mom away. The two of them have a problem and they aren't working it out. Instead, your mom is distracting herself by creating a melodrama about your wedding.

(3) I would leave the wedding invitation alone for now. Please talk to both of your therapists asap. I would urge the couples therapist to CALL YOUR MOTHER and try to get her to come back. Don't try to talk to your mother about your wedding, or anything else, unless she comes to the therapist. Then talk about it there.

(4) Call your father and tell him you were very upset when he asked you about a wedding gift. You've thought more about it, and you would really like XYZ as a gift.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Ellen -- I assume from your post that before your mother called to say she'd cancelled the therapy sessions, you were planning to have her at the wedding. If so, it's obvious she's trying to manipulate you. She's cancelling the sessions and then implying that she knows she's done something you won't like, and if you invite her to the wedding anyway, she'll have "won" (i.e. gotten away with her bad behavior).

This is childish behavior on her part, and I think you did the right thing in not falling into her trap and reacting with anger.  Since the wedding is next week, the truth is that whether or not she attends is pretty much irrelevant to how your relationship works out in the long term. As Bunny has pointed out, the real issue here is whether or not she will continue with the therapy, and it does sound, as Bunny also says, that the therapist, by taking sides, has given her an excuse to quit. That needs to be worked out.

From the way you describe her, this type of behavior is nothing new. Presumably you were planning to have her at the wedding even after she called you and the therapist delusional two weeks ago, so really not much has changed.  Remind yourself that this tactic is just one incident in a lifetime of behavior you're trying to deal with. See your therapist if you can, but otherwise just focus on making the wedding a celebration you and your husband can remember with pleasure. The rest of it can wait until later. Remember, you can't control your mother's behavior -- you can only control yours. Do what will make you happy.

I also agree with Bunny and Guest that it's okay to tell your Dad you've changed your mind about the gift.  

Best wishes for your wedding --

Morgan

[ellen]

Thanks you guys. Amazing advice! I couldn't even see straight last night because the whole thing triggered a lot of grief. What had shocked me the most was falling back into the false self behavior so unconsciously, despite the work I have done. I know its a part of the process, but its really tough to acknowledge the child part of me that still pops up once in a while and does want unrealistic love. Anyway, you all are dead on, and they are separate issues. It sucks being blindsided. Thank God that I found this board.