Dear Guest,
Yes, absolutely !! It is like the scales fall from your eyes. It is like a bomb fell and then everything is quiet. Yes, it can be so very sudden and so very clear.
I realized that my H was an N after I discovered his affair with the widow of his recently deceased best friend. As someone said on another thread, "death really seems to bring out the worst in the N.' He was positively in his glory. It was disgusting.
Even then, I was in denial for another year and a half. But, the realization came all of a sudden in the driveway two days before Christmas as we were setting off to go Christmas shopping. I was making nice even though he was being a bastard. And, out of the blue, he says that maybe after the holidays we should think about separating.
I realized immediately that he was just setting me up once AGAIN. And that he would NEVER change. It would always be like this. I knew that this was my cue to tell him how much I loved him and how I didn't want to separate. And in the blink of an eye I knew exactly what to do. So I said that he was right, we should. He blinked....this was NOT going according to his plan.
So, the rest of the day he did his best to make me miserable. And I didn't bite on any of his old tricks. I sang Christmas songs and acted as though I was having a swell time. And all the while I was planning my escape.
You see, he really didn't want me to leave, it was just an N game to make me crazy. And within two months, despite much begging for me to stay, I left. And I owe it all to that moment in the driveway....that moment when IT ALL was made visible.
Below is a URL for a short essay on a woman's "awakening" to the realization of abuse that I think will resonate with you. I have posted this before, but as you seem to be new here, you might not have seen it.
http://www.mtoomey.com/breakingfree.htmlI congratulate you on your awakening and I wish you continued strength in your newly discovered resolve. NEVER forget that you do not deserve to be abused.
Also, I agree with another poster with regard to the timing of the increase in abuse following your sister's death. Especially since you have now also said that she was the one that you talked to about HIM!
Ns quite deliberately try to isolate you from anyone and anything that you care about. It increases his control over you. He hadn't quite managed to do that with you and your sister. And, I think he probably was also afraid of her. With her being gone, he feels the increase of his "power" and your vulnerability. As far as he was concerned, the timing was perfect.
Despite your grief, be grateful that you have now realized what your life has been like and that you now know you have the strength to move away from the abuse and into a better place. Perhaps if you think of it as a gift from your sister, it will help. Because, in a way....it is, isn't it?
Good luck !
Gingerpeach
