Your Own "Spot"

[Ami]

 I feel really stuck.
I know where I want to be (integrated or whole). I know HOW it feels to get there. I know when I am there. So, all that is good.
However,I seem like I "don't want to do it". I want  to stay stuck.
  I had a "fight" with my S. He wants me to help him on his religion paper(translated --do it for him).
  This is a small microcosm of my whole life.
  I sell myself for connections. I sell myself b/c I feel empty ,inside.
  I don't want to face HOW life is..I don't want to face the truth.I WANT to be in a fantasy world where it WILL turn out  "nice"
  My S hit a new "low'. He said that he would call my M and complain about me. I said,"WAR--do you want war---you will get war?"
 ( I am really smiling ,though, b/c I love him ).It is just human nature. He used to manipulate me to do his papers and I did--bleh.
   I guess that I don't want to face that s/one can't come inside me and make it O.K.
   I am always "looking" for that place where it will be O.K.
   I am always looking for that place where I can feel enough love and I don't have to be afraid that it will be gone.
  I want to feel like I can finally be "safe enough".I want not to be afraid .I want to not be "outrunning"shame".I want to say, Screw it" to shame.
  I ,mainly. don't want to be clinging on to people and always afraid that I am not going to be O.K.
  I want to be able to face human nature(mine and other people's) and just SEE it and know that I will be O.K. no matter what anyone else does.
  That is what it is. I want to be safe and comfortable in my own "spot"---my own place. I know that the outside can't give me what I need . I want to be comfortable in my own spot.
  I want to erase this ,but I will leave it b/c maybe you can relate.                         Ami
 

 
   I
 

[isittoolate]

I can relate to wanting to be safe in my own spot: no more being confused over what I ought to do. It is all my choice!

I might not know the full truth from the toxic people witholding their involvement in screwing me around, but I have put all the toxic people in a barren field on the other side of my fence!

I am not afraid. I am not living in shame. I don't cling to anyone, but I have friendly acquaintances re work.

I now believe in me, and that I can be assertive and no one will walk all over me. I will never be a doormat again.

The only thing I did was......... after 37 years of the family/friend's bi**hing, I finally bought a cell phone to shut them up.
Did I give in to them? Yes, but my age has changed by 31 years.

Did they walk all over me? I say "No" because after all this time it was my choice..............I still could have gone without a cell phone but now I am up-to-date!

I am wondering Ami if you have led yourself astray in saying that your son(s) and your husband have suddenly become all right and no problems???????????

Do you really have a calm, serene, home in which to live....time for yourself, time away from sons and husband? Do you ever go out with your friends?
Does reading all these other problems keep you TOO involved. You respond to every post that pops up and that is not normal in that there are so many different problems.

Can you take a day off the computer and do something JUST for you? I wouldn't like to think that you are projecting or becoming enmeshed at the same time.
xx
Izzy


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[Ami]

Dear Izzy,
 I appreciate your thoughts,but what I am referring to is an "inside" situation----in my own heart and soul--- that cannot be remedied by outside activities and relationships----no matter how good they are.
                                                  Ami

[believe_in_yourself]

Ami,

Take a look at the picture in this page (scroll down).  It is an LDS blog (I'm not LDS), but the sentiment is very helpful for people like us. Just "compost what doesn't fit." 

Here are a couple of excerpts that I enjoyed:

Motivational guru Zig Ziglar said, “The most influential person who will talk to you all day is you, so you should be very careful about what you say to you.”

and...

Think: ..."I deserve to be happy because I am a child of God and He loves me."

But mostly I like the picture. I think you will understand why.

Love, Joy

((((((((AMI))))))))

[Lupita]

I relate to this thread very much Ami. Constantly beg for relationships and clinge to people that I do not really want. Then when the person responds I relize that I do not really want it. For example, I was begging a singer to sing with me. I asked her so many times until she said yes. When we finally started I relized she was a contralto and I have not material for contraltos, everything I had to transpose and was a huge amount of work, then she got very excited and she wanted and wanted to rehearse and I hated it. I brought it to my self. Now she has distanaced her self from me and I lost another possibility of firendship. I just wanted to have a friend and I ended up working so hard for this lady, and now she wont like me anymore. I do not want to play for her anymore, it is too much work. The worst, I asked for it. I was so needy. Yikes! I make my self sick just to think about my self. I have so much compassion of my son that he had to put up with me all his life. He is the onlyone who loves me.

[Ami]

Thank you Izzy,Joy, Lupita and Leah
  I know that this thread looks "depressing". However,to me once I can "face" s/thing and express it,it is on it's way out.
 Joy, what great information.I was so happy to "see" you, again.Lupita, you ARE doing much better b/c YOU are expressing yourself in a new way(even though it may not seem that way)
  Leah,I think that healing for me takes two steps(so far). First,I have to relentlessly face the truth(of everything that I was in denial about). THEN,I can replace the old ideas with new ideas.
  I was thinking WHY affirmations don't "stick". I think that it is b/c the "old ideas" are not "shoveled" out. That is my perspective, anyway..
  The really hard part is facing all that pain that we pushed down.It is a "pain sandwich". How can we really heal while it is there inside us like a huge "mass".
  For me,I have been facing my M. I am almost at the end of that.It took a FULL year. It is a long time and yet, a short time for all the years of pain.
 Now,I must face my true nature.  Then,I have to face life as it is.
 After coming out of denial(facing truths), then I will have a 'clean slate to program with positive ideas.
  This seems to be healing me from the inside.
  Thank you for responding.It means so much to me.            Love   Ami
"


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[changing]

Hi Ami-

It is almost as if you are inventing a 12-step program or detox program for those who have been impacted by Ns. Now you have the next step- "Your Own Spot". I am several steps behind you, but will get there eventually! Of course, then you will be on to another step!

Have fun reprogramming with beautiful and positive ideas!

Love,

Changing

[Ami]

Dear Changing,
  That is cute. It does seem (from my own experience) that you can't put "perfume"over a swamp. I think of many people that I meet in churches, support groups, therapists themselves or people who have had therapy for many years, and you can still see and feel the pain.
  Why?It must be that they did not let it out before they tried to "put in the new"
   Changing, so far I have two steps. More to be continued...........(lol)                                Love   Ami

((((((((((((Changing)))))))))))))))))))))))
PS---Changing--I think that you embody these two steps. You faced the truth of your life. You replaced the pain and bitterness with love and kindness. 

[Ami]

I know that many people say many things on how to "get over it."I have to realize that the end that it is my "gut" that I have to follow. I can take suggestions and weigh them against my inner "intuition. However,in the end,I must strengthen my own 'self trust" muscle and proceed as it seems right to me.
  I know for a fact that happiness is not a "job",house, relationship,kids, clothes, material things, intellectual things, doing things etc. I have done them all.
  It is knowing that you have your own place in life "owned' by you-----managed by you.it is having your own power---not s/one elses. It is being able to be free from fear and shame( next step).It is being able to stay"you" in the face of adversity and people who try to take your "you" away. This is happiness-----to me.
                  Ami

[Leah]

Ami,

Take a look at the picture in this page (scroll down).  It is an LDS blog (I'm not LDS), but the sentiment is very helpful for people like us. Just "compost what doesn't fit." 

Here are a couple of excerpts that I enjoyed:

Motivational guru Zig Ziglar said, “The most influential person who will talk to you all day is you, so you should be very careful about what you say to you.”

and...

Think: ..."I deserve to be happy because I am a child of God and He loves me."

But mostly I like the picture. I think you will understand why.

Love, Joy

((((((((AMI))))))))

Thank you 

Have printed a copy, including the most apt picture!  Brilliant stuff.

..."I deserve to be happy because I am a child of God and He loves me."   

As a new creation in Christ, with real peace, joy, love and happiness.

"It's a Wonderful Life!" and I am truly glad to be part of it!

Love, Leah

[gabbenangel]

 I want to say, Screw it" to shame.
 I ,mainly. don't want to be clinging on to people and always afraid that I am not going to be O.K.
 
                       

Oh yes Ami... can I relate...shame hurts and it is so hard for me to let it go. I can relate with all that your wrote. I feel really stuck too...old pain and tears are moving through me but slowly..the hurt and the pain can feel endless at times.

I want to erase this ,but I will leave it b/c maybe you can relate.

I'm glad that you did not erase this...It takes great courage to heal to be real!

Your presence on this web board had made a big difference for me, I'm glad that you are here and I bet a lot of others feel the same way.

Love,
Lise

((((((((((((((((AMI)))))))))))))))))))))

[Ami]

((((((((((((((Lise))))))))))))   Thank you so much for being there and for all your encouragement.        Love to You   Ami

[Hopalong]

Lupita......

I make my self sick just to think about my self. I have so much compassion of my son that he had to put up with me all his life.

How does reading this feel to you, a little later?

What do these words do to a person? To me, they sound almost violently self-hating. I think it would be very hard to receive or even notice what is good, when your head is full of these thoughts.

I just don't know how you'll find real friends unless you start being a friend to yourself.

How would a good friend talk to you? Can you do it?
I believe you can.

I hope so.

love
Hops

[Leah]

Imagine being in a small boat drifting in a river. And imagine being unaware that your boat has a motor. As long as you fail to use that motor you will be a captive of the river. You will be a prisoner without any control over your destination. Yet, the boat that you're in does have a motor. You can use it to change course. That motor is your power of choice. 


Love,

Leah