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Beginning stages of Grieving /realizing spouse is NPD

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cplummer:
This is my first attempt to discuss my tremendous grief on an internet website.  I have read manyof the replies and issues in this forum and am impressed with the research based discussions.  I have recently decided my husband of 7years is suffering from NPD,after much research.  
Basically, I lost my beloved Sister 1 year ago today and after that, my husband went totally off the deep end in his treatment of me.  The prior 7 years,  I can now honestly say, he was tremendously emotionally abusive.,  Although there was some physical abuse as well, I never had any huge signs of it. Therefore,  I'm starting to piece together how I was losing myself in this marriage, how no one would believe me if I told them I was abused, how often I didn't believe it myself.  After my sister died, a once cyclically mean husband  (with periods of goodness) completely turned into a monster.  (I know that's not a veryb nice description but it is how it seems to me)  I'm try8ng to figure out what happened tohim to really set him off the deep end.  Does anyone have any advice.

Basically , he has finally left the house but I have 2 boys and must interact with him almost daily.  It is horrible, as he is completely indifferent to me . to the discipline I set forth with my boys--the whole deal.  I am getting stronger and have some close spiritual women who have been very supportive, after I finally opened up and shared my secret with a select few.  I have tremendous grief over the loss of my family dream, but truly believe I could not go on living in the hell.  I'm open to any helpful comments from anyone. thanks

write:
as you acknowledge, you are grieving.
There's no way around that, you can only go through it.

I got a lot of guidelines before we separated from http://www.spig.clara.net/ the UK Shared Parenting Network.

My h is a lot more receptive than some narcissists, he is coming to an understanding and acceptance of it, and he put himself in therapy with a good psychiatrist. I still get frustratyed with him, his problems do not disappear, but he has modified his nehaviour so much

xoxoxo

cplummer:
thanks for your suggestions.  There is a huge part of me that is still baffled by it all.  I woke up last night from a dream and called my best friend to do a reality check with her.  Actually said to her, "sometimes i don;t knowif the past year has been a dream, a lie.  My husband never let on to anyone he was tremendously abusive to me.  For years I was in my own denial, going to counseling working on how I culd fix the marriage--never really telling anyone what was really going on.  He told me I was sick and crazy so much of the time,and that I needed help that I think I actually believed it.  I sitll go through periods like this, although I am getting stronger.  But my whole pathology in it all runs so deep.  it's tough to break.

shixie:
I was in a relationship for 12 years who a man who I just realized had NPD.  Finally everything makes sense.  We had no children together and he made it very clear he didn't want any.  In the begining that was fine, but once I was in my 30's my attitude had changed.  I did not want him to be the father of any of my children.  I knew something was not right about him.  In our last year together, I was finishing up my last year in college and he turned into an absolute tyrant.  I now know it was because  my education was top priority instead of him, I was becoming more independent from him and I started to question my purpose in life.  It totally rocked his world.  He made life unbearable for me.  When I left he completely fell apart.  This was a man who would threaten to throw me out of the house on a daily basis.  I couldn't believe it.  He begged me for months to come back.  Had his friends and family call me to come back.  I had left him for someone else and he blamed him for the break up.  He became so full of hate and rage and 5 years later got sick with cancer and died.  I married the man I left him for and we have 2 children.  I will be forever scarred by him.  He exploited my kindness and good nature.  My innocence is gone.  I am wiser but with a cynical view of life.

Anonymous:
Dear CPlummer,

Others here have more advice about dealing with Nspouses, but I just wanted to drop in and say hello and welcome.  I can hear the pain in your post.  I am sorry to hear about the loss of your sister.  Perhaps your H knew she would protect you/support you if he got out of control.  Otherwise I am stumped as to why this would increase his abusiveness of you.  

Congratulations on your newfound courage to address what is really going on.  Be safe and be gentle with yourself while you are learning to be firm with him.  I'm glad you are actively seeking out support and hope this board will help you as it has helped a great many people.  
Peace, Seeker

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