Honesty and N Parents

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
 I just read  read Hop's post.It hit me that we(if I can say that) do give our M's way too much power. To me, my M is still SOOOO big. I realized that as I read Hops post.I suspect that you might do that,too.
  I guess that they were so awful, big, scary,unpredictable and raging that we have that image  burned in to our brains. I still feel that way.  I realize(in the head) that  she can't hurt me.However,in my 'heart", she is still" big" and powerful. Boy,I have a long way to go. I see that now .                                     Love  Ami


It reminds me of the  board member --SoSmall. She said that she always felt 'SoSmall"-bleh

[gratitude28]

Tayana,
I think the reason your brother has it easier is twofold - he is a man and she would target him differently, and he is a man - and men can suppress emotions much easier. My mother used the "sensitive" crap on me too - "I'm only teasing," "You take everything too seriously," "You worry too much." I don't think that works as well on boys. Plus there is always a comparative jealousy wiht the same-sex child.
Love, Beth

[tayana]

Hops, I visualize doing just want you say.  I figure if I visualize it enough, it'll be able to happen.  I'm one of those people who rehearse what I say over and over and over.  I probably shouldn't, but I do.  I don't feel the fear building with no contact.  I do feel stronger and more clear minded.  It's just the thought of contact that makes me afraid. 

Ami, my T has often told me I give her too much power.  I've been working on that.  I've been working on being able to say, "My mother wouldn't like this . . . but I do, and I"m doing it anyway."  I hung curtains in my living room this weekend.  I'm sure I didn't do it to her satisfaction, and I could just hear her voice as I was doing it, but I don't care because the curtains look nice.  I did them myself, and I think they are really pretty.  I cut my hair off over the weekend.  I went to get a trim and ended up getting it cut really short.  I really like it, but my mom won't.  I just keep telling myself, who cares what she thinks, it's my hair.  I like the new short do.  I'm working really hard at not hearing the voice that says, that looks bad, or you're doing it all wrong.  I think one of the reasons I stuck so stubbornly to the IT world at work is because my mother knew nothing about computers and she couldn't tell me I was doing things wrong.

Beth, the fact that my brother is male makes a big difference.  After all, she thinks men are there to take care of us weakling women, and she doesn't understand how I can take care of myself, spend a night alone, etc.  I'm not scared to be alone, like her, and I am competent.  But for years she told me I wasn't, couldn't ever take care of myself.  I wanted so desperately to get away, and I felt so trapped.  She's always been very jealous of me too.  I don't know how many times I heard, "Well, I only have an eighth grade education, how do you expect me to help you."  or "You're so much better than us now that you have your fancy education."  She was always jealous of what I accomplished, and anything I enjoyed, she ridiculed.  She even makes comments about my job now, "You make more money than your father . . ."  And she says it like I"m supposed to apologize.

[Iphi]

Congrats on your hairdo tayana I bet it looks excellent! 

Your comment on going into IT really hits home for me.  I could never stand the thought of going into anything remotely scientific because my dad knows everything about science - or close enough.  I was just thinking on the way in to work this morning that he really has not the first clue about anything I do now and I like it that way. 

It seems to me that her remarks about weakling women are just more goo for manipulation.  Like, she has to be taken care of by a man, but she completely controls her husband so... what?  He's like her slave.  But she has no responsibility.  So how twisted and self-serving is this idea about weaking women?  And isn't that just another way to cut you off from thriving and believing in yourself?  And then when you turn out productive and earning a good salary it's a bad thing?  How backward is that?  It says to me that she does not want you to be productive and earning a  good salary.  She wants you all wrapped up in the spider web, imo.  As Ami and others say - compost what does not work for you.

[Ami]

I can see what Iphi is saying. The N mother's selfishness is to destroy anything about us that makes us "us". Anything that liberates us from her spider web has to be destroyed like loving ourselves---for example.
  The selfishness is so total that when we get in the radius of the spider web, we are annilihated.      Ami

[tayana]

Iphi, I love it!  A few minutes in the morning, a little spritz of gel and out we go.  I didn't even bother with the curling iron this morning. 

I agree totally with you.  I don't understand why she doesn't want me to be independent and self sufficient.  It doesn't make sense, but then nothing she does makes sense. 

This is just an idea, but . . . when I got pregnant she made a comment about how my life was over.  I don't think she likes the idea that I've managed to make a good life, in spite of adversity.  The moment I got pregnant, that's when I became a failure, and she's spent years letting me know that.  When I expressed normal frustration about being a parent, she would jump down my throat and make some crass statement about how I shouldn't have had the baby.  She would be alternately smothering and then so distant and cruel that I didn't know what she wanted.  At one point, she convinced me to take my son out of daycare so she could keep him full time.  She didn't ask for money, then she got mad because I didn't pay her.  I think she's very jealous of me because I managed to succeed, when I should have failed.  In her mind, having kids means giving up your dreams, not revising your dreams to include the kid.

I got into IT by accident.  When I was looking for a job a couple of years ago to get out of my high stress one, my mother suggested I take a secretarial position, even though I'd had specialized training, was vested in my retirement for local government, and liked what I did.  She was looking in the paper and saw administrative asst. positions with higher salaries than my current job, so she thought I should do that, and it was more appropriate work for a woman than setting up server racks, hauling pc's around, and doing techie things.  After all, I wouldn't have to crawl on the floor or play with power tools.  She'd make comments all the time about me doing "man's work."  She never stopped to think about that she used to do "man's work" when she was decorator going around measuring rooms and windows and mixing paint.  And as much as I love decorating and that sort of thing, she's very critical about anything I do with my house, so I would never, ever go into anything she could criticize.  At least IT is something she's totally clueless about.

Ami, you are so right.  So very right.

[Bella_French]

I got into IT by accident.  When I was looking for a job a couple of years ago to get out of my high stress one, my mother suggested I take a secretarial position, even though I'd had specialized training, was vested in my retirement for local government, and liked what I did.  She was looking in the paper and saw administrative asst. positions with higher salaries than my current job, so she thought I should do that, and it was more appropriate work for a woman than setting up server racks, hauling pc's around, and doing techie things.  After all, I wouldn't have to crawl on the floor or play with power tools.  She'd make comments all the time about me doing "man's work."  She never stopped to think about that she used to do "man's work" when she was decorator going around measuring rooms and windows and mixing paint.  And as much as I love decorating and that sort of thing, she's very critical about anything I do with my house, so I would never, ever go into anything she could criticize.  At least IT is something she's totally clueless about.

Dear Tayana,

 I don't really know  if my mother had anything to do wit my getting into IT subconsciously, but it probably does help that she doesn't know anything about it. I love it though; its just something that took my interest when I was 25 because I was a 3D animator and video editor, so high speed computers were extremely exciting in 1995, in terms of all the new possibilities for creativity.

So I bought a ton of PC magazines and built my first computer for video editing and 3D. After that I started building and selling them to other animators and video editors and made my way into a computer building job, then sales, and then technical support. I just love it, all of it.

But what makes me laugh, is my mother used to tell everyone that my job was `teaching' rather than IT. For some reason she thinks teaching is a respectable job for women, whereas I'm not sure she even knows what IT is, lol.

X Bella

[tayana]

Bella, that's a cool story.  I got into it totally by accident.  I had a graphics background and a local company hired me to design a catalog for them.  My boss was the IT guy, and he decided to pawn his work off on me.  So basically I had to learn by trial and error because he was no help.  I spent a lot of time reading on the internet about how to fix things, because he'd give me a project and just walk off.  After I got the basics down, I really liked it though, so I stuck with it.

I'm starting to get a little burned out though, and I'd like to do something else.  I'm not sure what I want to do yet though.

[changing]

Tayana-

Congratulations on the spiffy new cut- that your NM wouldn't like it is definitely a plus in its favor!!!! I'm sure that it is flattering and youthful, artistic and sharp!!!

Keep remaking your life Tay- this is just the beginning of a beautiful glamorous you and a new world !!!

Love,

Changing

[tayana]

Thanks Changing!  I'm going to keep trudging forward, even when its hard, even if I end up totally divorcing myself from my family.

I hate that all of this nastiness is happening right before holiday time.