What my M stole from me

[Ami]

I was going to write this on Iphis thread about self worth. However,it is a departure from the topic, so I started a new thread.I may be "reading'Iphi wrong,but it seems like she was saying that she does not feel "worthy" in intellectual areas or pursuits. That hit me b/c I feel worthy in the 'intellectual " pursuits,but not in the "character " ones or emotional ones.
  I read that the D's of N mothers are allowed to thrive intellectually,but not emotionally. I know that Iphi's N was her F so it might be different .
  For me, I could go as far as I wanted intellectually. I could also take care of my appearance and my body(exercise, nutrition etc)
  However, I was very shamed for wanting to have "character" ,which was always very important to me. My GM taught me to be a "lady". I held myself together many times by trying to do what my GM would do in a given situation. My GM gave me a grounding that accounts for any sanity that I have . She made me feel like I could had an identity if I had good character..I kept my core as intact as it was(not totally destroyed) b/c I tried to do what my GM taught me
  My M so tried to "rip" this from me by ridiculing me. She made me feel like I was a naive for for wanting to have a good reputation and to be respected. She thought that my wanting to have dignity and integrity was 'laughable"
 So, I feel 'guilty" for wanting to have a good character. (Can you beat that?")I should not ask THAT on this board
  So, I was ridiculed in the "moral" arena.
  I ,also, could not take care of myself,emotionally. All my emotions and self care had to be "given over" to her. I feel very guilty and
 wrong for standing up for my emotional needs . I feel very guilty for nurturing my emotional side. I feel very guilty for nurturing myself ---in most ways.
 

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
 I was reluctant to post this b/c it seemed "silly". I am so glad that I did.Not feeling that I can have character is part of the "Role". The "new" me can have  integrity.
   The Role was a way for me to survive ,so I had to pretend that I thought like  my M. None of it was true for the "real me"
  THANK YOU Amber.                          Love   Ami

(((((((((((Amber))))))))))))))0

[gabbenangel]

Hi Ami,

You said:

So, I feel 'guilty" for wanting to have a good character. (Can you beat that?")I should not ask THAT on this board
  So, I was ridiculed in the "moral" arena.
  I ,also, could not take care of myself,emotionally. All my emotions and self care had to be "given over" to her. I feel very guilty and
 wrong for standing up for my emotional needs . I feel very guilty for nurturing my emotional side. I feel very guilty for nurturing myself ---in most ways.


This is interesting to me because I can relate to the guilt about character stuff but only to the recent problem that I have had with my N therapist/friend. Character is what we should be working for above everything else in life, correct?  However, this N woman made me feel guilty for trying to improve my character by looking at myself or even suggesting that I could be selfish and needed to expand the self-centered thinking that I have at times to other centered thinking.  Once I told her that I wanted to give my life away in service to God and she was distrustfully quiet...I think that N's can't stand to see the good in others or can't stand to see that others even want to or would strive for good character...deep down they must know that they have cold hearts, perhaps I'm  wrong but I think that they are deeply envious of others who are naturally good natured and charactered and if that be the case then N's are always going to try to take what they don't have and want from others (possibly using guilt tactics)...without ever realizing or considering that they are stealing it just comes natural to them to be thieves.

How easy it is for the wounded to feel guilty for having needs and desire to nurture themselves. I think that it must be the nonstop critical voices in my head that at times can keep me in a state of self defeating behaviors.

Lise

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
  You hit is right on the head.N's don't understand living from your 'higher self".To them, they live in one dimension----- young kid dimension. They really have not developed the other parts of the self that come as you mature. I noticed that when my sons were in K and first grade they were empathetic and considerate of others that my M. This was a weird revelation,but I "get it", now,
  The N's are very threatened  by "good" b/c they have one speed----self.
  So, of course they want to tear down s/one who is aspiring to a higher level of life than just animal behavior---bleh.
  Thanks so much,Lise. It really helps me to understand WHY my M did such an inexplicable action.          Ami