Journal Exercise: The Victim Role

[tayana]

This is another of my journal exercise, borrowed from the book, "An Adult Child's Guide to What's Normal."

We've been victims of N abuse, and some of us are still stuck in the victim role.  I can say that I have been stuck in this role for  long time, at its heart the victim role is the belief that our lives can't change.  We can't heal.  We don't have power.  The first step to getting out of this role is to admit we are in it.   One side of the role looks helpless, pitiful and powerless, and the other looks powerful, but is really frightened and paranoid.  To identify and help get out of the victim role, try answering these questions.

1.  How did I get hurt when I was a child?
2. How was I used by others as a child?
3.  Who took advantage of me as a child?
4.  Who id not meet my needs when I was a child?
5.  Which of my role models let him or herself be used?
6.  Which of my role models used and abused others?
7.  How did my role models get their needs met?
8.  Was I allowed to have any power in my family when I was a child?
9.  Who do allow into my life today?
10.  Do they respect me?
11.  Do I ask for what I want and need?
12.  When I don't get what I want or need do I have other people in my life who can meet at lease some of my needs?
13.  Am I angry at everyone all the time?
14.  Am I helpless and depressed most of the time?
15.  Do I expect others to read my mind and meet my needs without my having to ask?
16.  Do I feel everyone is against me?  That life isn't fair?

We can choose to get out of this role.  Find new ways to meet your needs, care for yourself and new people, positive people to be around.  As affirmation say, "I choose not to be a victim today."

[Ami]

I just read this,Tayana.It is funny b/c I am JUST coming to the conclusion that I do ,indeed, have hope to come out from my powerless role.
  For me, the key was seeing the core of shame that I had.I realized that it really was simply lies. If I could combat the lies---I coud be well.
Thanks for sharing.I would love to hear more from this book.It sounds good.   Love   Ami

[isittoolate]

I have been reading on other forums and in articles that we ought not to think of ourselves as victims, but survivors.

I sure feel like a survivor, and maybe some of you who are still entangled can think of being a victim, but now the tables are turning so you are reaching out and working toward the name of 'SURVIVOR"!

Love to all
Izzy

[axa]

Izzy,

My thinking has changed also from seeing myself as a victim and now living as a survivor.  Thanks for naming this.

axa

[Leah]

It would be about 3 years ago now, that there was a huge change of thought which resulted in 'victims' no longer being labelled

as victims --- instead they were, and still are, referred to as 'SURVIVORS'

Which in my view, is immensely positive, and also, rewarding for all the sheer hard work and dedication required as a SURVIVOR.

Personally, I tend to prefer 'TARGET' to 'Victim' ......... in line with Tim Field's view in the late 90's (see BullyOnline).

As I am inclined to agree that we were picked out or chosen in the first instance, by the N(s) in our lives.

Love to all,

Leah



Would add that certain 'Survivor' Groups who have given professional presentations at conferences, addressing members of Public Services --- have made an impact, resulting in changes; to policy making, future planning, and the all important support services.

[Ami]

This might sound like a little thing,but it is just how I see it.Once we truly "own" what happened and we can "see" the truth of the abuser and of us(our value)--- the name doesn't matter                                Love   Ami

[tayana]

I'm sorry about the confusion of this exercise.  I didn't mean to offend anyone with the terms.  I did do this exercise, and I'll post my answers if anyone wants to see them. 

The purpose of the exercise, at least for me, was to help identify that I was stuck in the role of being victimized, and that I needed to get out of that role.  I do agree that people like us are survivors, but I think to a degree that we can get caught up in feeling powerless.  To a degree, I think we can become addicted to this role, and it's important to get out of it and on with our lives.  So we can learn to be healthy and functional.

[Leah]

Hi Tayana,

Oh I don't feel that there was any confusion at all --- just empowerment being brought to the table.

Thinking of oneself as a Survivor, who has been a Target (or Victim) of any form of abusive behaviour, is thought to be positively empowering.

Personally, I am positively inclined to wholeheartedly agree.

So, each day, I personally walk my walk along my life journey, with healthy boundaries, as a Survivor --- who in her heart, says NO
to any form of abusive behaviour.

Raising awareness, as a Survivor, can only help bring about change in many forms, make a difference, in society today, however small, and I admire those who engage in public awareness raising.  Powerful stuff!

Can't say that I was ever addicted to the role of 'victim' --- just brainwashed, from a young age, into acceptance of abusive behaviour - as the norm!

Love & Hugs,

Leah

[changing]

I love that song "Survivor"- both the sassy singing and the lyrics  " I'm gonna make it... I'm gonna work harder.."- One day after Bagworm brought the cops over to harass me at my humble abode, I heard that defiant anthem and smiled from the inside out. "I Will Survive" sounds as if the singer is about to cry, so that one doesn't resonate the same way with me (and I find all disco to be strangely humorous).

Survivor
Now that you are out of my life,
I'm so much better
You thought that I'd be weak without ya,
but I'm stronger
You thought that I'd be broke without ya,
but I'm richer
You thought that I'd be sad without ya,
I laugh harder
You thought I wouldn't grow without ya,
now I'm wiser
You thought that I'd be helpless without ya,
but I'm smarter
You thought that I'd be stressed without ya,
but I'm chillin'
You thought I wouldn't sell without ya,
sold 9 million

I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what)
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what)
I'm a survivor (what), I'm gonna make it
(what)
I'm a survivor (what), keep on survivin' (what)

Thought I couldn't breath without ya,
I'm inhalin'
You thought I couldn't see without ya,
perfect vision
You thought I couldn't last without ya,
but I'm lastin'
You thought that I would die without ya,
but I'm livin'
Thought that I would fail without ya,
but I'm on top
Thought that it would be over by now,
but it won't stop
Thought that I would self destruct,
but I'm still here
Even in my years to come,
I'm still gonna be here

I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what)
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what)
I'm a survivor (what), I'm gonna make it
(what)
I'm a survivor (what), keep on survivin' (what)

I'm wishin' you the best,
pray that you are blessed
Much success, no stress, and lots of
happiness
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna blast you on the radio
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna lie on you or yo family, yo
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna hate on you in the magazine
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna compromise my christianity
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gonna diss you on the
internet
('Cause my mama taught me better than that)

I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what)
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what)
I'm a survivor (what), I'm gonna make it
(what)
I'm a survivor (what), keep on survivin' (what)

After all of the darkness and sadness,
soon comes happiness
If I surround myself with positive things,
I'll gain posterity

I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what)
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what)
I'm a survivor (what), I'm gonna make it
(what)
I'm a survivor (what), keep on survivin' (what)

I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what)
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what)
I'm a survivor (what), I'm gonna make it
(what)
I'm a survivor (what), keep on survivin' (what)

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
   I hope that you keep sharing from the book.                                Ami

[tayana]

Ami,  I'll keep sharing.  I haven't done the last couple of exercises, although I want to.  I'm going through it pretty slow, and just doing the exercises that have the most meaning for me at the moment.  I think the next one I'm going to do is the history reenacting itself one.

Changing, I love that song.  I always did. 

Leah, sorry, I think I posted after my excitement last night, so I might have been reading into things that weren't there.  I thought this was a valuable exercise, actually.  It let me see where I lost my power and why, and that alone gives the power to take it back.

Here are my answers for those who were curious:

1.  constant crticism, emotional blackmail, emotional and verbal abuse-- you're lazy, you're starting to get saddlebags, why can't you get as good of grades as Anita or do as good as Anita or why didn't you win that award like your friend.
2.  took care of dad while mom was at work (starting around age 12), cleaned the house, made dinner and cleaned up when mom was at work.
3.  mom and dad
4.  mom and dad
5.  dad
6.  mom
7.  Mom lived through me, encouraged me to do things she wanted, sunday school, pledgees, classes, clothes etc.  I had to have the best greades and get honors or she didn't consider me worth of love.  My interests, reading writing, fantasy, myth, religion were highly discouraged.  "You need to stop living in a fantasy world."  Dad stayed silent.  Sometimes we talked.  Mostly he dreank, read, did yard stuff, left to hunt. Very distant.
8.  No, my choices and opnions were ignored.  I was never told or given any sort of voice.
9.  Michael, Jen, Dave, Joey & Sharon . . . mom and dad?
10.  Yes, to the first 5, no mom and & dad still treat me like I'm 12.
11.  No, asking has never helped
12.  Yes
13.  I'm not all the time, but I'm angrier than I should be.
14.  I'm not helpless, but often depressed.
15.  Yes, I never ask for what I need
16.  No, although I don't feel supported by mom and dad.

Looking at that, I can sort of see how I either gave away my power, or else never really had any power to begin with.