Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Nice Narcissist?

<< < (2/4) > >>

Float:
My father was the same way. Raised us all well and provided for us with all the material items to make sure society knew that he a "class" family. However, as we got older and developed into our own, he never made single effort to get to know us. Growing up he would start in on how we "owed" him and what did we do for him? BTW: I was eight when this started.

mighty mouse:
Hi All.

My Mom can be very nice and sometimes I have a great time with her. But she almost always says something a bit off every time I see her. She is very covert about it. It's the covert ones that really make you crazy. You wonder what is wrong with you.

But all the pieces are falling into place as my awareness increases. I can remember defining moments in my life when I just "knew" something was off. This N thing is sometimes hard to get a handle on. But this board just validates my impressions so much!!!!!!!

It is very difficult growing up never being validated. I was always the peacemaker in my family and tried like hades to get approval but it was always a moving target. I realize my parents had their hands full with 8 kids, but I think they kept having kids because getting older in this type of Nfamily is not good. We were valued when we were young, but at a certain age we seemed to be pretty disposible. Even to this day about the only person my Mom can talk about is her young grand daughter (5 years old). But she has no time for any of the other grand kids (11 others who are too old for her now). I wonder what she'll do when this last one gets older?

Everyone in our family knows my Mom is really not so benign. But gosh she is a clever, covert son of a gun. And she knows exactly right where to hurt you. And then she'll feign niceness and ignorance. I used to do her bidding but got so tired of playing this little game with her that it's now been about a year since I actually talked with her. She knows she doesn't "have" me anymore as N suppy and it's amazing how quick she cut me loose....but then she has my 7 other siblings to manipulate, so I'm not a big loss. I wasn't that great of a supply anyway since I live far away from her (whew that's good for me) and  couldn't do enough for her.

Thanks for letting me vent, folks.

I see a lot of clarity, caring, acceptance, et.al going on here and it makes me know I have found a valuable resource.

Mighty Mouse

Michelle:
Hi pfuetze -

Welcome!  I read your post yesterday but have pondered on it for a little while.  


--- Quote ---My mother fits all the characteristics of a narcissist except for the fact that she truly cares about her family.
--- End quote ---



--- Quote ---She supports us physically, if not emotionally
she truly did a lot of damage to me as a kid - she had real boundary issues, as if I were born to be her plaything and something to projects herself ontoShe does nice stuff for me that she wishes she'd had herself, then she shames me for not sharing it with her (i.e. having boundaries) and shows off my successes in these areas. I always owe.
--- End quote ---


I understand why you may say that your mother is more of a "caring" person than the average narcissist.  She may be more caring than some of our parents on here.  However, the things that you said above contradict what "niceness" means to me.  Emotionally unsupportive, Disrespectful of your boundaries, Projecting herself onto you, Making you feel ashamed, being manipulative and purposeful (by making you feel you always "owe" her)...............those are not descriptions of a "caring" mother.  

I ask this because I am just seeing my own hardships in this same area.....could you possibly have made yourself believe that she is caring when in reality she is not?  I totally understand that mentality, as it has been my "survival thinking" for many many years.  I am just coming to terms with the facts that my mother is as bad as I have always feared.

We are here for you and hope that you will take care of yourself where your mother is concerned.  You have found a great resource!

Michelle

PS - Welcome mighty mouse.  I can totally relate to your story.  I too was the peacemaker in my family.  It is a hard and damaging role to hold.  

--- Quote ---She knows she doesn't "have" me anymore as N suppy and it's amazing how quick she cut me loose....but then she has my 7 other siblings to manipulate, so I'm not a big loss
--- End quote ---

I would disagree with the statement in bold.  I do think you would be a huge loss.  Just because she thinks that is HER loss.  She may never realize what a loss you are....how sad for her.  Just make sure you fill your life up with people that love, cherish and appreciate you for who you are.  Your mother seems like she will never really know that wonderful person.
Michelle

mighty mouse:
Michelle,

Thank you for the kind words.

That peacemaker role is a hard one. I couldn't stand my parents fighting constantly and then projecting their frustrations on us kids. I was lucky to live near the woods....beleive me, I was taking some looong walks to get away from those two!

Mighty Mouse

Anonymous:
Hi P, and all,

On the subject of nice narcissism.  I think narcissism has many "personalities."

My husband and my Mom both have N tendancies.  They are both nice quite a bit of the time (though not all the time).  They both believe their intentions to be very good.  They believe they are harmless, they just want me to be happy, they are doing what is "best" for me.  They both have plenty of hugs and kisses.  

However, behind their very good intentions, are more intentions which are self-motivated.  Consciously they understand their words and actions as caring, motivated in the spirit of fun, and love.  But unconsciously there are selfish motivations.  They have a strong need to control, to project, to have power over. This makes their harmful behavior very subtle.  
This has been very confusing for me.  I know they both mean well!  How could they be abusive with such genuinely good intentions???  

They have not allowed me to validate my own experience which is a feeling of suffociation.  I don't get to be myself when they are trying to live through me, control me, etc.  I don't get to have my own voice, make my own decisions.  It is more of a paternalistic relationship than a relationship of equals.  They may often act benevolantly, and if they do I am lucky to be the recipiant. It feeds their need to perceive themesles as a good mom or a good husband.  I don't get a voice.

If I call them on disrespect I get guilt tripped.  Oh, I just wanted to do something nice for you... Oh, I was just making a joke... I think you'll be glad I...
Then, I think... Yes, that's right, I shouldn't feel invaded, hurt, disrespected, because they didn't mean any harm.
The result is:  I can never trust my own experience.  Do I feel hurt?  I probably shouldn't.  I am probably over reacting.  Am I anxious or depressed?  Why?  I had the best parents and the most loving husband in the world!  Something is really wrong with me, right?
It's a damaging cycle, even with the "nicest" N tendancies.

Thanks for letting me write, and process!  I hope someone can relate and feel less alone!
Peace, sjkravill

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page