Hi Write,
I suppose you've done it all..meaning, get angry when he says things like that to then know that deep down he knows he shouldn't but he can't help himself..I know something about that too.
I read some very interesting stuff on anger, which Portia had suggested in her "ramble thread"..and i've tried it out in my own couple. I found the suggestion of absolutely not getting angry, that is, going down that spiral, challenging to say the least but it does work. Ns or anybody with any kind of grief..( including myself!) harbour alot of anger..the perspective of the article I read really helped in that I recognize ANGER as an emotion I should observe and convert into something more edifying. I've admitted to myself that anger is a diseased emotion I should manage another way from now on!
In any case it's an experiment i'm conducting on/with myself in dealing with my partner's and my inability to channel negative feelings without sabotaging ourselves individually or collectively.
For myself, i've noticed that it is working...coming from having been brought up by two Ns and having been surrounded by mayhem eversince I can remember, I always seem to expect an epiphany around every corner. This technique of consciously stopping the poisonous anger is a very new approach..I was ( I guess..!

) somewhat hooked on the catharsis of the psychology that favours loosing it ...and since i've spent so much time protecting myself and surviving the N hell, i'm not used to the method so I have to be very patient with moi.
It is very frustrating to know however,that on the unconscious level we all know we shouldn't be doing or saying certain things..for myself it is sometimes disheartening to notice that after the dust has settled I still didn't make use of my voice when I could have because the defense mechanisms temporarily overpower everything i've learned and could use!
Good luck with this...if you let some of his comments pass without getting angry or reacting to it could you let me know? We could compare notes on that!
All the best,
Nic
