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Nice Narcissist?

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pfuetze:
My mother fits all the characteristics of a narcissist except fo the fact that she truly cares about her family.  She supports us physically, if not emotionally, and I don't think she has a mean bone in her body.  Having said that,  she truly did a lot of damage to me as a kid - she had real boundary issues, as if I were born to be her plaything and something to projects herself onto.  Psychologists have told me that I have symptoms of post-abuse and post-traumatic stress disorder.  They say she made me voiceless - the word that works for me is "obliterated", emotionally.  She does nice stuff for me that she wishes she'd had herself, then she shames me for not sharing it with her (i.e. having boundaries)  and shows off my successes in these areas.  I always owe.  But I am having trouble putting her into the nasty narcissist mode.  Anyone recognize this situation?

Anonymous:
There are plenty of subtle narcissists. Also N mothers who are very "caring" but it's mixed with destructive elements. My mom isn't a classical sadistic N, but she is extremely destructive anyway. I see her as having some good sides to her. Unfortunately she also did a lot of damage. Thank goodness for therapists and meds.

bunny

write:
sounds a lot like my father, and he's borderline pd. rather than n.

Narcissists don't do intimacy, borderlines do then exploit it.

Anonymous:
Your description reminds me of my mother -- she isn't classically nasty, especially now that her children are all grown and aren't making demands on her. She expresses love for us (wants to kiss and hug everyone) and tries to do thoughtful things. But she still tries to invade my boundaries and projects feelings onto me. I'm also very familiar with getting gifts she really wants herself, and being shown off to other people so she can take credit for my successes.

In some cases I think a person who is overtly and publicly "nice" but in fact narcissistic can be even more damaging to their children (especially when the children are young) because it's so hard to identify their behavior as wrong. They can look like the perfect parent, which makes it very hard for the child to grasp that they're being mistreated.


--- Quote ---I don't think she has a mean bone in her body.

Having said that, she truly did a lot of damage to me as a kid - she had real boundary issues, as if I were born to be her plaything and something to projects herself onto.

She does nice stuff for me that she wishes she'd had herself, then she shames me for not sharing it with her (i.e. having boundaries) and shows off my successes in these areas. I always owe.
--- End quote ---


It sounds as though you're saying she isn't mean, but she did/does mean things. It's true that she may not be consciously trying to be mean, but at some level you are what you do (especially when you're dealing with children). If you do destructive things, I'm not sure how much difference it makes that you don't understand you're being destructive.

Morgan

Anonymous:
I'm sorry but I can't relate to the idea of a nice narcissist; my N mother is so mean and at times sadistic I have to classify her behavior as evil at times.  A nice narcisistic Mom would seem lke a breath of fresh air but as these reponses indicate, they are damaging as well.

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