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N mother as vampire

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Anonymous:
Cathy (October) recently made an insightful comment on the thread “Returned Mother’s Day card” about N’s feelings being a kind of vampirism.

My mother is an N who has always told me that she “understands” me better than my siblings and feels closer to me. She has projected feelings onto me and used me for her own emotional purposes since I was a child. When I was finally able to stand up to her and cut off contact with her for a couple of years, she sent me letters saying that my not speaking to her made her feel as though her hand had been cut off.

She is getting older and has some memory problems that I believe have reduced her social inhibitions (controls on her behavior). Recently she and my stepfather were visiting me and my H. She has started hugging me in a more clingy, childish way than she used to, snuggling against me and burying her face in my shoulder. Since I don’t like her touching me, this makes me very uncomfortable and I separate from her as soon as I can. When she was going to bed, she came over to kiss me goodnight, and I let her. She kissed me several times, and then BIT ME ON THE CHEEK! I was stunned. I pulled away from her sharply and said, “What was that!!??” She said, “It was a love bite.” I said, “Well, I don’t like it!”  She went to bed. I was terribly shaken up, and felt sick. I talked to my H about it later, but had trouble sleeping. Fortunately she didn’t actually draw blood and the mark went away fairly quickly.

My stepfather saw what happened, and the next morning my mother came down and apologized for biting me (even writing that looks weird!) I’m certain he told her she had to apologize. She said, “I shouldn’t have done that.” But as they were leaving (when my stepfather was already in the car and couldn’t hear her) she said, “You know that proves how much I love you. It means I want to take a piece of you home with me.”

She has always tried to invade my boundaries, but I am horrified by her belief that “loving” me equals consuming me. It's sick. She has e-mailed that they want to visit again, and I am feeling very negative about seeing her, don’t want her to touch me, and am very worried about other ways she may behave if she felt free not only to do this, but to try to justify it. I know she is incapable of understanding how I feel. On the other hand, these may be the first signs of senility. I feel guilty about rejecting her if her mind is going. I'd appreciate any suggestions on how to handle this.

Morgan

ellen:
Your story reminds me of when I was working with a schizophrenic lady. Her boyfriend had left her and she went into an episode. She kept saying "my arm is broken, my arm is broken" and it made perfect sense to me because she wanted to reach out (to him or feelings of pain, who knows?) and now felt that she couldn't. Instead, she spoke symbolically.

Anyway, my point is that these conditions can sometimes lead to a view of the raw underbelly of a situation and person's internal world. Yes, it may senility, but its also an unedited view of your mother's boundaries with you. She bit you. Period. Because on some level she knows she can. You know its purely a seniltiy thing if she's also biting tellers at the bank, neighbors, etc. If not, you've gotten a view of her mentality re: respect for her an adult child, uncut.

Have you ever had a dog? You know how sometimes they nip at your heels when they know they can? Its kind of the same thing- you have to lay down the law, hard. Tell her "I know you love me, but biting me is not ok". I would do that, especially if senility is at play, because thats how you'd talk to a child without established boundaries too, and senility can be a form of regression.

It symbolic what she did and its real important that you don't feel being pulled into a black hole, regardless of age. Be true to your feelings, because unless she is doing it to all, its incredibly personal and a dominance behavior.

Portia:
Morgan, I’m shocked at your being bitten. And when you say


--- Quote ---I feel guilty about rejecting her if her mind is going.
--- End quote ---
I want to say, why should you feel guilty? Your mind isn’t going and your mind is the one that will be worse affected by her behaviour. If she is declining into some sort of dementia, in my view, it can be nature’s way of helping us shut down from the unpleasantness of the present. Some people seem to revert a lot in dementia to their past. If her mind is going it is not necessarily painful to her – it can be more painful to those around her. Whatever, you don’t have to change your life if her mind is going.

I’m sorry, if you’ve talked about your stepfather before, I can’t remember but I want to ask, can you enlist his help here? You don’t have to cope with this alone. Can you tell him you don’t like her hugging (and biting you) and can he help you stop her doing this? You say he saw what happened – didn’t he mention it? Her behaviour with you is not acceptable under any conditions!

Ellen I liked you saying it’s dominance behaviour. I wouldn’t have seen that but yes, it’s that basic I guess. Take care Morgan. P

October:

--- Quote from: Anonymous ---Cathy (October) recently made an insightful comment on the thread “Returned Mother’s Day card” about N’s feelings being a kind of vampirism.

My mother is an N who has always told me that she “understands” me better than my siblings and feels closer to me. She has projected feelings onto me and used me for her own emotional purposes since I was a child. When I was finally able to stand up to her and cut off contact with her for a couple of years, she sent me letters saying that my not speaking to her made her feel as though her hand had been cut off.

She has started hugging me in a more clingy, childish way than she used to, snuggling against me and burying her face in my shoulder. Since I don’t like her touching me, this makes me very uncomfortable and I separate from her as soon as I can. When she was going to bed, she came over to kiss me goodnight, and I let her. She kissed me several times, and then BIT ME ON THE CHEEK! I was stunned. I pulled away from her sharply and said, “What was that!!??” She said, “It was a love bite.” I said, “Well, I don’t like it!”  She went to bed. I was terribly shaken up, and felt sick.

But as they were leaving (when my stepfather was already in the car and couldn’t hear her) she said, “You know that proves how much I love you. It means I want to take a piece of you home with me.”

She has always tried to invade my boundaries, but I am horrified by her belief that “loving” me equals consuming me. It's sick.

Morgan
--- End quote ---



I'm sorry, but I do not see this behaviour as indicative of senility.  If this lady were becoming senile, she would not be able to pick and choose her timing, as she does.  She would tend to bite or cuddle or hug, and say things about taking you home with her, all the time, not just at carefully chosen times for her.

I think you are right to say that this is about boundaries, and you are also right to be horrified by this.  I have an eleven year old daughter, and once in a while if we are playing games, I pretend to bite her and 'eat her up', but it is not anything like really biting.  It is kissing by another name, and she squeals and laughs.  If she were uncomfortable I would not do it, and even as it is we very rarely play in this way.  

For a grown woman to do this to her adult daughter is just beyond belief.  For one thing, I cannot touch my mum.  Just can't bear the thought of it.  The idea of the kind of cuddles you describe is bad enough, but the biting thing is just gruesome.

If you look at studies of ritual cannibalism, you find that the purpose behind the eating of other people is generally not the satiating of hunger.  Generally the peoples who practiced this had plenty of alternatives to eating flesh, and chose to do it in order to assimilate some characteristic of the person being eaten.  Often the part that they ate was symbolic of this in some way.  

I suspect that your mother's behaviour is, as you suspect, an attempt to possess you more fully, or even to become you.  She even admits this in saying she wants to take you home with her.  There is no consideration for your point of view, or recognition that you are a person separate from her.  I have this problem too.  I am invisible to my parents except as an extension of their own psyches.  

This behaviour is totally unacceptable, and she kind of half knows that and is ashamed to talk about it in front of your step father.  You will probably find that the next stage is denial; either it didn't happen or you are overreacting or else it was a joke.  Anything other than facing the reality of what has happened.

My own reaction to this would be to talk about it when discussing her next visit.  Tell her you are not happy with her touching you too much, or with her biting you, and that you therefore prefer not to see her.  Make it clear that it is totally inappropriate for her to assault you in this way, and that you will bring charges against her with the police if she does it again.

That should make her think twice.

Good luck.

Cathy

Anonymous:
Morgan,

Let's say your mom is becoming demented. And her biting is a symptom of diminishing social inhibitions. That STILL doesn't mean you have to tolerate it or allow her access to you physically. It means you may need to be MORE SELF-PROTECTIVE because she is becoming dangerously aggressive. Dementia isn't a license to harm other people.

bunny

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