Angry with my son

[axa]

Feeling very sad.  My son called me last week and said that he would come to see me today.  It is a huge trip and I was really touched.  We had had a conversation before I moved about how I feel he does not take my feelings into account and how disappointed I am about that.  I seem to end up disappointed with him so often.  He talks the talk but there is little follow through.

I spoke to him yesterday, he was breaking the journey and staying with his cousins last night and told me he would call to let me know what time he would be arriving at.  I have heard nothing since then.  Spent the day hanging around waiting for the call.  I tried calling him and cannot get through on his phone.

I am angry and sad.  I feel if I ever believe what he says to me I just set myself up for disappointment.  I have sent him a text message and heard nothing.  My guess is that he went out on the town with his cousins and is probably still in bed. 

Part of me wants to cut off from him and save myself this pain.  It is always the same old story with him.  He can be so sweet when he feels like it.  I feel like I get the crumbs from him and am wondering if I am willing to accept them any longer.  I feel like every male in my life has been selfish and self centred and I have added another one to the world.

Axa

[Ami]

Dear Axa,
  I hear so much pain in your post---old and new pain. I am so, very,very sorry, dear.
  I wish that I could do something to help.I send you  a cyberspace hug and a hot cup of tea. I wish it could be in real life.   Love    Ami
(((((((((((((((((((((((Axa)))))))))))))))))))))))))

[axa]

Thanks Ami,

Just got a text from him saying that he would be up here at 7.30 but needs to leave early in the morning.  Don't know why he bothered.  I think it is just about ticking the box...... went to visit Mum well that one is done.  Really pisses me off.

Axa

[Ami]

Dear Axa,
  Would you consider just calling him and being really honest about the whole thing.? Maybe,it would start  a new level of closeness in the relationship. Just a thought. Compost what doesn't fit .     Love    Ami

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((((axa)))))))))))))

I am so sorry. I wish you could have had some nice time with your son. How old is her again? It definitely seems he is still immature and does not take your feelings into account at all.

Can I come visit???

Love, Beth

[axa]

Beth,

Anytime,  I do think he is extremely immature, he is 23!  Got another text from him he missed the bus and is coming on a later bus, which means that he will be here for about 10 hours, most of which he will sleep through.  I have talked to him on a number of occasions about how I feel but he just does not hear me and gets defensive.  It is such bloody hard work.  I try and detach and expect little but at some level I allow myself be set up by him.  I know how he is and always expect something from him that he does not have to give.  He is very defended and shut down emotionally.  He can be very sweet but does not want to engage at any emotional level. 

He has had very few girlfriends, has lots of friends but I think even having a girlfriend may be an emotional bridge too far from him.  He is very cute looking and smart.

Oh calming down here but sick of being so bloody understanding.

Axa

[Ami]

Dear Axa,
  It is really hard when there are many levels of hurt on both sides. Sometimes it feels like too big a mountain to climb.It is really,really hard to unravel many years of pain and "shutting down"on one or both sides.
  I am sorry that it is so painful   .(((((((((((((((Axa))))))))))))))                              Love   Ami

[sunblue]

Axa:

I'm so very sorry your son disappointed you again!  That is just so painful.  I think one of the hardest things is to have expectations of someone you care about (even reasonable expectations) and not have those expectations met.  It is even harder not to have those expectations and to just accept whatever comes.  I know it would be tempting to just say, "hey, don't bother coming over.  It's not worth it"  Because in effect his rude behavior and the disappointment has probably kind of ruined the visit anyway, I would think.

It could be because he's young (still no excuse).  IT could be because he's selfish (definitely no excuse).  But in my book, nothing justifies that treatment of you.  Why could he spend all that time with his cousins but not with his mother?  I've come to accept that people make time for the people and activities that are important to them.  He could have and should have made the time for you.

Maybe he is just so used to you always being there for him, waiting on his every call and visit.  What would happen if you didn't make it so easy for him?  I know that's easier to say than do.  When you want so much a relationship with someone, you are willing to make all kinds of accommodations.

I think you should definitely know that his behavior was unacceptable.  That it was rude of him to not call you and let you know at the very last minute when he would come by.  He wouldn't treat his cousins or his friends that way, I bet.

Either way, it is disappointing and painful.  Only you know the character of your son.  Is this behavior unusual for him or typical?  If it's typical, I think you really need to lay down some boundaries and let him know what you think is acceptable and not.  It doesn't mean he'll change.  It just means he'll know he can't walk all over you and at the very least, he has to respect that.

Please take special care of yourself and try not to let this disappointment get you down.

[isittoolate]

(((((((((((((((axa))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry that your son had disappointed you.

There is "always taking Mom for granted, knowing she will always love me" and "Home is when you go there they gotta take you in."

But he has been disrespectful to you in not following through with the original plan, making changes along the way, and throwing you off balance, not knowing what to expect next.

I never had a 23 year old son, so I have no expereince there and by the time my daughter was 23 she was married and a mother, but she was showing me some disrespect that she picked up from her N husband. It hurts and 23 is old enough to know better. I let it go becasue I couldn't deal with the onslaughts from her husband. I ought not have let it go! Maybe she and I would still have a relationship.

Perhaps he requires some motherly advice, talking to, a whup upside the head kinda words???? Nip this in the bud?
Good Luck

Love
Izzy




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[Ami]

I wanted to add a different perspective to the cultural differences on time(and as it relates to the larger issue of respect). Maria is Dominican and has the same thing about time.I ,personally, can't deal with it.I told her that if she wants to make plans with me( any plans), she has to be there at the time or I won't make any plans.
  I don't like it and I won't go anyplace or do anything with someone who does not have my cultural  concept of time(give or take a little)
  So, she modified herself to me.
   Axa, I think that these types of "boundaries" are very personal. They have to be set from the 'inside out" .What is fine for one person is a deal breaker for another----in anything.
   I think that you have to define what is acceptable for you in your relationship with your S. There is no one answer .It is what you feel respects you and that you can live with.The person may or may not like it,but that is secondary.
  It is very hard for us when the person doesn't "like it."
    I still feel kind of bad that I spoke up about the money to Maria. However, the alternative was worst------not respecting myself.
  Human relationships are hard.A relationship with ourselves is the hardest. I think that the answer lies in if we value ourselves and how much-------BLEH                                                                Love,                 Ami

[lighter]

Gosh, Axa...... right now I wish you could say a few words that make him feel guilty for treating you this way so he'll think twice in the future and be respectful.

But..... alas..... I also think guilt sucks and that young people do stupid things because.....

well.....

their young.

At least he wants to come and see you.

At least he plans to.

At least he gets on the bus, even if it's late.

So.... not much help but he's healthy and loves you and has lessons to learn, like most young people, not just sons: /


So sorry you're feeling upset, hope things calm down and you can talk to him about it. 

[Hopalong]

Dear Axa,
I can utterly relate to how you're feeling.
Until very very recently (and she just turned 27) I went through the same thing with my daughter, over and over, in large ways and small. I got so I felt her word meant nothing, and that was a terrible way to think.

But it's better now. The biggest change was time. The other was me. I pulled back and demanded of myself that I not need her approval or acceptance or affection in order to be happy. I allowed myself to be angry at her, and allowed her to be angry at me.

Now I miss her sometimes, but not in the way I used to. I can tell that she's growing up. And without me controlling it or guiding it. I've done my part. The rest is gravy.

Now I'm trying to see any time with her at all, as gravy. I think I spoiled her in ways, suffocated her in ways, and needed her too much. So her differentiating has been a wrenching process. Deep down, though, I know it's been necessary.

I've gotten more interested in my own life. And that's been an excellent development. It's really up to her now, whether she continues her adulthood as a selfish or a considerate person. She can be either. Is both.

But if something isn't okay with me, it's okay with me to say so. Generally though, I can't plan around her, and won't for a long time, I think. Part of it may be generational, part of it passive-aggressive stuff. Doesn't really matter though.

I wonder if you're needing him more than usual because you just moved, and you're more isolated than usual because you're in a new place, so any evidence of connection would mean so very much to you right now. Whereas for most 23 y/os...it's nice and all, and of course he loves you, but it's just another visit with mom.

(((((((((((((((Axa))))))))))) as everybody said, time will change this. Meanwhile, you're going to not be so hurt by it, I think, as you get involved more in your own life. You've been a good mother, and he has to make his mistakes and learn his own lessons (including having people he's close to get mad at him now and then).

love
Hops

[Bella_French]

Dear Axa,

Most guys I know who are really nice people (as opposed to the selfish ones) , are not that into their mother's feelings at 23. Perhaps that is healthy, in a way, because technically its not really a son's role to meet his mother's emotional needs, such as her lonliness and her emotional struggle with having an empty nest. A lot of those needs are the role of his mother's partner, and when a son feels the that the line has been crossed, he will back off to protect himself from unhealthy enmeshment.

But I know 2 young men who do spend a lot of time with their mothers, and one who even likes to travel abroad with her. I think what makes those relationships strong is the mothers, more than anything special bout the sons. The mothers seem to have full lives and are not lonely, so I suppose their emotional demands from their sons are minimal.

I am sorry if this comes across as  bit harsh, but in your case Axa, i think you are a such an interesting person that your son would enjoy being around and having a friendship with. The only thing I can think of thats `blocking' that would be something emotional, because its so terribly common.

X bella

[axa]

Thank you all for your most helpful advice and also for giving me a place to vent really needed it!

I had a lovely evening with my son, we ate dinner and drank some wine.  I explained to him how anxious and unhappy I am around the way he deals with making arrangements with me.  He listened and said the he would take on board what I thought so I will take him at his word but not invest too much hope at the same time.  He brought up the subject of Xn's daughter. I told him I was not in a position to tell him who to be friends with but I would not trust her.  He really did not want to go into it, his attitude was that you and her dad were together and it did not work out that has nothing to do with us.  I clarified this and said that she had she had been very abusive to me in her own right so it is not about her dad and me.  I am not sure how he took this other than saying can we change the subject.

Other than that we had a good evening and it was lovely to see him.  He is so smart on so many levels and I forget that.  He seems happy in himself and that pleases me.  He works long hours and has lots of friends, he really is a nice kid.

CB

Very interesting your post.  The part about looking at yourself and having the dialogue with yourself is so interesting.  I know this but forget it a lot of the time.  It really is about changing ourselves isn't it.  Oh the work continues.

Thank you all so much for your imput.  I just knew you guys would be there LOVE YAS ALL

Axa