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What to do, what to do?????

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Learning:
Hi Folks!

My mom sent me a short email today requesting to visit her grandchildren.  It was such a nice, simple email.  Nothing there to get upset about.  Should I let her come????  I don't want her here...but I do want her here.  I want a mother who really loves me to come and visit me and my kids.  Maybe I am wrong about her.  Maybe she is just a victim like me in all of this.  Maybe I can have a relationship with her.  Then voice #2 comes in...but what about how mad you have been at her???  Now I can't remember exactly why...all I can think is that her best friend in the whole world is my Nfather...and about him I have no doubt!  Is it possible for her to love me when she seems to care more for him than her offspring???  Oh she would deny that with a vengeance.  S**t, I hate this.  I wish I could just feel certain about what the heck I'm suppose to do.  I wish I just knew what really is or isn't?  

Crap, the tightness in my chest is returning.  I knew she would be back, but of course I still am not prepared.  

I hope you all understand my craziness and will not feel offended.  I just don't know where else to vent.

Michelle:
Hi Learning!  

We never give up hope do we?  I went round and round with this at my counseling session yesterday.  She said the key to my freedom will be when I stop "admitting" the problems that my mom has and start "accepting" them as fact.  I am like you in a lot of ways.  When I get the smallest amount of "normalcy" or "kindness" from her I feel like that is a sign that things will get better.  The hurt, damaged, desperate kid in us is just waiting for things to get better.  They are just hoping and praying that one day we will wake up to a "good" mother.  

In my case this is not going to happen.  My mother has taken every effort I have given her and crapped on it.  Basically she has said, bottom line, "my way or the highway" in different words than those.  Well, I care about myself and PARTICULARLY my family (hubby, kids) too much to let that happen.  She has done nothing but hurt me over and over again.  The patterns are there right before my eyes - it is just time for me to admit them and see them for what they are - hopeless.  

I hope that things can be different for you, Learning.  I know it hurts and I know it SHOULD be different.  But I also know how conniving and manipulative these people can be.  So I pray that you will be realistic and not let your hopes get the best of you.  Stay strong for your children.  

I went back to a previous post by you and found this clip:


--- Quote ---I moved 300 miles away from my parents in 1989. I did this to get away from all of the drama. Yet, every visit they have ever made my internal feelings have been the same. First I am elated that they are planning to come, I can't wait to share with them what is going on in my life. Then, about 5 days before their arrival, I begin to stress. My body is exhausted, my back is in knots and often I catch a cold. Once they are here, I am miserable. I don't even know if they are that negative towards me most of the time. But it doesn't matter, I still am a emotional wreck while they are here. I guess I am finally starting to realize that I am allowed to just accept my body signals as reason enough not to visit with them.
--- End quote ---


I found this interesting because in your post today you said


--- Quote ---Crap, the tightness in my chest is returning.
--- End quote ---


Just an insight.  You need to make the best decision for you and your family.  If you make the wrong decision and get mad at yourself in hindsight, we will be here to support you.  We have all done just that.  

Take care of yourself and I will be sending you peaceful thoughts for wise decisions.

michelle

Portia:
Hi Learning, look what a panic a simple email put you in. That isn't right is it? That doesn't feel good?

I control when and how I contact my mother. And that's okay. So - take her request and consider it calmly, take your time.

I bet it wasn't a simple email though, with my cynical mind. I bet there's some little manipulation in there! Want to share it?

Hey why would any of us be offended??? We're with you! We understand your panic, well I do for sure. I understand those conflicting thoughts - maybe she's okay 'really' maybe I've been wrong all along....because all the time I STILL want her to love me. It's okay, that's normal, it means you're human, hooray! And not crazy.

I would say your first obligation is to your children. Would they like her to visit, would they benefit? Answer that first, then ask if YOU would like it, would you benefit? Then consider your mother.

And if you decide yes, you also decide when, where and how long for...etc etc..maybe decide on an external thing, maybe amongst other people? Whatever you would feel most comfortable with. Or if no, well there's nothing wrong with the odd white lie here and there - we all get migraines, stomach upsets or even have too much too do - so put her off, you would like to but no, not right now.

What do you think? P

Anonymous:
Hi Learning,

I have to admit that MY alarm bells went off when I read your note.  I'm glad Michelle "mirrored" your experience in her reply.  I thought, yeah, that's why the bells are going off!

Your hope and self-doubt are very, very familiar feelings.  My H calls me a "moth to the flame" when I start talking like this.  I went through this stage for a very long time, that is, hoping for change.  Ns use this hope.  They say anything to get what they want.  If you resist the line that worked before, they find a new one that works.  

I saw this when my enabling brother talked to me on behalf of his PSYCHO wife.  He pulled out the stops.  When one line didn't work, he pulled out another one and another one like index cards out of his pocket.  "Lessee here.  I gotta have one that will work..."  That conversation was the end.  We didn't argue.  I just finally saw what was going on for what it REALLY was and told him Good Luck, she wins, see you later.  I.e. find someone else to play with.  

Then I went on to mourning the loss of my relationship with my brother.  It was painful to realize I had him all wrong as well as his wife.  I was holding onto a fantasy.  But I am much happier now that I subtracted all that drama out of my life!  I can stop reacting to them and act on my own behalf for my goals.

Now, if you are ready, you have to find the strength to say NO.  If you don't have the strength yet, I support Portia's suggestion to meet at a place you can leave if things go awry (vs. asking her to leave your home.)  Maybe ask yourself which is harder: saying no or going through another visit.  It's okay to be "selfish" if it means protecting yourself.  This isn't your fault that you have to be so suspicious.  You would trust them if they were trustworthy.  But it is important to trust yourself.

One last thing.  Just because the Ns in your life haven't committed any crime recently doesn't mean the pattern of behavior has changed.  It just means that they haven't had the opportunity.  We can forgive the past, but that doesn't mean we have to give erring people more opportunities in the future to hurt us.  Snakes are not good or bad, they are snakes, doing what snakes do.  A rabbit finds it wise to keep some distance.  

Hope this helps.  Peace, Seeker

Anonymous:
Learning,

It's natural to have a strong ambivalence about your mother. This doesn't mean you should cave in to one extreme or the other. Think about the realistic consequences of her visit, then make your decision. My feeling is, if you let her come, you must at all times be present when she is with the children; i.e., supervise her visit. There is a reason you are trying to protect your children from her. I don't know what the reason is, but I think you should keep doing it.

bunny

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