Finally coming from me

[betr4]

Whatever I do has to come from my own choices.  Not waiting for something or someone else to do something or not do something.  Not if it's because someone else wants me to do or not do for them or for me.

It has to finally come from me.  To do what I do because it is the right thing for me to do, without depending on anyone else's motives or opinions or reactions.

I have to be a stong enough person to know what I want to do in any given situation and then able to carry it out.

It all comes back to me.  I am learning to think more clearly about this.

From dependent, to independent, to obstinate, to fearful, to frozen and many other stages.  After frozen I know came confusion.  In confusion I had to reason, learn and try and fail and begin again.

I am moving on, on my own.  Using my own feelings and choices and getting better at it.  
BR

[Ami]

Dear Betsy,
   You are going from sickness to health. I am so happy for you.                  Love    Ami
 (((((((((((((((((Betsy))))))))))))))))))))

[Poppy Seed]

This is a beautiful thing!! A very beautiful thing.  For so long, I have watched myself run around trying to make everyone else happy, and comfortable, and controlling everything outside and inside of me so I wouldn't get hurt.  And failing to realize that I was the author of all the pain with my thinking and acting.  I have consistently been practicing my thoughts and actions from this new place of personal ownership and responsibility that you describe.  Boy, it feels good.  It feels good to take my hands off of the outcomes.  And to allow others to struggle or grow or be whoever and whatever they are in the moment without needing them to be different so I can feel different.  Now, I take care of myself and my reactions and emotions and choices.  And I make the adjustments in my thinking so I can feel the way I want to feel.   This was a huge missing piece of the puzzle for me.  I still have so far to go, I am sure.  But at least I am winning back some ground on this score.

poppy

[betr4]

Ami and Poppy,
What a relief it is.  I am really breathing better lately!

I gave up being me and was subconciously trying to be the perfect wife and daughter, always trying to live up to their ( h & m) ideal to be accepted.

I had some very wrong information.

Thanks for all the support and insight. 
BR

[betr4]

Shunned,

I kind of cycle on the clarity and strength. Thank you for the encouragement.  I feel free to share here, like some hears and can really understand, really gets it.

I am noticing that the strong emotions or negative thought are less frequent and don't last very long.  I am moving through lots of acceptance.  My strongest thought with strong feelings was disbelief that my h could really be doing what he is doing.

I am having to accept that I am not as important to him as I thought I was and maybe not as important to my children or parents either.  I really had strong family ties that were important to my role in live.

Now with new information and new behaviors that I am really putting into action, the role is ending and I am not part of their lives.

I had to accept that today when a choice I made not to be used by my daughter left me totally out of her situation.  I was used or discarded.  Never included for other reasons.  I am seeing that now.  I chose not to be resentful and I had to make some choices based on action rather than reaction.

It worked and I visited my grandchild and did not let myself be left out even though my daughter could not use me and had not called.  I made a decision and did it, taking care of my own need at the time. 

I feel stronger right now that I can get past resentment ever when someone else wants to hold a grudge.  It's their grudge, not mine.
BR

[vita]

I was so blown away, moved and touched by what everyone said here, that I smushed all your answers together, tweeked them a bit and made them into a (kind of) prose poem.  I hope you do not mind.  You all are the authors of this poem.  Hope you like it:

It has to finally come from me 

To do what I do because it is the right thing for me to do,
without depending on
anyone else's motives or opinions or reactions

I have to be strong enough to know what I want to do
in any given situation
and then able to carry it out

It all comes back to me.  I am learning to think more clearly

From dependent, to independent, to obstinate, to fearful, to frozen and many other stages
After frozen came confusion
In confusion I had to reason, learn and try and fail and begin again

I am moving on, on my own
Using my own feelings and choices and getting better at it

I asked about the dizziness and was told that it was stress caused by confusion
as I was sorting things out 

Sometimes when something really hits me, I get light-headed as I think it out
Those shifts are powerful
It does get better as I get better 

For so long, I watched myself trying to make everyone else happy
Trying to control everything outside and inside of me so I wouldn't get hurt
I gave up being me and subconsciously tried to be
the perfect wife and daughter
always trying to live up to their ideal
to be accepted
While failing to realize that I was the author of all the pain with my thinking & acting

Now, I practice my thoughts and actions from this new place of
personal ownership and responsibility 
Boy, it feels good 
It feels good to take my hands off of the outcomes,
to allow others to struggle or grow or be whoever and whatever they are
in the moment
without needing them to be different so I can feel better 

Now, I take care of myself, my reactions, my emotions and my choices 
And I make the adjustments in my thinking so I can feel what I want to feel   

I had some very wrong information
and realize this was a huge missing piece of the puzzle for me

and ya know what? That's all it was -- "wrong information"

We know what to do with wrong information, right? 

(albeit this wrong information dominated our lives and made things twice as hard, painful & frustrating as they needed to be!! GRRRRR!!)

[Ami]

Vita----BRAVO--You go --girlfriend.                         Love  Ami

((((((((((((((((((((Vita))))))))))))))))))))

[betr4]

It feels good to take my hands off of the outcomes,
to allow others to struggle or grow or be whoever and whatever they are
in the moment
without needing them to be different so I can feel better 

Put it into practice yesterday and this morning...

Sure sounds different than doing it
I just let go and now I am letting my God.  That's all I can do now and get on with my life.

I seem to be moving on in spite of myself.
BR