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Newbie Seeking Advice About Stepdaughter's Mother

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RedOrDead:
My 10 year old stepdaughter has a mother who exhibits some narcissistic characteristics.  I believe she may actually have Histrionic Personality Disorder, but like a narcissist, everything is always about her and she demonstrates little capacity for empathy.  Unfortunately, my husband is only allowed to see his daughter one afternoon a week and every other weekend.  He has tried to get more parenting time, but has not been successful.  

I am never sure how to discuss this narcissism with my stepdaughter.  On one hand, I do not want to speak badly of her mother, but I also don’t want my stepdaughter to believe that her mother’s behavior is normal or OK.  I hope we are doing a good job of relating to my stepdaughter on her level and giving her a sense of her importance and value, but it’s really hard to accomplish that with such limited time.  I sometimes feel like her mother is so damaging that nothing we do will ever be enough.  I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me regarding the situation.  I would certainly appreciate any tips or encouragement.

Tokyojim:
It sound as though you are emphasizing what is important for her - Relating to her and making her feel important.  If you say things against her mother, that could confuse a 10 year old.  If you persist in focusing on the child, she will see who is the caring person in the long run.

In the meantime, is there any possibility of getting custody?  If the child's parent has a personality disorder, this may be possible.  If you have any thought of going that route, it is important to document things over a long period.  Write things down, and date them carefully.  If you amass enough information, you will probably win.

Anonymous:
Welcome to the board RorD!

Saw your message and wanted to say hello.

Your note is a bit of a head-scratcher for me.  I found myself wondering how long you had been married and how long you have know your stepdaughter.  That is, what kind of relationship and "standing" do you have with her?  

It's a little tricky since you indicate that she is still living with her mother.  She's at a pretty impressionable time of her life and she needs to feel OK where she is.  My thought is to simply treat her as well and as fairly as you can when you are with her.  Model good parenting skills as much as you can.  Model good relationship skills with her dad, when you are all together, esp. how to respectfully work out a difference of opinion.  Really listen to each other.  Establish trust without pressuring her to be "on your side".  And you can encourage her to trust her own feelings about how things are going anywhere (in school, at home) to build her confidence and independence of thought.  If she complains about her mom, resist the temptation to explain it all to her. Just ask her some questions about how SHE feels about what is going on, what her choices are, etc.

My guess is that your concern is arising out of a growing attachment for your step-daughter and a wish to be together more.  But I would be careful about undermining her mother even if what you say is true.  I know you want to protect her.  If you make your home an emotionally safe place, she will come to you when she is ready and she feels the need for some breathing room (those teen years are just around the corner).  

Hope these suggestions are helpful.  Best, Seeker

Anonymous:
RedorDead,

I can relate, my niece's mother (my sister) is very screwed up.  I never tell her that her mother is a narcissist or anything like that. It wouldn't help her at this point in time. So....I wouldn't say anything to this girl about her mother's narcissism. She's too young to understand, she lives with her mom, she identifies with her mom and knows she is "part of" her mom. What you can do (and probably are doing), is be a positive role model. If SHE mentions her mother, you can be empathic for her difficulties without giving the mother the label "narcissist" or even explaining narcissism.  That's my feedback.

bunny

RedOrDead:

--- Quote from: Anonymous ---I found myself wondering how long you had been married and how long you have know your stepdaughter.  That is, what kind of relationship and "standing" do you have with her?  

--- End quote ---


I've known my stepdaughter since she was 4.  My husband and I moved in together the following year and we got married in January 2002.  I have a good relationship with her.  


--- Quote from: Anonymous ---
If she complains about her mom, resist the temptation to explain it all to her. Just ask her some questions about how SHE feels about what is going on, what her choices are, etc.

--- End quote ---


My SD is becoming increasingly disrespectful and critical of her mother.  I talk to her about how she feels and about how she wants to handle things, but she's often puzzled by her mother's behavior.  At times she directly asks me why her mom did this or that.  I ask her what she thinks and she say that her mom is crazy or mean or something like that.  Most of the time I'll acknowledge what she says (i.e. It must have hurt your feelings when your mom said that...) and leave it at that, but sometimes I'll also offer an alternative viewpoint (i.e. I'm not sure your mom realized that she hurt your feelings...I don't think she intended to be mean, but I know it still hurts when she says that.).  

I think we're getting to the point where my SD needs more "tools".  Her mother constantly complains about her behavior (although we have few problems at our house).  Apparently they are also having a lot of verbal altercations.  I think she may be coming to me for more "direction" because when I have given her suggestions about things like how she should respond to her friends or her teachers, she seems to listen attentively and she will report back on how the conversation went.  I have been hesitant to be this directive when discussing her mother because I'm afraid of crossing the line.  I don't think SD would take it that way, but in the past she has repeated completely innocent things I've said and her mom somehow interprets this as "badmouthing" and throws an absolute fit.  Mind you, these aren't bad things...these are things like "your mom does things one way at her house and we do something different in ours".   Anyway, this is the part that I'm wrestling with...where is the line?

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