Things My Mother Never taught Me

[Ami]

This is a little off the topic,but I just talked to my M ,today. I REALLY SAW that with her she has to have ALL the" marbles" at any game.She can be "nice"IF she is in a up position,like telling you advice. However,if you have anything "better" than she has, she has to make you pay by pushing your 'head under the water."
  So if anything I have or do makes her 'feel"less than, she just pushes me 'under the water " to drown me.
  So,I guess that this is a stage that kids go through--right? It is the,'It's mine stage"-right?
  The N's just got stuck there. I can "see" how it is now.If a little kid was bragging that 'My dog is better that yours and I will beat you up if you say otherwise.",we would laugh. We would probably say it was cute.
  However,my M is doing that at her age to me. I see it.                     Ami

(((((((((((((((((Myself)))))))))))))))))))))))

[Ami]

I understand some of what you are saying, Amber.I am coming out of the last stages of denial.It has me in it's death throes and I am wrestling with the last vestiges of it and am at the very beginning stage of my new life without the "role"
  I see that my M "loves" me, BUT I can't do anything that makes her feel shame about herself( which is anything). I am getting the last parts of what Vaknin said about the N inside my heart now.
   Really, these are the LAST things that I would not face.As such,I was forced to keep repeating the old worn out patterns that were making me sick. The thing that I did not want to face was that my M is really crazy(no funnies about this one)Also, that her craziness makes her want to drown me b/c only ONE can be the GOOD one in ANYTHING. This is the bottom of the denial,I think.
A Big Freakin  Bleh                               Ami

[Ami]

Another thing that my M did not teach me was that you HAVE  to have integrity in order to navigate this life. She thought that this was "stupid"
 Your life will not work if you don't live it with integrity.Integrity is the glue of human relationships. They can't stay together without it(IMO).So, another lesson that I am trying to put in to my life that I was ridiculed about. I need to act with the most integrity and love that I can. If I feel that I want to do otherwise,I should pull back and take a break from a situation.
  This seems so simple.My GM and Aunt's(two of them) taught me this. My M ridiculed it . However,you have to try to let your relationships be governed by love. However, you still always have to have a big stick ready if and when you need it.
  So, the balance has to be there.'Talk softly and carry a big stick" would express it.
  It would have been so much easier to have these tools in my tool box for living.
 I tried to be "nice" and I got "abused". I became road kill.
 It is sad that this is how it is,but it is true. You can live in reality or "denial", as I see it                    Ami

[towrite]

Oh, Ami, good God NO! Honey, this is not coat hangers or dogs or any other inanimate thing they use with "saturation" or "flooding". This is an emotional, psyche-harming, heart-breaking real live person you may be inviting into your space. Your gains - which have been tremendous - may not be cemented enough for you to withstand a renewed attack just yet.

Please - keep your zipper on the inside!

[Ami]

I LOVE YOU, Towrite. You are so sweet to care for me like that.                     Ami