Dear Hops,
Thanks for your caring words. I find that I heal by a big distortion showing itself, welling up inside me and then I SEE it. Then, I can see how "silly" it is. Then,it just goes, like water running down a hill.I need to use positive self talk, also. I will program in some positive self talk, today, as you suggested ,Hops.
I saw a HUGE insight this morning, I saw that with Maria( and everyone),I am so stressed b/c I have to "manage THEIR emotions. I SAW it, though. That was the big thing. I have read about this many times. However,I saw it with my interactions with Maria.
She has certain "animosity" to me b/c I stopped giving money. She wanted to go on a trip and I think she expected to "tap' me and I said no. So,inside her, she was angry. HOWEVER, I felt responsible for HER feelings(like I did with my M). I felt like a failure b/c I was not fixing it. I felt a hige depression b/c I felt "bad" b/c I was not making it O.K.she told me that she could not afford the trip,now.
I was able to see all of this. I consider it a miracle. This pattern was my interaction with my M. She expected me to make everything O.K. for her WHILE at the SAME time she was violating me.
This was happening with Maria, too. She is a good person.I just tried to make it O.K. too much and she took advantage of the situation. I don't fault her as much as myself.
Anyway, the larger point is my codependence which I really,really healed, to a large degree.
I SAW the whole interaction.
I saw that I had buttons which allowed s/one to push. I wanted to be thought well of. I wanted to have a friend ship bEFORE I had one with myself(very dangerous). I wanted to be Mothered"(very dangerous).
So,I had these and other buttons just waiting to be 'pushed". I don't blame her for pushing them. She is in a bad situation. She was not taking "that " much from me. Anyway, the point is MY buttons.If I did not learn the lesson,now,I could have learned it and lost my entire bank account. It happens and i can SEE how it does.It happens b/c people think like I did.
I see why I just wanted to be alone in a little room with no people. However, then I would not learn. You learn by doing.
I have identified many buttons and I feel much more free. Thank you everyone who cared to write and help. Love Ami
Down with Codependence-------is my new motto----lol
