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Beginning stages of Grieving /realizing spouse is NPD

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CSHF:
To the woman who shared with me her story about being in this relationship for 12 years and fianlly having the courage to get out.  thank you.  this story is very affirming, as you stayed in for a long time, as I have, as many of us have.  Clearly you were also at times very bafled but couldn't pinpoint exactly what was going on.  Until you started finding your own "voice" and he didn't like it.  It seems to echo and certainly affirm my reality--which is sometimes for me still the hardest piece  "what is my reality"  "my own reality"  Not his.  Your story of the man you married and left (for the N) also is so familiar to me.  I am so very happy for you.  You have made your dream come true.  You are a Mamma with 2 children and a supportive partner.  How wonderful.  You deserve it!

CSHF:
Thank you for your gentle and clearly very loving advice.  I'm trying to get better at being gentle and forgiving of myself.  I definitely tend to judge myself too harshly for mistakes I've made--especially this one, with the red flags everywhere even before I married him.  I thinkthis is a wonderful site.

shixie:
I am glad my story was beneficial to you.  Living with a N is a traumatic experience and we are not even aware of how much.  I know my focus was to keep peace and make him happy.  They thrive on this as well as demand it.  Its okay to live, as long as it doesn't interfere with the amount of attention they require.  It is a very oppressive way of life, exhausting too.  They can't be bothered with your needs.  When your sister died, you were not capable of supplying his huge demands.  You needed to take care of you and your emotions.  They despise this and react with rage and intimidation.  Their total lack of empathy shows during times like this.  Early on in my relationship my sister also died.  His response was strange, but I was so consumed with grief at the time I didn't dwell on it.  In retrospect, I see his lack of empathy.  He went with me to the funeral, but this was also when he first met most of my family, so a good impression kept him in line.  They know how important that is in their scheme of things.  Its been 6 years since I left and alot has changed in my life, for the better.  My husband is very supportive and patient with me.  He acquired damaged goods and had to pick up the pieces.  That is truly what love is and I am forever grateful for him.  I wish you all the luck in the world, you and your boys deserve better.
Stacey

cplummer:
Stacey, I just want to say that I send you so much heart-felt sympathy for the death of your sister.  How long ago did she die?  I just lived through the 1 year anniversary  (May 28th) of mine and it has been such a dark month for me.  I feel my grieving her was completely sucked up by my husband's abuse beginning 2 weeks after her death  (if you get a chance read my example of this under "guest" (I guess I hadn't signed in) "feeling the anger/pain"  YOur comments make sense about how he wasn't getting his N supply after she died.  And he too, like your 1st husband", was the perfect man while she was in the hospital with my parents around.  Then, after the funeral and everyone was gone, he just went off on me worse than he ever did before.  I am so happy for you that you have found a man who shows you true unselfishlove and accpets you for your wounds and loves them and you.  thank you so much for your reply.  CSHF  (Countess Shedding Her Fears)

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