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N vs. Culture

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claris:
I have been wrestling with the problem of distinguishing whether the N behavior that my mother displays is partly cultural (not psychological).   (i say partly b/c lots of it can't be explained by culture i think)

When I read descriptions of Nists, my mother seems textbook.  But although I recognized many unhealthy behavior patterns before, I often explained them away by attributing it to "culture".  (she's chinese)  For example, control over children (inlcuding adult children), materialism and status-consciousness, different value system, problems of communication (also attributable to language).  These things are typical of Ns, but could also correlate culturally/linguistically.

Anyone have any thoughts on this?


p.s. Please don't flame me for being anti-chinese.  Couldn't be farther from the truth.

Anonymous:
I don't think you're anti-Chinese. And I bet some of your mom's behavior can be attributed to cultural factors. How much of it is, is what you might want to think about.

bunny

Tokyojim:
It is unfortunate that we have to be careful of political correctness in much of what we say.  It inhibits speaking freely in our society.

But that is another matter.

I lived in Asia for a long time, so I can recognize the aspects about which you wrote.  In order to understand your situation, please let us know a bit more.  Your mother is Chinese, but what about you?  Is your father also Chinese?  Was Chinese spoken in your home?  Do you speak it?

I think that many things that Chinese often highly value, like materialism and its relationship to status, and also how children should relate to their parents and follow their wishes, can be viewed as somewhat "N."  But much of this depends on how much you identify with the culture also.

Anonymous:
thanks for the replies.

my mom is chinese, but i was born and raised here.  my american biological father bailed out before i remember, so i only got 'nature' from him, not 'nurture'.  my mom ruled the household, so my stepfather also didn't give me much cultural influence i think.  didn't speak chinese at home, but i do speak basic chinese learned in school and have traveled a lot and lived for a couple of years in asia.  also have a lot of asian friends.  i'd say i do appreciate very much and identify with chinese culture, but i am american primarily.

i think the issue of culture complicates the issue.  i read that Ns are materialistic, power-seeking, status-conscious - i used to think this cultural, but isn't that a bit insulting to chinese culture?  Ns expect people around them, especially their children, to obey them, to respect them, to be suitably grateful and not to complain or criticize.  my mother is like this - is this just her being chinese?

the things that make me lean toward thinking she's an N are her violent temper, tantrums, obliviousness to other people's feelings, selfishness, inability to accept any criticism, physical aggression, inability to see any one else's point of view.  her inability to sustain any healthy relationships (i can't think of even one close friend that she has - she only has more casual friendships based on my stepfather's relationships)  things that i don't associate with chinese culture.

i wonder if perhaps she, because of cultural reasons, is more prone to Nism?  if so, does that mean i should be more forgiving?  should i tolerate more?  

thanks for your thoughts on this.

claris

Portia:
Hiya Claris, I'm sure you're going to get a few replies on this:


--- Quote ---if so, does that mean i should be more forgiving? should i tolerate more?
--- End quote ---


She's your mother! If anyone does any forgiving and tolerating, it's, in the natural biological  order, supposed to be her, not you. I think this has nothing to do with culture and everything to do with you having a disturbed mother.

You don't have to do anything that you think you are obliged to do by society, culture or anything else. You do what feels right for you. Forget the 'shoulds'....best wishes P

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