Breaking the pattern

[betr4]

I read posts here about whether I am the sick one or is the n really a n.  Or "it's not that bad yet".  One day at a time for 33 years I resisted the denial my nh lived in.  Not one minute did it count for anything. The only thing changing about the situation is myself.  The nh wants it like it is and lives sooo in his own head that he has no clue I even exist or might have a life or a self. 

With more time to myself and no children to focus on I am seeing what went on all those years while I was busy and only surviving.  My life developed into  the double life that he set up, only without my realizing it. 

Now I want to distance myself so I can get stronger and make some decisions for myself.  I am working slowly to develop my life but I am surely aware of the effects of this lifestyle of denial and living with a n.  I have not yet become comfortable with some changes that I know I need to make.  And I am also aware of some changes that are taking place as I do make choices good for me.

It really does help to write it out here and share my thoughts.  I am also in a support group but the problem there is that the nh also joined the same group.  He puts up a good front there too and I felt so betrayed for a while as my friends became his support friends.  It is a 12 step program.  I really had to work through the insecurity that caused.  We go to different meetings, but he considers it his group.

I know husbands and wifes share family, friends, church, activities, etc.  What happened in my life was everything and everyone I got involved with he took over as his and I became the outsider.  In my support group I am choosing different meetings and telling my truth to others as if the nh is not even involved.  Seems to be working for me and I am feeling more comfortable.  He was such a center of attention in everything we did and before I realized what was happening, he was in charge and I was no longer a part of it.  I am learning to stay away from anything he is involved in and I do my own thing.  It has been hard and I wanted us to be together but I have learned it is not possible by any means.
I am sharing as best I can since my thoughts are somewhat confused as I come out of the fog again.
Thanks, BR

[Ami]

Dear BR,
  You are right to try to heal yourself. As I heal,I see that I gave my emotional life to others. Then,they were supposed to take care of me and "make" a place in the world for me(like being PART of a family)
   I guess that even if you had a good family, you still need to forge your own identity. My thinking was so screwed up by the time that I found the board.I was just "holding"on to my sanity b/c I did not trust "those turkeys"(like my therapist mother) to help me.
BR, keep wrting and sharing and you will find your voice.
 I guess that our voice is really our identity and it will protect us from N's and every other bad thing-bleh.
                                                   Love   Ami

(((((((((((((((((((((((((BR))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[tayana]

BR, healing is hard work.  Be pround of what you're doing and take it one step at a time.  Some days are easier than others.

[Hopalong]

Good for you, BR.
Very smart and healthy choices, to choose different meetings and speak the truth there regardless.

Nice to know he does not own your life, isn't it?
Stay with that feeling!

Hops

[towrite]

BR, I can really identify with the part about your NH: "everything and everyone I got involved with he took over as his and I became the outsider....   He was such a center of attention in everything we did and before I realized what was happening, he was in charge and I was no longer a part of it."  My ex-NH did the same thing. He even stalked me as I pulled away. He found out who my friends were and wormed his way into their company, charmed the hell out of them, and then began to tell them how "mentally unbalanced" I was. It hurt to do it, but I dropped those friends. I had to finally move away to have my own world.

I know it's hard, but it sounds like you're doing good things for yourself. Cheers!

towrite