This is my first visit to this forum, and what a relief to have stumbled on this thread! As others have written, the themes here are familiar.
My therapist has proposed that my mother has narcissistic tendencies. I'm having trouble resolving that description with my mother's incredible generosity and love, or something like love. She cared deeply about my education. She bought me a car in college. She is actually buying me a house right now. (She is well off, but only because she works hard, probably too hard.) The education I appreciated and asked for, but all else was solely her idea, and, frankly, I've always been pretty ambivalent--she and I hold such different values--and my ambivalence is driving her up the wall. She labels it immaturity, selfishness, and ingratitude. She will not respect the fact that I do not want to spend my time as she expects, and that I have the gall to think my preference should have any weight. And up until now I always thought, How can I complain about someone who does so much for me? She has always said she loves me; my dad's most frequent comment is, "You are so lucky to have such a wonderful mother."
But what a superficial interpretation! Love should be enabling, not destructive. Can her intention and effect be so disparate? Somehow she has not picked up on the destruction (years ago I was suicidal, I am recovering from an eating disorder now, my sister self-injured, but we both graduated from the top of our classes at top universities, so we're fine, right?). The craziness and vertigo I felt throughout adolescence were induced by regular repetitions of:
--"You have a depression, a chemical imbalance, and don't have a grasp of your own feelings." (She said this for years, long after my psychiatrist had vetted me and said I was fine.)
--"Your social life and personal life are always subservient to the needs of the family." (I had no social life and studied all the time. I am just now learning to ask myself what I want.)
--"I am the only one who knows the needs of the family."
--"Maybe one day you will see the error of your agnosticism. In the meantime, I am praying for you."
--"You are overreacting. You are too sensitive." (This followed any expression on my part of sadness or frustration over something she said.)
--"I understand you better than you do."
And I basically did everything wrong. I still do. In high school I put my backpack on the car seat with too much force. Yesterday (I'm 23 now) I had the front door open to let the breeze in, and I made the house "look like a tenement." She is the most critical person I know.
She demonstrates a very odd lack of empathy--though I'm not sure if that's exactly what it is. She worries about my sister and me all the time, has insomnia from it, but she has never apologized to me for anything in my life. A few times she has acknowledged miscommunication, and she admitted a few weeks ago that her own experience with depression probably colored her reaction to mine, but she never admits to wrongdoing or regret or distress at any pain she causes me. This could just be pride. She is very successful professionally, and her attitude at work colors her attitude to the family. I don't know whether this a superficial veneer or genuine denial of her ability to do wrong.
This may not be narcissism. Regardless, the type of abuse I've suffered seems similar to what I'm reading here. I have the deepest, most pervasive shame, which I'm struggling to lift. It's difficult now that I'm living at home again (fortunately, I'll be here only two more months!).
If anyone has any ideas about whether this is or isn't narcissism, or on any of the issues presented here, I'd love to hear them. I hope I've contributed something to the discussion. Thank you very much for your posts, pfuetze and others. Good luck.
Sarah
