Back in the dumps

[betr4]

 I ham having difficulty emotionally dealing with a marriage of 33 years with a narcisist.  The financial situation is so complicated.  The passive-aggressive behaviors he exhibits are getting so much worse with age.  WE live almost totally separate lives except for finances and his delusions that we are married.  I have worked through years of counselling and the last counsellor I went to for help getting strong enough to end the marriage convinced me that financially it was not necessary.  And that it would be an advantage to stay married because of the finances.  The husband is gone and lives on his own.  We have very little contact and when we do it is at his prompting as if we are living together and everything in okay.  Until he starts the d&d and  his personality changes and he splits and leaves in a rage, back to his other life.
I have made it to this point, but I am at a point right now that I need to end the relationship because it is causing me to be sad and lonely.  He has become so verbally and emotionally abusive or totally loving and manipulative.  I cannot take the extreme personality changes and the distance any longer. 
I need  companionship, friendship and an end to the insane, crazy making
relationship.  I have done better in the past and got past some of these emotions.  I feel myself going back into some of the issues I had worked through before.
I need to be stronger in my own self and somehow untangle myself from this person I have managed to survive all these years.
I want to get past this.  I just can't get as sick as I used to be.  I have worked hard in recovery to overcome all this. 
I just had to try to get some of this  off of my mind and express it to others who can somehow understand without judging.  I feel so alone right now.
BR

[Ami]

Dear betr4,
   I am so sorry that you are hurting.I wish that I could offer some practical "help",but I don't feel qualified b/c I have made so many mistakes in that area.
 I just wanted to say that you are not alone. I understand your feelings of extreme pain and despair.Love to  you, friend ,     Ami

((((((((((((((((((((((((betr4)))))))))))))))))))))))))0

[Poppy Seed]

Betr4,

First of all, you are not alone.  Let's just get that settled right here. 

These moments are so tough!  Wanting so badly to be stronger in self and beyond the toxic relationship!  I SOOO wish for all of us that the journey toward freedom were easier.  But you sound like you know yourself pretty well.  You know where you have been and what has worked before.  I am sending strength vibes.  And love and comforts and chocolate and "N's NOT ALLOWED" signs to put on your car and windows.   

Poppy

[betr4]

Thank you Poppy and Ami,
I am feeling better already just sharing and getting it out.  My perspective is changing to more positive.  I was feeling left out and alone and after reading and sharing here I can see and remember that growing past diifficulties is hard but "and this too shall pass". 
Feeling left out and alone is one side of it and moving on to what does work and what I can do is another side.  I just went through another abandonment by the nh and I was feeling sad.  It is not new and I do have a life of my own.  I know that I am okay and I do feel better just being able to share and know others care.  I always end up with wonderful people in awareness and recovery and who can relate.  Thank you for caring and sharing.

[Hopalong]

Hi BR,

I have a good friend, also in her 50s, whose 30-year marriage just ended.
She's in shock and grief right now, but because I live with a 96-y/o who's had over a decade on her own after a 50-year marriage, I am developing a longer view of life.

If you're in your 50s or 60s, as odd as it may seem, your life's just entering its grandest third. Why not reclaim it for yourself and go on an endless journey of discovery and joy?

It can be very very different and full of rich connections and meaningful work and community. It really can.

Hope you'll find strength here for just the next step.
One at a time, just the next step...

Hops

[changing]

Hello BR!!

I just want to add my support and urge you to listen to Hoppy- she is so wise and kind and she helped me so much to start to get out of a similarly oppresive situation, step by painful step. I am still going through a process of total de-N contamination (with the help of Hoppy and others here who are a true blessing) , but am looking forward to complete freedom!!!

I will tell you honestly that that everything has been wonderful except for the times that I have to deal with my soon-to-be ex. One gets used to being ridiculously happy very quickly, and I know that you will too.

Love and Hugs,

Changing

[cats paw]

  I have worked through years of counselling and the last counsellor I went to for help getting strong enough to end the marriage convinced me that financially it was not necessary.  And that it would be an advantage to stay married because of the finances. /quote]

 Hi betr4,

    I was just wondering what help you have been able to find in planning the financial aspects of your leaving? It sounds like in your post you have said the emotional cost has come to outweigh the financial benefit, despite having been convinced in the past it would have been an advantage to stay married.

    BR, it's true what others have said about your not being alone when you come here.

cats paw

[tayana]

((((((hugs))))))

Betr4, I hope things get better for you.  Take the time to nurture yourself.  You could talk to a financial advisor about the finances, get a clearer view of the situation, and see what could be done to get yourself out the situation.

It's just an idea.

Hops had some great advice.  Listen to her.

Is there anyway you could get out and join some activities on your own so you could develop new friendships?  Maybe a book club, church group or something like that?  Or volunteer work?

[alone48]

I also was in a 25 year marriage with an N, but I have since found there are varyingdegrees with N's. I then entered a relationship wit h an extreme N that beat me up and spit me out. He actually made my ex look good. I am now swearing off relationships and just hanging on for dear life  to all of my wonderful friends. Hoping you have the same and things get better for you.